Tag: Kids

The job is demanding at times, certainly. It is not complicated. Your role is fairly simple and that description essentially covers it. In that spirit, here are a few plain but necessary things worth teaching a child before the tenth birthday.

Kindness counts as an achievement

Doing well at other things, high marks among them, is genuinely good. What matters more is how you treat people, and that list includes yourself. Being loving and kind is the achievement, not the thing you do in the time left over after the achievements.

That last clause is worth saying to a child deliberately, because everything else in their week has a score attached and this does not.

Look after the body you have

Keep it clean. Feed it enough, and not more than enough. Keep it strong and in good health. The body treats you well, so think of everything it permits: running, skipping, curling up against someone, holding on to them, and pudding.

Note the framing. Not a set of rules about food, and not anything about how a body should look. Gratitude for a body that works, which is a much better place for a young person to start.

Sharing includes what you know

It is good to share toys. It is also good to share ideas, and to show other children how to do things you have already worked out, such as tying a shoelace or throwing a frisbee.

The second half is the more valuable one and it is usually left out. A child who teaches another child discovers two things at once: that they know something, and that knowing it is worth more when somebody else has it too.

No is allowed

If there is a particular toy you do not want to share because it means something to you, perhaps a present from a grandparent, then it is perfectly all right to say that you would rather not. You do not have to say yes to everybody every time. Be kind in how you say no.

This one matters more than its size suggests. A child taught only to share, and never that refusing is permitted, learns that their own boundary is negotiable by anybody who asks firmly enough. The lesson is not selfishness. It is that no is a complete answer and can be given warmly.

Respect runs in both directions

Every rule in this house exists because we love you, because keeping you safe matters more to us than being liked, and because we would like the life ahead of you to be as good as a life gets.

And the instruction the page attaches to that is the one holding the whole list together: lead by instance. Treat yourself, and treat everybody else, with respect. A child takes almost nothing from being told these five things and almost everything from watching whether you do them.

Listening in English is hard, and it stays hard for longer than the other parts. The place to start is with the belief that you can speak and understand it fluently. Even when the early going is difficult, that settled expectation is what keeps a learner in the work long enough to get anywhere.

Do all three, not the comfortable one

Do not only read English. Speak it, and listen to it. Each of the three keeps you alert in a different way and opens up quite different methods of study.

There is a reason the comfortable one is reading. You set the pace, you can stop, and you can look back at the sentence. Speech gives you none of that. It arrives at the speaker’s speed, once, and the words run together in ways the page never showed you. Time spent on each skill separately is what makes you usable in an actual situation rather than only on paper.

Start with what already interests you

Choose listening material on subjects you care about. Attention is most of the battle, and you will stay with a recording about something you would have listened to anyway.

Then deliberately choose what does not

Once that is going, pick topics you are unfamiliar with, because that is where the vocabulary you do not have is kept. Branching into different kinds of entertainment builds the word stock and puts a real load on memory and comprehension.

Both halves are needed. Familiar material builds fluency and confidence. Unfamiliar material is the only thing that adds range. A learner who does only the first plateaus pleasantly and stops improving.

Guess ahead of the speaker

This is the technique on the page and it is the one worth taking away. Pay attention to what you are hearing and to the situation you are hearing it in. Ask yourself continually what is likely to come next, based on what you know and on what would simply make sense. Then take the chance and guess.

The reason this works is not that your guesses are right. It is that a prediction gives the next few seconds something to attach to. A listener with no expectation has to identify every word from nothing, which is slow, and slow is fatal when the speaker does not stop. A listener who is half a sentence ahead only has to check.

It also means you can follow a conversation while missing individual words, which is what fluent listening actually consists of. Nobody hears everything. They simply lose nothing that matters.

Charles Darwin was an English naturalist, and his account of evolution by natural selection changed how our species understands itself and everything around it. Darwinism, put plainly, says this: organisms differ slightly from one another, some of those differences are inherited, and the ones that help an individual compete, endure and leave offspring accumulate until a new species has formed.

The twelfth of February is kept as Darwin Day, marking his birth in 1809 and standing more broadly for science and for reason. The facts below tend to be left out of the textbook paragraph.

He shares a birthday with Abraham Lincoln

The same day, the same year, and about as different a beginning as two lives can manage. America’s sixteenth president arrived in a one-room cabin of logs somewhere in the Kentucky backwoods. Darwin arrived in a large Georgian house standing on an estate above the River Severn, next to the medieval market town of Shrewsbury.

He was meant to be a doctor

He went to Edinburgh intending to become a physician like his father, and gave it up quickly because he could not stand the sight of blood. The fallback was the church. He turned to divinity with the intention of becoming a country clergyman, a post that would have left him plenty of time for his hobby, which was natural history.

It is worth pausing on that. The best-known naturalist in history arrived at natural history as the thing he did around two careers that did not take.

He ate the specimens

Darwin did not only study unfamiliar animals from around the world. At Cambridge he founded what the members called the Gourmet Club, whose stated purpose was to dine on birds and beasts unknown to the human palate. The curiosity that took him to the Galapagos appears to have had a literal appetite attached to it.

He was on the money

From the year 2000, the reverse of the British ten-pound note carried a portrait of the bearded Darwin, set beside a picture of HMS Beagle, the ship that took him on the voyage out of which the work came.

One correction to make here, since the clipping this came from is some years old. That note has gone. It was replaced in 2017 by a polymer note carrying Jane Austen, and the Darwin note stopped being legal tender in March 2018. If you have one in a drawer, it is a keepsake rather than currency, though the Bank of England will still exchange it.

There is an old tale worth retelling, and then there is the reason it has lasted.

The story

An elderly man put it about that his neighbour was a thief. The younger man was arrested on the strength of it. Some days later he was cleared, and he walked home through the same streets carrying the humiliation of having been taken away in front of them. He then took the older man to court for accusing him falsely.

In the courtroom the old man offered the defence such people always offer. They were only remarks. Nobody was hurt.

The judge did not pass sentence. Instead he told the old man to write down every remark he had made, on paper, and to cut the paper into pieces, and to scatter the pieces on the way home. Come back tomorrow, he said, for the sentence.

When the man returned, the judge issued one instruction ahead of any sentence. Go out, he said, and collect every scrap you scattered on your way home.

The old man said what anybody would say. That is impossible. The wind has taken them and I would not know where to begin.

And the judge said that this is exactly what a few careless remarks do to a person’s good name. They go too far and into too many hands to be called back. The old man understood what he had done and asked to be forgiven.

Why it holds

The moral attached to the tale is plain enough. Do not accuse anybody of anything before you know whether it is true, because your words can destroy a reputation that was never at fault.

What makes the story more than a pleasant lesson is the asymmetry it describes. An accusation is interesting, so it is repeated. A correction is dull, so it is not. The two pieces of information travel at completely different speeds through the same set of people, which means a retraction almost never reaches the whole audience that heard the original.

And there is a second effect layered on that. People remember that they heard something about a person far longer than they remember what it was or whether it turned out to be true. A name acquires a faint cloud. Nobody can say why.

What it costs to be careful

Very little, which is the point. Before repeating something about somebody, ask where it came from and whether the person telling you actually knows. If the answer is that somebody else said so, you have not learned anything, you have only been handed something to carry.

The judge in the story could have fined the old man. Making him try to gather the paper was better, because a fine ends and the understanding does not.

Each person carries a manner of moving through life that belongs to them alone. That is easiest to take seriously once you notice that every human being stands in a distinct position, and nobody else is standing quite where they stand.

We grow up in different places, shaped by a range of influences nobody chose. The preferences, values and beliefs we hold are bound up closely with where we came from, and the impulse to make our own experience particular is instinctive, because doing so is what lets us cope when we have to face things alone. The result is that each of us carries a perspective that is genuinely ours and not quite anybody else’s.

What that means in a difficult room

Interacting peacefully and usefully with people from every walk of life is first a matter of understanding where they are coming from. Once you have some of that, you can adjust your expectations, which stops you making assumptions about them that were never warranted.

Because in the middle of a disagreement, the assumption arrives on its own. They are being difficult. They are being unreasonable. They are just stubborn. We become frustrated when somebody close by does not share our opinion, or will not support what we are trying to do.

It is far more likely that the person in front of you simply holds a different notion of what matters in a life. Stubbornness and a different set of priorities look identical from the outside and require completely different responses.

The move that opens it

When there is a barrier between you and somebody else, think of questions you could ask that would give you a fuller picture of their point of view. Not rhetorical ones. Actual ones, to which you do not know the answer.

What you often discover is that the difference in perspective dividing you is not really about the matter under discussion. It is attached to an insecurity or some personal difficulty that shapes how they see everything, and the argument you are having is a proxy. Asking what they are protecting will get you further than establishing who is correct.

Two honest limits

The first: you will never fully grasp the complexity of another person, and you do not need to. You can go a very long way on the simple habit of reaching towards people in a spirit of sympathetic comprehension, and stopping there is not a failure.

The second, and this one matters more. Accepting that somebody was formed elsewhere is not the same as accepting whatever they do. Understanding why a person behaves badly explains the behaviour, it does not licence it, and there is a version of tolerance that quietly becomes an excuse for putting up with harm. Respect the right of every person to determine their own course. That right ends where it starts costing somebody else theirs.

Average college scores run well below average school scores, and the usual explanation is that the work got harder. Some of it did. But something else changes at the same time, and it is almost invisible: students stop asking.

In a school classroom the asking is normal and slightly compulsory. In a lecture hall it is optional, the room is large, and the cost of looking slow in front of two hundred people feels enormous. So the hand stays down, and nothing happens, and nothing continuing to happen is precisely the problem.

Why silence is expensive

A lecturer reads a quiet room as a room that has understood. There is no other signal available. So the pace stays where it is, the next session assumes the last one landed, and a gap that was one step wide in September is four steps wide by November. Subjects that build on themselves, mathematics, statistics, anything with code in it, punish this hardest, because every session is constructed on top of the one you missed.

The fear is the wrong way round

The thing that keeps the hand down is the belief that asking advertises incompetence. The research points the other way. Alison Brooks and colleagues ran a series of experiments on advice seeking and found that people who asked for advice were rated as more competent than those who did not, not less, and the effect held across several settings. Asking reads as engagement. It also flatters the person asked, which is not a cynical observation, just a true one.

Most professors are, genuinely, enthusiastic about the subject they teach, and are approached by a surprisingly small fraction of the people they teach. Approach them freely whenever you have a doubt. You will actually learn the thing, and you will also make a good impression as a sincere student, which is worth more than it sounds when references are being written.

Ask early and ask small

The useful question is the narrow one asked the same week. Not “I do not understand chapter four”, which nobody can answer, but “I lost you at the step where the sign changed”. If the room is hard to speak in, ask afterwards, or in two lines of email. The format matters far less than the timing.

And the timetable

The other half of this is ordinary and worth repeating. Write the week down, keep to what you wrote, and make certain the plan is one a human being could follow, with hours left in it for friends and for doing nothing at all.

The reason so many study plans collapse is not weak character. It is that people are consistently optimistic about how long work will take, a bias Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky named the planning fallacy, and a plan built on that optimism fails in the first fortnight and takes your confidence with it. Build the evenings off into the plan from the start. A modest timetable you actually follow will beat a magnificent one you abandon.

Laughter therapy, sometimes called humour therapy, is the deliberate use of humour to improve how a person feels. Hospitals run programmes. The claims attached to it have grown enormous, and that is a pity, because the modest true thing underneath is genuinely interesting and gets buried under the rest.

The claim that holds

Robin Dunbar and colleagues ran a series of studies in which people watched either comedy or neutral material and then had their pain threshold measured. Threshold rose after genuine, helpless, breathless laughter, and it did not rise after material that people found pleasant but did not actually laugh at.

That distinction is the whole finding. The active ingredient appears to be the physical exertion of laughing, the repeated forced exhalation, which is the kind of effort that triggers endorphin release much as other exertion does. Polite social laughter does not involve that exertion, and it does not produce the effect.

This also explains why laughter is so relentlessly social. Laughing is many times more likely in company than alone, and the pain threshold that rises is a rough measure of endorphin activity, which is the same system implicated in social bonding across primates. Shared helpless laughter is closer to grooming than to medicine.

The claims that do not hold

Ten to fifteen minutes of laughter burns forty calories. This traces to a single small laboratory study of energy expenditure while people watched comedy. Forty calories is a few almonds. It is a charming fact and it is not a plan.

Laughing releases endorphins that outdo an equivalent dose of morphine. Nobody ever measured any such thing. The sentence sets a hormone against a drug in units that do not exist, and it has survived for decades purely because it startles.

It protects against heart disease, builds immunity, and lowers the blood sugar spike after a meal. Each of these rests on a small study measuring a marker, not on any study showing fewer heart attacks or fewer illnesses. A marker moving is where research starts, not where advice starts.

What to do with all that

Nothing medical. If something is wrong, the person to talk to is a doctor, and no amount of comedy substitutes for that.

What the evidence does support is smaller and easier. Laughing properly, with other people, for long enough to lose your breath, makes the next hour more bearable and the people you did it with feel closer. That is not a miracle cure. It is a decent reason to spend an evening with the friends who make you laugh like that, which very few of us schedule and most of us miss.

You did everything correctly. You set the goal, you took action, and somewhere along the way it did not work and the result you wanted did not arrive.

Then comes the account of why. It was a bitter winter. The supplier delivered late, or delivered the wrong item, or the right item in the wrong colour. The schools closed and the children were at home. You caught a cold. The dog died. You have heard every one of these and you have offered most of them.

The test

Here is the thing that makes this hard. Every sentence in that paragraph may be entirely true. A reason and an excuse are not distinguished by honesty, because both of them are usually honest. They are distinguished by what happens next.

A reason changes the next attempt. The supplier was late, so this time there is a second supplier, or a longer lead time, or a penalty clause. An excuse changes nothing. It closes the matter and leaves the arrangement exactly as it was, ready to produce the same result.

So the question is not whether it was your fault. It is whether anything about Monday is different because of what you have just explained.

Start with what actually matters

A great deal of time goes on work that does not really matter, and the tasks that do matter go unfinished. The excuse then arrives to account for the productivity problem, which is a neat way of justifying poor decisions about where the hours went. Identify the few tasks that genuinely matter, finish those, and give the remainder whatever is left over.

Watch for a belief that has set a ceiling

What you hold to be true about your own limit governs what you attempt, and what you attempt governs what arrives, so a belief of that kind behaves less like an observation and more like a forecast that quietly arranges its own weather. It shows in the thinking, then in the talking, and most of all in the doing. Conceding that one of these is wrong is uncomfortable, and it is the only thing that opens the loop.

Or is the method itself the problem?

Where the same approach keeps producing the same disappointing result, change the approach. Most people will not, because an untried method carries risk while the familiar one has a known ending, even a mediocre known ending. Courage is cheaper here than it looks, precisely because the familiar method has already shown you where it stops.

Or are you simply being impatient?

In an age of immediate everything it is easy to forget that some things take the time they take. You may not have failed at all. The results may simply not have arrived yet, and doubt at this stage will stop you taking the one action that would let them. Decide in advance how long you will keep going, and do not hold the verdict before the window has closed.

And sometimes it is genuinely not you

Worth saying plainly, because the whole genre pretends otherwise. Take the economy as an excuse for a business that will not grow. People are spending more cautiously and the easy customers are not there any more. That is real. What is also real is that the remaining customers, higher up, are committed and keen, harder to find and worth considerably more when you find them. The external condition was true. It just was not the end of the sentence.

Cicero said that the face is a picture of the mind, and two thousand years later it is still the first thing we read in a room. A micro expression is the involuntary version: a flicker that appears for a fraction of a second, driven by an emotion actually being felt. Held expressions are easy to fake. The flicker is much harder.

So the promise attached to this is tempting. Learn the signals and you can tell what somebody is thinking. Here is what the signals are, and here is what they are honestly worth.

Blinking

People who are uncomfortable blink more than people who are at ease. The claim usually attached to this is that a rise in blink rate exposes a lie. Discomfort is real and visible. What causes it is not written on the face.

The pupils

This one is genuinely outside anybody’s control. Look at something you find appealing and your pupils widen, whether or not you would like them to. It is as close to an honest signal as a face produces, and it reports interest rather than truthfulness.

The mouth and the exit

A hand drifting across the mouth. A swallow. A glance towards the door. These are collected as the tells of somebody managing a lie, and the reasoning is that a person who wants to be truthful and is not feels the tension of it.

Now the part that is usually left out

People are poor at detecting lies from behaviour. Charles Bond and Bella DePaulo gathered the research on this and published the result in 2006, pooling hundreds of studies in which people judged whether someone was telling the truth. Ordinary people and trained professionals alike landed only a little above a coin toss. Confidence rises with practice. Accuracy does not.

The reason is that every cue on the list above is a sign of stress, and being disbelieved is stressful whether or not you are lying. An honest person under suspicion produces the whole set.

So the superpower is real but pointed the other way. Faces are excellent at telling you that something is going on, and unreliable at telling you what. Treat a cluster of signals as a reason to ask a question, never as a verdict.

One more lens

Age changes what a face is even being asked to do. People who grew up with a screen between themselves and the conversation often say the hard things in writing and keep the face out of it. People who did not will want the difficult conversation in a room. Neither is avoidance. Knowing which one you are facing tells you where to hold the conversation.

Every decision you make about money runs on a belief you have probably never stated. It was assembled out of how money was handled in the house you grew up in, and it is doing more work than any spreadsheet. Five of these turn up again and again.

No philosophy at all

Money arrives and money leaves. There may be a steady income and the feeling is still one of being short, often with a card balance that never quite closes and a permanent sense of catching up. Some people spend an entire working life here.

The way out is unglamorous. Shrink the life temporarily and do the dull work of getting straight. Start refusing things, including some obligations you took on because refusing felt impossible. Telephone the bank or the card company and ask for a repayment arrangement, which they will usually discuss. Take extra work for a defined stretch if that is available to you.

Handing it to somebody else

A common pattern, and one the source page described in a way I am not going to repeat, because it blamed a group of people rather than describing a habit. The habit is this: one adult in a household manages the money and the other stays out of it entirely.

The problem is not the division of labour. It is the absence of ownership. The person who has stepped back cannot answer basic questions about their own position. The fix is not a takeover. It is periodic oversight, and stating plainly where you want your money to be and at what rate you expect it to grow.

The simple approach

Provident fund, fixed deposits, sometimes property, sometimes an insurance policy treated as a savings plan. It feels safe, and it usually underperforms, because the whole position is defensive and inflation quietly removes the value of money sitting still.

The balanced approach

A spread across several kinds of asset, with a fixed share of income invested steadily month after month regardless of what the news is doing. The defining feature is not any particular product. It is the spreading of risk across categories and the willingness to let time do the compounding.

The aggressive approach

Heavy exposure to equities, and often to start-ups, active trading, attempts to time the market, or a second property bought to be sold on. High risk in the literal sense: the large gain and the heavy loss are the same strategy seen on two different days.

One structural note

The page set out the usual shape of a balanced position. A defensive core that protects against inflation and bad years. A solid middle with moderate risk. And, because the base is secure, a meaningful share pointed at growth.

Which of the five you are in is worth knowing. Which you should move to is a question for a qualified adviser who can see your actual numbers, not for an article.