Tag: Parents

Give a well balanced kite a steady wind, and it will climb to great heights. But point its nose towards the ground, and that very same wind will send it crashing down.

The wind of criticism

Criticism works in just the same way. Just as the wind can either lift a kite or wreck it, criticism can either push you towards high goals or drain away your drive. The wind does not decide. The angle of the kite does.

Critics are many, achievers few

People who criticise far outnumber people who achieve. Yet no one has ever built a statue in honour of a critic. So do not spend your energy trying to please or soothe your critics. Instead, take whatever is useful in their warnings and use it to keep yourself on course.

Criticism is simply part of human nature. Finding fault is easier than creating something or trying something new. If you set out to accomplish anything worthwhile, critics will offer you an endless list of reasons why you will fail, or why you should not even try.

A sign you are rising

To turn criticism into lift, understand this: criticism places you alongside everyone who has ever achieved something great. When you reach out and stretch yourself, you rise above the horizon, and anything that rises becomes easier to see, and easier to aim at.

So keep the nose of your kite pointed upward. Let the wind push against you. That pressure is exactly what carries you higher.

A thought can be perfectly true and still keep you from living the life you are meant for. So it is worth choosing thoughts that serve your deeper purpose and goals.

The mind is a remarkable instrument, yet we rarely give it a second thought. We assume we have no say over what we think, because thoughts seem to drift in and out all day. But you do have a say, and you gradually become what you think about. That small truth is the hidden power of the mind. It is not really hidden at all. It is open to everyone, including you, and it costs nothing.

Choose a different picture

Habit runs much of our lives. Without noticing, we live out a picture of life handed to us by family, the streets we grew up on and the place we call home, whether it serves us or not.

We do not have to. Each of us has a mind of our own, able to imagine life the way we want it. Each day brings countless decisions, and every one of them is ours to accept or decline. Saying no is sometimes wise, or nothing would ever get done. But the most fulfilled people tend to say yes to life. They stay open to possibilities. They believe they can change their lives, and they will happily attempt something new, even at the risk of falling short.

Put it to work

Begin to picture your life as you would like it to be. Form a picture in your mind and return to it steadily through the day. Believe in it. You do not need to announce it to anyone. Simply hold a quiet confidence that the picture can come true. You will start making choices that fit it, and taking small steps in the right direction.

Get the picture clear

Uncertainty about what we want is frequently the first thing standing between us and our dreams. We cannot aim if we are unsure of the target. Still, it is fine not to know yet what you want to become. Life is a school full of opportunities, and we never truly graduate, because the lessons never end. Focus on one thing as your aim. It does not have to be large. As you begin to reach your goals, your momentum builds, and each next goal comes a little easier.

Decide, then listen

The moment you truly decide to change, the very habit you want to change usually shows up straight away, testing you. Change your thinking and your life will improve. A new attitude begins with a new conversation inside your own head. To do that, you have to catch it as it happens. That means paying attention to yourself, watching your own mind, and listening for the quiet inner voice that will show you the way.

A psychologist was walking around a room, teaching an audience how to manage stress. When she lifted a glass of water, everyone assumed they knew what was coming: the old question of whether the glass was half empty or half full.

Instead, smiling, she held it up and asked how much it weighed.

People called out guesses, anywhere from 100 to 250 millilitres.

The answer no one expected

“The actual weight does not matter,” she said. “What matters is how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, there is no problem. If I hold it for an hour, my arm will ache. If I hold it for a whole day, my arm will go numb and I will not be able to move it. Whichever it is, the glass weighs no more than it did. But the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels.”

Our worries work the same way

Our stresses and worries behave just like that glass. Dwell on them briefly, and nothing much happens. Think about them a little longer, and they begin to hurt. Think about them all day, and you feel paralysed, unable to do anything at all.

The problem is rarely the worry itself. It is how long we keep holding it.

Set it down

So it matters to let your stresses go. Lay your burdens aside as early in the evening as you can manage. Do not carry them through the evening and into the night, where they will rob you of rest and greet you again in the morning, heavier than before.

Whatever you are holding today, remember to put the glass down.

Most of us understand, without being told, what it means to be real. People who are real do not hide behind a mask to protect themselves from how others might see them. They do not put on a false self to look more perfect, more powerful or more independent than they are.

What being real looks like

Real people show themselves as they truly are: the good parts, and also the parts most of us would rather keep hidden. Those lucky enough to know them get to meet the whole person.

Why it is hard

Being real is not easy in a culture that keeps showing us pictures of physical and material perfection. As a result, we all want to look younger, slimmer, richer and more successful. The world rewards us when we play this part well. But people who are real remind us that, inside, the act is costing us something.

Every time we feel we must be bigger, better or more exciting than who we are, we send ourselves a quiet message: you are not enough.

The gift of real people

Meanwhile, people who are not trying to be more than they are walk into a room and bring ease, humour and warmth with them. They admit to their wrinkles and laugh at their own odd habits without putting themselves down.

People like this invite us to lower our guard and relax, even for a moment, into who we really are. Around them, we feel safe enough to take off our masks and taste the freedom of no longer hiding behind a wall.

Learning to do it

Those of us who grew up with a parent who was real may find being genuine comes more naturally. The rest of us may need to work a little harder to drop our pretences and share the beauty and humour of who we really are. The reward for that risk is worth it. As we become real, we attract and inspire others, and we give them permission to be real too.

Most of us know we need to keep improving ourselves. Yet we tend to focus on the outside: getting fitter, or picking up skills that make us stronger leaders or sharper professionals. The deeper work happens within.

Why it matters

The only certainty in life is change. Situations arise, good and bad, and each one demands a response. How we respond, especially to hard times, depends on our character and resolve. It depends on our inner strength.

It can be built

Like many habits, inner strength can be developed. It does not matter if someone is seen as weak or shy. They can still grow the inner strength needed to face any of life’s challenges. It is not easy, though.

Inner strength, resilience, grit, whatever we call it, has to be forged, and the only way to forge it is through deliberate effort. That is why challenges should be seen as opportunities, because that is exactly what they are. Without challenges, there is no inner strength. When we give in without a fight, we grow weaker. When we resolve to overcome an obstacle, we grow stronger. It is simple to understand and hard to do.

Two things to remember

First, nobody is strong all of the time. Second, failure along the way is certain. What counts is how you respond to it. Get back up and resolve to do better. There is only one real roadblock to inner strength, and that is complacency.

Strength needs energy

Growing stronger inside does not mean racing around until you are drained. You need energy to do it. If you are facing difficulties with money, family or work, find a way to recharge. A run, some quiet meditation, a long bath or a good book: whatever restores you, do it.

When we set priorities, choose our battles wisely and take time to recharge, we are in a far better position to handle whatever comes. What we cannot do is build inner strength out of excuses.

Small acts of kindness have a remarkable effect, both on the people who receive them and on our own happiness. Being kind does not take much. Practise it every day, in every situation, until it becomes simply the way you are.

What kindness is

Kindness means being friendly, generous and considerate. Words like affection, gentleness, warmth, concern and care all live close to it.

Some people think a kind person must be naive or weak. That is not true. Being kind often takes courage and strength, especially when it would be easier to look away. Kindness is a skill we use with other people, and like any skill, it grows with practice.

Open your eyes

Kindness begins with noticing when someone is struggling. Then a kind word, a smile, holding a door open or helping with a heavy load can all be acts of kindness.

Ways to practise it

• Celebrate someone you love.
• Give honest compliments.
• Send a message to thank someone.
• Tell someone how special they are to you.
• Help an elderly neighbour with the garden, or bring them food or things they need.

What lasts

One day you will no longer be in this world. The kindness you showed will live on by the people whose lives you made happier. In the end, that may be the truest measure of a life well lived.

We usually treat wisdom as something outside ourselves: a quality to admire in old souls, and one we may never possess.

The way we usually see it

We think of wisdom as the knack of avoiding needless drama, and somewhere along the way we decide it belongs only to people who have seen a great deal of life. The rest of us, we assume, must keep making mistakes, because other people’s wisdom rarely seems to fit our own situation. So we walk straight into the fire, hoping that one day our turn to be wise will come.

What wisdom really is

Wisdom is not a store of quiet knowledge, taken out only after long and lofty reflection. It is an active quality, something that has to be practised every day, in ordinary moments.

How to practise it

Practising wisdom means looking within ourselves and following our problems all the way through, until we turn them into solutions. Avoiding a problem teaches nothing. Working through it teaches a great deal.

We are already whole. We do not need extra parts added to who we are. We are our own centre, and nothing from outside is required to make us more worthwhile.

Everything we need in order to change is already there, inside us. What remains is to turn our attention to that inner core, and to keep returning to it, one day at a time.

We are social creatures, so it is natural to feel uneasy when we learn that someone does not like us. What matters is knowing how to handle it, because at some point in your life it will happen.

Remind yourself who you are

Give yourself a short pep talk. Tell yourself that you are fine, and that there are plenty of people in your life who like you and care about you. One person’s opinion does not cancel all of theirs.

Stay civil and detached

Where possible, offer them a smile. When you show that you can be polite and calm around them, they are less likely to keep making their dislike obvious.

If you know you will be seeing or working with this person, accept it and prepare yourself in advance. Above all, resist the urge to slip in quiet, passive aggressive digs. They only keep the tension alive.

Put your attention where it belongs

To keep from feeling low, turn your focus to the things that truly matter to you, and let go, emotionally and even physically, of those who stand against you. Spending your energy on why someone dislikes you will not change the situation.

Ask yourself one honest question: does this person’s hostility really make a difference to my life? Unless there is a genuine reason behind their dislike, there is nothing to gain from worrying about what they do.

When it goes too far

Of course, if someone’s hostility is seriously affecting your daily life, whether through open insults, deliberate harassment or worse, it must be addressed. And if it becomes too much to carry alone, seek help from a professional.

Becoming an adult does not hand you emotional maturity, wisdom or the habit of being right. It does not protect you from making mistakes either.

Emotional maturity does not simply arrive with age, although it can be nurtured from an early age. Nor does it come from damage. You do not have to live through a mountain of hardship to understand life or to become a strong person. Maturity is something you practise. Here are four ways to grow it.

Treat mistakes as mistakes

A mistake is just that: a mistake. Do not run from it. Accept it, and take the lesson it offers. Running away only means meeting the same lesson again later.

Do not fear change

Change is uncomfortable, but it is how we grow. Each time we let it in instead of resisting it, we stretch a little further than before.

Make empathy visible

Respect the feelings of the people around you, and practise empathy in a practical way. Understanding someone quietly is not enough. You have to let them see that you understand, through what you say and what you do.

Hold on to yourself

Practise a healthy kind of detachment. Do not allow anything or anyone to become so important to you that you lose yourself in it. Caring deeply and staying whole are not opposites.

None of these depend on how old you are. A thoughtful young person can show more maturity than many adults, and anyone can start building it today.

Not every small thing in life is as cheerful as a smiling face or a helping hand. Little negative things happen too. Some days simply go wrong. And we can dwell on those moments so heavily that they end up running our lives.

Small positives carry us

Instead of letting frustration win, learning to spot small positives is what pulls us through those difficult days. Good things are all around us, if only we would notice them. It comes down to our outlook and attitude.

It is the small things that can reach deep inside us, and out to other people, and change an entire day. When we stop fixing our attention on irritations, minor problems and the general rush of life, we become open to seeing the little wonders that surround us.

Spend time with yourself

Make a habit of connecting with yourself every day. You can do it on a walk, or through quiet meditation. How you do it does not matter. What matters is simply being present with yourself. When you are in touch with yourself, you begin to relax into who you are.

Show the real you

Your inner brightness is the only one worth showing the world, because it is the real you, and nothing is more appealing than that. It is entirely your own. You will know you have found it when life starts to feel like it is flowing, when you connect easily with people, and when good things seem to find their way to you more often.

Tomorrow, try catching three small good things before noon. It is a modest habit, but it changes what the rest of the day looks like.