We learn a great many things over a lifetime. Would it surprise you to know that most of your beliefs about yourself, about what is expected of you in life and in your career, are in place by the time you are twelve?

Of course, things happen along the way that add to those beliefs or even change them. But our core beliefs are set deep in us before we have even become young adults.

How they take root

Beliefs take shape from what other people say and do around us. When a child overhears adults talking about politics, for instance, the child begins to form views about certain politicians and about politics in general. Those views are not the child’s own truth. They are opinions built from what others said.

The voice that says you are not enough

The same goes for the negative refrain many of us play in our heads, the one that says we are not worthy or not good enough. We came to believe it because of what other people said and did. Perhaps an adult in our early years was too wrapped up in their own struggles to be there for us emotionally, and left us feeling unimportant.

We see what we believe

If you truly believe those words, you will pick out evidence for them everywhere you look, and so the belief grows stronger. We tend to see whatever we already believe. If we believe something negative, we notice the negative. Even when things are going perfectly, you expect something to go wrong, because somewhere inside you feel that is what you deserve. You end up unable to enjoy the rewards of your own hard work, simply because deep down you do not believe you have earned them.

Every decision you make is shaped by what your subconscious mind believes about you and your abilities. Recognising where those beliefs came from is the first step towards choosing better ones.

Working under a manager who feels insecure about your presence and your performance can be difficult, to say the least. Here are some ways to handle such a boss well.

Avoid arguments

Insecure bosses do not respond well to an aggressive, argumentative attitude. Offer your view as an option instead. You might say: “I have another idea, or another plan, that I would like you to consider.”

Respect the hierarchy

Insecure people like to be kept informed and pay close attention to rank. Avoid going over your boss’s head to their own manager. As far as possible, do not seek approvals or present plans to the senior person without your boss being present.

Seek advice from senior colleagues

People who are insecure can come down hard on others. If every effort to ease your boss’s fears fails and it starts to seriously affect your work, it is best to approach a more senior person or the human resources department for advice on how to handle the situation.

Keep a written record

Always follow up spoken discussions with your boss by email. A written record of what was agreed can be a great help.

Underneath all of this is a simple idea: an insecure manager needs reassurance, not competition. Calm, respectful and transparent behaviour gives them less to fear and gives you more room to do good work.

Sensible discipline keeps children out of most trouble. Children who know that what they do has results tend to stay within the rules.

Every parent wants a child to learn from a mistake and avoid making it twice. We draw lines and set limits to keep their children safe, and to keep others safe too. Being sensitive, thinking beings, children will test those limits for themselves. A little mischief now and then is perfectly normal.

Why the early rules matter

Very young children cannot yet tell right from wrong, so they need discipline to protect them. You might put a small child in “time out” for trying to switch on the stove. You are not trying to crush their wish to cook, or to be cruel. You simply do not want them to get burnt.

When children start to think for themselves

As children grow, they learn to make that distinction on their own, and the older they get, the better they become at thinking for themselves. In adolescence they start to challenge the boundaries they grew up with. With a moral compass of their own now in place, they begin rejecting rules they think are unfair or pointless.

The trap of tightening the grip

When growing children start to rebel, parents sometimes feel they must tighten the reins to regain control. All this really does is open a rift between parents and children. The child is changing, yet the parents keep the same tactics. Some children will push back because they have begun to think independently. Others will stay obedient, but only out of fear of punishment.

Those who refuse to accept what feels like harsh control tend to take one of two paths. Some become sneaky, getting better at lying to avoid conflict with their parents while still following their own rules. They can grow up to be manipulative and dishonest. Others rebel openly. Believing their parents still treat them as small children, they set out to prove them wrong by staying out with friends, partying or worse, and they may fall in with bad company and into drugs and alcohol. The more the children act out, the stricter the parents become to regain control. It is a vicious, harmful cycle that helps no one.

Set limits and keep them

Children thrive on structure and clear boundaries. Do not go overboard with a hundred rules. Focus on the few that matter most to your family. Spell out the rules plainly, along with what follows when one is broken, and make sure everyone understands the consequences.

Do you apologise too often? In principle, saying sorry is one of the social glues that holds relationships together. Over-apologising, however, works against you. An apology should carry weight, which means it cannot be a constant, compulsive habit. Saying sorry all the time signals a lack of confidence. If this sounds like you, consider the next point carefully.

How it looks to others

Think about how other people see you each time you apologise for something trivial. Many situations need no apology at all, and the moments that genuinely call for asking forgiveness are fairly few. Saying sorry does not automatically prove that you are humble, polite or respectful.

Things you never need to apologise for

Do not apologise for asking a question, for walking past someone, for taking a seat, for dropping a pencil, for asking for help, or simply for existing. Letting go of these needless apologies will lift your self-esteem and your confidence.

Keep sorry meaningful

If you spend the whole day asking forgiveness for small things, forgiveness loses its meaning and its value. Save your apologies for when they matter, and they will mean far more when you offer them.

A good friendship is worth the effort. Perhaps you have realised there is nobody else in the world quite like your old friend. You long to break the silence, call a truce and have your friendship back, but you do not know where to begin. If that is you, here are a few ways to go about making up and recovering what you lost.

Let go of grudges

Going back over the past to work through a problem is one thing. Clinging to the past so that you never have to trust again is quite another. Try not to keep reopening old wounds every time you remember how angry you were when things fell apart. Remember that you are both human, and that people make mistakes that are not only forgivable but also avoidable next time.

Take criticism and use it to grow

The person closest to you often sees the worst in you and loves you anyway. That does not mean you should not hear about it when you do something wrong. Be open to advice and let the friendship help you become better. The finest thing in life is a friend who helps you be the best you can be. That is what friendship is really about.

Look at the situation again

Sometimes people simply outgrow each other. A friendship can seem deep when it was really a season of shared interests. One person may have grown more attached than the other, and there may have been a misunderstanding about how close the two of you really were. Seeing that clearly helps you decide whether to rebuild, and on what footing.

When you spend more hours with colleagues than with your family, getting to know one another feels natural. Before you start sharing details of your personal life to bond with co-workers, though, be careful. There is a fine line between healthy openness and confidences that could damage your career. A few things are best kept to yourself.

Your salary

What you earn is between you and the human resources department. Sharing it suggests you cannot be trusted to keep anything confidential.

Constant complaints about work

Endless complaining about your workload, your stress levels or the company will soon make you the person nobody asks to lunch. If you disagree with a company policy or procedure, raise it through the proper channels, or move on.

Troubles at home

Negativity of any kind puts people off at work, and that includes what you share about your private life. If you are forever describing the chaos at home, your boss may think twice about promoting you, worried that you could not cope with the extra pressure.

Gossip

Talking about people behind their backs is unkind, and very often what is being passed around is not even true.

Unemployment is one of the biggest fears of students about to graduate. It helps to know that life does not stop there, and plenty can be done while you are between jobs.

Most people see being out of work as a place they do not want to be: something shameful, a constant struggle, a situation others frown on. Yet some people treat it as a choice, an opportunity to build something of their own, and a fresh way of looking at life. Here are a few ways to make the most of a period without work.

Be creative

There is no telling whether one of your hobbies could lead to a career, or at least to recognition. It might be painting, writing or dancing. Just do it, and do it often. You may well improve, and you will be happier and more fulfilled. At this stage it is not about chasing a pay cheque. It is about keeping yourself positive while you find what you are looking for. Creativity can be found in your own surroundings too, so take time out and stay open to it.

Network

Many people only bother with this when it is convenient, yet it matters a lot. What many people call socialising is what successful people call networking. Whether it is a hobby meet-up, a meal with friends of friends or a family get-together, opportunities to connect are everywhere. Do not shut yourself away hoping opportunity will knock. Go out and do the knocking yourself.

Plan

Plan your day, your year and the next five years. How detailed the plan is, or how far ahead it looks, matters less than having one. Even a rough two-week plan will clear your head and give your days more order, helping you picture the future and think the way you will need to tomorrow. It is also wise to plan for failure, or at least to leave room for the unexpected.

Travel

Seeing how people eat, work and live in other places broadens your outlook and teaches you things no classroom can. You may not have chosen where you are now, so how will you know where you truly want to spend your life if you never see what else is out there? After you settle into a full-time job, above all one where you work for others, you may find it very hard to see the world until you retire. If you are between jobs, now is the time to go. Let the freedom from work responsibilities be your reason to pack up and set off. Travelling also prepares you to face challenges and teaches lessons no institution can.

Study further

Education matters greatly today. If you are out of work, think about taking another degree, finishing a course or even learning a new language. These fill your time well, and they also make you more employable.

Nearly everyone knows the feeling. After something painful, a break-up for instance, you keep reliving what happened and cannot clear certain destructive thoughts from your mind. Here are a few ways to get past bad experiences.

Learn something new, or play a sport

When your brain switches over to learning something new, the unwelcome thoughts in your head slowly fade away. Each time we absorb a new process into our ideas and experiences, we focus on it so fully that there is far less room for brooding. The same thing happens when we exert ourselves physically.

Say less, and pause

When you are talking with someone who stirs your emotions, leave pauses. You need time to cool down and think about what you have said. That way you say fewer things you later regret, and in time your anger and irritation run out of fuel.

Stop hunting for someone to blame

Endlessly picking over the past to find who was at fault, including ways of blaming yourself, rarely leads anywhere good. Usually a whole chain of factors produced the situation you are in now, each one leading to the next like dominoes. Make peace with it. The event is over; the task now is to look for a solution.

Remember that thoughts are not facts

What is real and what your mind tells you are two different things. Our emotions also act on the body, showing up as stress, worry, tension and fear that we feel from head to toe.

Deal with the biggest problem first

Whatever the event, the hardest thing most people then wrestle with is anger. Try to calm it through quiet reflection, long walks or exercise, or indeed any activity that settles you down.

Mental strength can act as a road map for success in every part of your life, and especially in your career. To get the full benefit from it, though, you need to work on it the way you would on any other valuable skill. That work includes getting clearer about your purpose and learning to bring about good results yourself.

Mentally strong people tend to steer clear of four traps.

Self-pity

Wallowing in pity for yourself leaves the mind scattered and unable to focus.

Giving up

Watching a project fail is disheartening. Mentally strong people do not treat a failure as a full stop. They treat it as a lesson that brings them a step nearer to their goal.

Living in the past

Whether your past taught you hard lessons or held your days of glory, it is over. Focused people know that getting ahead means putting all their energy into what comes next.

Expecting to be owed

Employers do not owe anyone a raise for work that has not been done. A strong-minded employee accepts this and is willing to work hard to get ahead.

There was once an old farmer who had worked his fields for many years. One day his horse ran off. Hearing the news, his neighbours came round. “What bad luck,” they said, full of sympathy.

“Perhaps,” said the farmer.

The next morning the horse came back, and three wild horses came with it. “What wonderful luck!” the neighbours cried.

“Perhaps,” said the old man.

The day after that, his son climbed onto one of the wild horses, was thrown off and broke his leg. Once again the neighbours came to share their sympathy over his misfortune.

“Perhaps,” the farmer replied.

A day later, army officials arrived in the village to draft young men into service. Seeing the son’s broken leg, they left him alone. The neighbours came to congratulate the farmer on how well things had worked out.

“Perhaps,” said the farmer.

Curses that turn into blessings

Most of us have lived through something like this: a setback that later proved to be a blessing, a rejection that steered us somewhere better, or a wish that went ungranted and turned out to be the best thing that could have happened.

Life is a surprise gift

Life really is like a wrapped present. You never know what you are going to get. The wise course is neither to fool ourselves nor to stop caring, but to stay balanced through the ups and downs. There is also a quiet tendency for good fortune to follow bad, and bad to follow good.

So it helps to have solid beliefs that keep you steady: to enjoy and celebrate the good when it comes, and to work through hard times knowing they too will pass.