Stop Playing The Blame Game

You walk in late again. It was the traffic. And the alarm. And your colleague, who kept you on the phone. Each reason is true, and each brings a small rush of relief. It is not my fault. But next week, you are late again.

What is really going on

Blaming others is one of the most destructive habits humans have. On a large scale it has fuelled wars and road rage. On a personal level it causes a great deal of frustration and unhappiness.

Broadly, people fall into two groups. Some hold others responsible for their feelings and their circumstances. Others take responsibility for their situation and put their energy into solving the problem. Here are five signs that you lean towards the first group.

Five signs

Feeling offended is your default. Resentment is the bitterness we feel when we believe we have been wronged. If it is your usual emotion, you are probably in victim mode, focused on what others did rather than on what you can change.

You keep complaining about the same problem. Each retelling adds detail about how innocent you were and who else was at fault. You lose sight of the bigger picture and start to believe you have no power. You do. You have choice, and you can use it.

You often say “you made me feel this way”. Nobody can make you feel anything. Your feelings come from how you interpret what happened. If you do not want to be angry or upset, take responsibility for your feelings and choose your reaction, rather than letting it choose you.

You are caught in a codependent relationship. In this kind of relationship, one person keeps enabling another’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity or irresponsibility, and both avoid looking at their own problems. When one person starts to heal, the other may feel threatened and resist the change. Both stay stuck.

The same themes keep returning. The same kind of partner, the same kind of job, the same mistake. Repetition is a message you have been ignoring. Read it as information that can help you break old beliefs and the hidden motives that hold you back.

Wisdom in action

Admit you may have played a part in creating the problem. Take some time alone to review what happened. Let go of your attachment to the problem itself. Meet conflict with a problem-solving attitude. And speak in “I” statements (“I felt worried when…”) rather than “you” statements (“You always…”).

Try this today

The next time you hear yourself explaining whose fault something was, stop and add one sentence: “And the part I can change is…” Then do that part.