Teenagers often take a lot of criticism for not knowing things. Parents, of course, have their own kind of ignorance: not knowing everything going on in their teenager’s life, not being sure what to do, not knowing whether they made the right call, and sometimes not knowing their teenager as well as they would like.

Yet not knowing deserves more respect than it gets. It is where the need and the desire to learn begin. And sometimes it lets us take chances that knowing better would have ruled out.

It can point the way

Imagine a parent who discourages their nearly grown child from applying for a technology job, reasoning that such roles require a degree or advanced training. The young person, without that realistic knowledge of the world, applies anyway, driven by curiosity and self-taught skills, and lands summer work that pays well and opens doors for the future.

Learning takes courage

Treating ignorance as shameful can crush a young person’s appetite for learning. In the classroom, learning is partly a matter of taking emotional risks. To grasp something new, a young person has to admit they do not know, make mistakes, look foolish, feel slow and be judged. That is why, for teenagers, learning takes real bravery.

Think of a classroom where most students hesitate to ask questions. Why? Because every question is a confession of not knowing, and few people want to admit that at an age when appearing knowledgeable matters so much. Yet those who do speak up are the ones who clear their doubts and understand the subject.

It reveals what we need to know

Of course, not knowing can have unhappy consequences, especially when young people would rather go without information than admit they lack it. But ignorance also shows exactly what a person needs to learn, and that awareness is valuable.

It can become a strength

Not knowing provokes questions, and questions are evidence of thinking, interest and curiosity. Take courage, and ask. There is another benefit too: young people who do not know any better will sometimes attempt what common sense would have dismissed as impossible, and succeed.

One more thought. When some piece of information is emotionally draining, holds you back, causes distress or simply is not needed, consider letting it pass you by. Now and then, not knowing really is a gift.

The next time a problem irritates you and you find yourself grumbling and complaining, stop for a moment. Begin to manage your emotions, and open your mind to solving the problem creatively instead.

Ask better questions

Start asking yourself questions that lead somewhere:

• How could I solve this problem in the most creative, inventive way?
• What kind of product or service would fix it, and could I make it myself?
• How could I find a new way out of this situation?
• What other roads lead to the same goal?
• Suppose I tried the exact opposite: what then?

Complaining costs too much

Complaining simply uses up too much of your mental energy. Feeling like a victim of a situation has never produced a good solution or a creative idea. Being inventive, proactive and enterprising, on the other hand, almost always moves things forward. You may not only solve the problem for yourself, but stumble on an idea that helps many others too.

There is always some step you can take, as long as you keep your mind open and do not let negative emotions block the way.

Like a parachute

Remember the old saying: a mind, like a parachute, is useless unless it opens. Keeping an open mind means, above all, knowing how to manage the negative feelings and thoughts that stop you from seeing the most creative answers.

Moments of crisis often hide opportunity. Problems push us to look beyond the usual, and that is exactly where creativity lives. So keep your mind open, stay inventive, and be willing to shift the way you think.

So much of our lives is spent communicating that it is well worth investing some time, attention and intelligence in shaping our messages, and the tone in which we deliver them, wisely and kindly.

Two questions before you speak

What tone of voice, and what choice of words, will give this message the best chance of working, and lead to the best outcome for everyone involved? If you spend just a few moments on these two questions before you speak, you may be surprised by how much changes for the better.

The same words can comfort or wound depending on how they are said. A request can sound like an order. Concern can sound like criticism. Taking a breath to choose your tone often prevents a misunderstanding before it starts.

Your tone tells you something too

Often we do not really notice our own mood until we start speaking. The tone that comes out tells us a great deal about what we are really feeling. So simply listening to your own voice can be both fascinating and useful. If you hear impatience or irritation creeping in, that is a signal worth noticing.

Build a range of tones

Develop a range of tones that you can use on purpose. Get to know what warm, calm, encouraging and patient tones sound like when you use them, and practise them in ordinary conversations. Like any skill, it grows with use, and the people around you will feel the difference long before they can name it.

Pull out the weeds in your life, plant something true in their place, and a rich harvest will be waiting for you when all is said and done.

What counts as a weed

A weed means different things to different people. As the saying goes, one person’s weed is another person’s garden. Broadly, a weed is any plant growing where it is not wanted. And to be rid of weeds, you have to go after their roots.

Our personal lives have weeds too: bad habits, mistaken opinions of ourselves or others, procrastination, or simply disorganisation. They can show up as a lack of motivation or passion, and they can hide in what we believe and in how we see ourselves. Left alone, they drain the joy out of life and leave us living in discomfort.

Uproot and replace

To clear them, we must pull them out and put something better in their place, using accountability, resources and opportunities that help us grow into a productive and joyful life.

Remember that uprooting a weed of this kind takes time, because we are replacing bad habits with better ones. A garden needs time for healthy plants to take hold. So does yours. The new habits you plant need nourishment to grow. Change is never easy, and often there is an awkward stage to go through before you see the beauty and the rewards.

A simple process

• Replace a bad habit with a good one by picturing clearly what the new habit will look like, and understanding why you are making the swap.
• Practise the new actions again and again, until they come naturally.
• Expect a transition phase. The old behaviour has become comfortable, like a worn pair of shoes that may look shabby but feel so easy. Resist slipping back. You are working to remove the whole root, which takes time and energy.
• The new habit may feel uncomfortable at first because you are not used to it. Keep practising, and do not give up just because it feels strange. The result is worth it.
• In the end, the new behaviour becomes automatic. A new habit is born.

Weeding the garden of your life takes persistence, patience and, above all, a commitment to change. Once healthy changes take root, you can keep that garden beautiful, and free of those stubborn weeds.

Most of us have known a brother, sister or friend who, for whatever reason, decided to copy us. It might be our words, our habits or our choice of clothes. When the copier then passes those things off as original, it can be quite frustrating.

At work, it becomes far more serious. Passing off someone else’s ideas as your own is a much graver act, and one that can ruin careers and relationships.

The lure of the shortcut

People who copy are usually looking for a shortcut. They want the praise and the reputation without putting in the hard work. Or perhaps they feel unsure of what they can contribute, and believe that leaning on other people’s work will give them the confidence they lack.

Whatever the reason, that choice can trail behind you for years. Think of children who persuade their parents to do their homework. They may get a good mark on that one assignment, but in the end they fall behind, because they never did the work that would have made the knowledge their own.

The cost to trust

Trust matters in every workplace. Employers trust their people to do their own work, and when an organisation’s reputation is at stake, there is no room for copying. In some fields, borrowing a single small idea, or even a phrase, can lead to a lawsuit against you or the company.

People known for copying are often seen as lazy or lacking initiative. Some employers will avoid giving them important tasks, especially ones that call for original thinking, or will pass them over for promotion. Others will not tolerate copying at all, judging the risk too great to keep such a person on.

Your own path

There is no ready-made formula for success. Each of us has to make our own mistakes and learn our own hard lessons before we find it. That journey is slower than copying, but it is the only one that leaves you with something that is truly yours.

Always seeking other people’s approval stops us from doing what we actually want to do. It is possible, though not easy, to care far less about what others think of you. Most of us want to be liked, and that is natural. But when you reach the point of giving up your own happiness for the sake of others’ opinions, something has gone wrong.

You cannot please everyone

However much we care about what people think of us, the truth is that there will always be someone in your life who criticises and judges. It stings, but ultimately it changes very little. No amount of effort will win over everyone.

An opinion is not your problem

A view held by someone else is just their view. The fact that they see or feel a particular way about something does not hand the matter to you. Nor does it make it true.

Shift your focus

Suppose you did badly on an assignment. Instead of brooding over what your teacher thinks of you, or a remark a classmate made, make a plan for what you will do differently next time. Your attention can only stretch across a handful of things, so make those few things count.

Keep one truth in mind. If your happiness depends mostly on what other people think, you will never be truly happy. Their approval is never fully in your hands. Your own effort, and your own peace, always are.

Most of us spend our days living in our heads. When we live more from the heart, we feel more and think less, and something in us settles.

It is often said that to be happy you should think less and feel more; frown less and smile more; talk less and listen more; judge less and accept more; watch less and do more; complain less and appreciate more. Of all these, think less and feel more may matter most.

From the head to the heart

Remember three words: mind, heart, being. The mind always comes first, but nothing matters more than the journey from the head down to the heart. So step out of your head and into your heart. Do not always look to outside authorities or other people’s opinions. Be a little more independent. Feeling brings us closer to who we really are; endless thinking pulls us away. Feel more and think less, and you will find far more joy.

Busy mode and relaxed mode

Life tends to run in two modes. There is the busy mode of our everyday routines, and there is the relaxed mode that arrives when we have unstructured time: a holiday, a day out with family, a quiet afternoon of pampering.

In relaxed mode, we think less and feel more. We simply soak in the sunshine, the sounds and the sensations. We notice the wind and the warmth, the sound of water and of laughter, the bright colours of nature, the smiles around us. The sensations of the body flow into the mind, and we feel relaxed and happy.

Stop going round in circles

That is where life is lived instead of ignored. Stop getting so attached to your thoughts. You know you have been thinking yourself in circles. Take a break. Making space feels good. Connecting with your body feels good. Even halting the whirring cogs in your head feels good.

And when we feel good, we do more good, through our work and our hobbies. Many of the problems we carried turn out to have been creations of the mind, made real only because we kept feeding them.

Be light with your thoughts

Look after yourself, because if you want to create and inspire, you need room for inspiration to arrive. It does not come from sheer willpower. This is not about switching off your mind or forcing away every thought. It is about holding your thoughts lightly, and keeping your reflections curious and playful. The heart can be your compass. The brain is a tool, not the whole of you.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Once you work out which it is, you know how to respond. It helps to understand why someone is in your life, and to value them for exactly what they are.

For a reason

When someone enters your life for a reason, it is usually to meet a need, one you have spoken aloud or only felt inside. They arrive to help you through a difficulty, to give you guidance and support, or to help you physically or emotionally. They can feel like a gift sent at just the right moment, and in a sense they are. They are there because you need them to be.

Then, through no fault of yours, and often at an awkward time, they say or do something that brings the relationship to an end. Sometimes they simply walk away. What we need to understand is that our need has been met and our wish fulfilled. Their part is done. What we hoped for has arrived, and now it is time to move on.

For a season

When people come into your life for a season, it is because your time has come to share, to grow or to learn. They may bring you a sense of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done before. Often they give you an extraordinary amount of joy. Believe it, because it is real. But it lasts only for a season.

For a lifetime

Lifetime relationships teach lifetime lessons: the things you must build on to have a solid emotional foundation. Your task is to accept the lesson, love the person, and carry what you have learned into all your other relationships and into the rest of your life.

It is said that love is blind, but friendship sees clearly. Whichever kind of person you are thinking of right now, be grateful for what they brought.

Nelson Mandela once observed that what binds us to one another is human compassion. Not pity, and not looking down on others, but the understanding of people who have learned to transform the pain they share into hope.

So here are a few dares for today, to help you show a little more compassion to the people around you. Try them, and by the end of the day you may find yourself more mindful, and happier.

Show compassion to someone

Whatever you are going through yourself, you can always make another person feel good in some small way. Pay someone a compliment. Hold the door open. Stop to help someone stranded by the roadside. Cook something for a friend who has just been through a painful break-up or a hard time. Put simply, do one unplanned kind thing, and see how inventive you can be.

Offer a hug

Some people stand in busy streets holding a sign that offers free hugs, and it works well because everyone knows what to expect. When did you last hug someone who needed it? The truth is that many people feel quite lonely. A warm embrace, offered where it is welcome, can ease that feeling, even if only for a moment.

Call someone you keep meaning to

Today, pick up the phone and call the person you have been meaning to talk to for ages. It could be an old friend, a distant relative, a former teacher, or someone you once knew well. Ask how they have been. There is nothing to lose.

Write a letter by hand

When did you last receive a handwritten letter? We read emails and messages all day, but none of them feels like opening an envelope from a friend or relative. If you can remember how excited you were to receive a letter you had been waiting for, imagine how the person you write to will feel.

What is a marriage if two people cannot accept each other’s flaws and let them go? Learning to let go frees you from grudges and from heavy, draining thoughts. When your partner’s apology is sincere, grant forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling

We may not feel like forgiving. Part of us may want to hold on to the anger and the hurt, and make the other person pay for what they did. But once you decide that you want to forgive, the work of moving past those feelings can start. The decision comes first. The feelings follow.

Share your hurt

After your partner has apologised and asked for forgiveness, the two of you still need to talk about what happened before you move on. It may be uncomfortable, but you need to say how you feel. Make sure you have been truly heard before you close the matter.

Plan for change

The aim here is not to punish your partner with a list of conditions. It is to agree together on a few guidelines you both accept. That way, there will be fewer grey areas that can lead to disappointment later.

Stop the replay

Do not keep replaying your partner’s mistake in your mind, like a video on a loop. When your thoughts start to drift back to the incident and the pain it caused, tell yourself firmly to stop.

Choosing to forgive, sincerely and completely, is really a way of choosing your marriage all over again.