Tag: Parents

Keeping good relationships with other people is something everyone struggles with. The mind seems to find countless reasons why getting on with others is hard. If you find yourself with many difficult relationships, do not despair. Work through the problems and learn the art of building real friendships. These are some of the simplest ways to get on better with people.

Smile

A smile offers goodwill to the other person. A sincere smile can say more than a hundred words. It tells the other person you are happy to see them, and it is the best way to begin any conversation. A gloomy face, on the other hand, signals that you are not happy to be speaking with them. We can smile at everyone, not only the people we like. If we can smile even at those we count as enemies, we may be surprised by how much our dealings with them improve.

Appreciate good qualities

This is a powerful way to help any relationship. We tend to be drawn to the negative. When we appreciate the good qualities of others, we do two things. First, we make the other person feel better, which encourages and inspires them to bring more of those qualities forward. Sincere appreciation boosts their confidence, and they will value our kind words. Second, it helps us too. It is usually people’s mistakes and wrongdoings that stick in our minds. When we make the effort to notice their good points, we build a more positive picture of them, and we become more tolerant of their irritating habits.

Do not hold grudges

This is one of the most important factors, and perhaps the hardest. At some point in a relationship, something always happens that makes it difficult to forget and forgive. Letting go of grudges is essential for healthy relationships. If we cling to a long-standing grievance, we only make ourselves miserable.

Talk

When problems come up, it is important to talk in a positive way. If we keep up a frosty silence, we just brood on the problem, and the mind can easily blow it out of proportion. Avoid raising the issue in a confrontational way. It is better simply to start a normal conversation and find topics of shared interest. Sometimes sharing a joke or enjoying something together is enough for the problem to fade away on its own.

Give without keeping score

When we expect other people to behave in a certain way, we put avoidable strain on the relationship. The expectation may not be spoken, but we often quietly expect others to treat us a certain way. In any relationship, it helps to give freely: do the right thing without expecting a reward or anything in return. A relationship built on that principle is much stronger, and even when people let us down, we will not let it make us miserable.

Enlightenment is built a little each day, out of what you do and how you treat others.

Whatever you choose to change should come from you, fitted to your own hopes and your own situation. Life stays simple when you simply live it; it turns complicated when you make it so. Aim to live well on less.

Let life flow

Life moves on whether you welcome it or resist it, so throw yourself into each moment. Like a river, it keeps running until it reaches its end. It never stands still, and along its course you will meet change, setbacks and obstacles.

We were meant to live at an easy pace: eat modestly, rest, work, and share the world with animals, trees and the rest of nature. That is not how things turned out. What was simple has grown tangled. We pour energy into things of no real use, crave what we could easily do without, and then go hunting for enlightenment.

No grand feats needed

There is no need for heroic effort. Enlightenment is really just your own contentment, the quiet satisfaction you feel in whatever you do. Others help bring it about, but you are the one who matters most, through kind acts that express your thankfulness. Here is the path.

Find peace within

Perhaps your work, your home, your money, your partner or your children leave you dissatisfied, along with plenty else. That stirs up inner turmoil and keeps the calm you want out of reach. Turning things around is hard, so either work steadily to shape them as you wish or, often wiser still, make peace with them as they are. Look for calm inside yourself.

Relax and enjoy

The world can be frantic. Step back now and then and simply enjoy life. Go to the places you love and, better still, spend time with people and lend them a hand, so your visits become something they look forward to. Feeling loved is wonderful, and it comes when your thoughts turn towards others and you step out of your own shell. Put the self-centred “me” well behind you.

Show gratitude

Thankfulness matters more than anything else on this path. Offer it to everyone you meet, from the people who help in your home to the lad who delivers the paper to your own parents. It keeps you humble and lifts off the shallow airs we drag around and feel weighed down by.

Build self-confidence

Confidence is visible in your work, your talk, your outlook and your deeds, and greater confidence brings greater achievement. Knowing clearly what you want gives life direction and meaning, and gives you the strength and courage to pursue it while seeing things in a calmer, more reasoned light.

Most people love to be noticed, but few know how to accept a compliment gracefully.

Do you wave away praise with “it was nothing” or “no big deal” the moment it arrives? Plenty of people find praise awkward to receive. Here is a guide to receiving kind words with grace.

Think about how it feels

How do you feel when you compliment someone and they shrug it off? It may make you sad that they do not see their own worth, or even a little annoyed, as if they do not trust what you said. Either way, it does not feel good. That is exactly what you do to someone else when you brush off their praise. The last thing you want is to make the person sorry they complimented you. Gratitude is the only fitting way to acknowledge someone’s kind words.

Smile

It often happens without thinking, but the first thing to do when someone compliments you is to smile. It does not matter whether it is a shy little grin or a big beam, as long as the corners of your mouth turn up. A compliment tells someone they did well, and it is also meant to brighten their day.

Say thank you

Once you are smiling, stop yourself from playing down what you did or scolding yourself for not doing better, and simply say thank you. Those two words are enough to let the other person know you value their kindness. Make sure your response is sincere and honest, just like their compliment.

Accept a toast with grace

When someone raises a glass to you, the proper response is to nod and smile. Do not pick up your own glass and drink with everyone else; that is like patting yourself on the back. After the others have drunk, you are welcome to rise and propose a toast of your own.

Share the credit

If someone compliments you and your team, acknowledge it and say you will pass it on to the people who helped you do the work. That makes everyone feel good.

Believe it

This can be the hardest part, especially if you find praise difficult to accept. People praise you because they mean it, so give their words the same belief they do. You have probably seen talented people who amaze you even though they feel quite ordinary themselves. That may be how others see you as well. Your own opinion may not match theirs, but that does not make them wrong.

Being in the dark about tomorrow is exactly what holds us to today, the only place we can give ourselves completely.

Now and then most of us long for a preview of our lives. We wonder what blessings and difficulties the next months or years will hand us, whether a relationship will last, whether our plans will come good. Facing a choice, we wish we could see which path ends well, and some people chase answers from all sorts of sources in the hope of a peek ahead. The most anyone ever gets is a fleeting glimpse.

Why the whole story would be too much

We imagine we would welcome the full script of our lives. In reality, seeing everything in advance would almost certainly leave us drained and swamped.

Look back at the road you have already travelled. Chances are you have achieved more, and endured more, than you once thought possible. Had someone listed for you, as a child, every job and every relationship ahead, with all the highs and lows of each, it would have been crushing. Carrying all that knowledge around, you would have struggled to be present at all, and the present is the only place life ever really takes place.

What uncertainty gives us

Not knowing what comes next calls up the very strengths we need to grow. Reflect honestly on your past and you will find it hard to point to anything that ought to have been erased. Very often the toughest chapters, and the lessons they forced on us, turn out to have brought the richest rewards of all.

A boy went to his school principal and told her he would not be coming back to school any more.

“Why not?” she asked.

“I saw one teacher speaking badly about another,” he said. “There is a teacher who cannot read well. The staff are not good. Students look down on each other. So many things are wrong in this school.”

A simple task

“All right,” said the principal. “But before you go, do me one favour. Take a glass filled to the brim with water and walk around the school three times without spilling a single drop. After that, you may leave if you still want to.”

The boy thought this would be easy. He walked around the school three times, exactly as asked, and then reported back to her.

What he did not see

“As you walked around the school,” she asked, “did you see a teacher speaking badly about another teacher?”

“No,” said the boy.

“Did you see any students looking down on others?”

“No.”

“Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Because you were focused on the glass, making sure it did not tip and spill. Life is the same. When our attention is on our priorities, we do not have time to see other people’s mistakes.”

The lesson

Every place has its faults, and every person has their flaws. We can spend our energy cataloguing what others do wrong, or we can put it into carrying our own glass carefully. The second choice leaves us calmer, more productive and far less inclined to walk away. Concentrate on your own priorities, not on other people’s mistakes.

Take a moment to let your mind travel back to when you were small, playing outside among the leaves and trees without a care in the world. How much of that child is still with you today?

Our inner child never really leaves us. We simply forget about them as we grow older. It is worth tuning in to what that inner child is telling us, because they can help us a great deal on our inner journey.

Do not be afraid to love

Children do not build walls around themselves. They love freely, openly and honestly, with their whole hearts. As we grow up, we go through break-ups, heartache and betrayal, and we start shutting ourselves off from other people. However many times you have been hurt, keep loving others anyway. Unconditional love means loving people whatever they can give you, and whether or not they return your feelings, and children are the best examples of that selfless love. The next time you feel like closing yourself off, think about what your inner child would do. They would want you to keep love alive and give it another chance.

Keep things simple

Life was simple when you were a child. You let your imagination run free and did not worry about tomorrow or yesterday. Why should that change now that you are an adult? It need not. You can still live a fairly simple life by owning less, getting outdoors as much as you can and doing work you love. Your inner child longs for simplicity and wants you to uncomplicate your life so you can enjoy it fully.

Let go of your pain

Turning the page in your own story means releasing what is behind you. Learn from it, forgive everyone who hurt you and move on. When you clear out the negative weight of the past, you make room for good events and good people. You cannot finish your story if you stay stuck on the same page, so find the strength within you to accept your past as a valuable lesson and open your heart to the future.

Make time to play

Children spend most of their time playing, while adults spend most of theirs working. If you never set aside time to let loose and have fun, life soon becomes dull. Try to cut back on a few obligations so you can enjoy life while you have it. Contrary to what many believe, you were not put here just to pay bills and taxes. You deserve to enjoy life for all it is worth, so get outside and play hide and seek once in a while. It will do your heart good.

See beauty the way a child does

Children do not instinctively know what ugly means, because there is no ugliness in their hearts. They do not see it in themselves or in the world around them, because they arrive knowing only love and beauty. Stand before a mirror and remind yourself that you are beautiful; repeat it often enough and you will begin to believe it, and then to see it. Let your inner child show you the world through their eyes, free of prejudice, self-hate and negative labels.

Most of us know someone who always seems to see things from the darkest angle. You may not be able to say why, but whenever you are near them your mood shifts, and you might even feel an urge to get away. That is probably because you have met someone who is addicted to negativity. Some people simply cannot see the bright side, and it affects the people around them too.

They worry about trifles

People hooked on negativity tend to make a mountain out of a molehill. A cracked plate becomes a major drama. A couple of hours later, they will have swapped that drama for a new one. Instead of enjoying ordinary days, they brood about the future, which only makes them gloomier.

They overlook the good

It does not matter whether they have just had a great day at work, received a gift or heard some good news. They fix their attention only on what they dislike about their lives and completely miss the good moments they experience. Because they ignore the positives, they are hardly aware those positives exist. When they think things over, they reach a conclusion that fits their view of the world: that they are deeply unlucky, or that their lives are worth little.

They avoid risks

They care far too much about what others think of them. A single unkind remark can shake them badly. Because they build their view of themselves on other people’s opinions, they lack objectivity, which leaves them very insecure and dependent on others.

Handling them with patience

Their behaviour can be hard to cope with, and at times almost unbearable. We need a good deal of patience, and a real effort to understand why they act this way. More often than not, their behaviour comes from a string of bad experiences. What they need most is for someone to understand them.

Improving your family life can bring the people in it closer together and stop conflicts from getting in the way of everyone’s happiness. The good news is that there are plenty of practical steps you can take to make time with your family more enjoyable and more fulfilling.

Respect what each person has to say

Keeping communication open and respectful helps a family build trust and strengthens the bond between its members.

Hold back harsh criticism and judgement

Give one another permission to show feelings and to be silly without fear of being judged. When people expect to be criticised harshly, they tend to keep things to themselves and stop sharing how they feel.

Listen actively

Active listening means taking in what the other person says and showing them you are paying attention. Look at them, nod, and say things like “I understand” where it fits. Simply listen, instead of planning your reply, and hold back your advice or opinion until they have finished.

Show love and appreciation often

Small gestures of affection, spoken and unspoken, go a long way. As well as saying “I love you”, look for small, specific ways to show that you care about each other.

Make time for regular family activities

These can be simple: a bike ride, a walk, a game of cards or a board game. If you can, set aside at least one afternoon or evening each week for something you do together. Keep it relaxed and focus on enjoying one another’s company.

Kindness can be described as a way of acting out of compassion, and doing so selflessly. It is a frame of mind that puts concern for others ahead of one’s own interests. When we do something truly selfless, we may even go against what would serve us best.

Why it gets overlooked

Kindness is a value that is often brushed aside. Why is it so underrated? Partly because some people see kind people as enablers, and the cynical go further and call kindness a form of selfishness.

That cynical view rests on a belief that success only comes from trampling on others or ignoring them. Yet living that way seldom brings real happiness: the feeling of being loved, the sense that your life is fulfilling its purpose, and the knowledge that what you do truly matters.

Kindness and happiness go together

In fact, kindness is tied to happiness and contentment, both in the mind and at a deeper, inner level. Observations show that happy people tend to be kinder than unhappy ones.

A simple exercise points the same way. When people counted the number of kind things they did, their sense of happiness rose. Counting their acts of kindness also made happy people kinder still, and more grateful.

A fair caution

Being too nice certainly has its pitfalls. But practising kindness brings so many good feelings with it that it is well worth the effort.

Picture yourself holding a cup of coffee. Someone walks past, knocks into you or jogs your arm, and coffee goes everywhere. Why did it spill?

The obvious answer is that someone bumped into you. That is not quite right.

What was inside

Coffee spilled because the cup held coffee. Had it held tea, tea would have spilled. Whatever is inside the cup is exactly what comes out when it is shaken.

Life does the same thing to us. Sooner or later it will come along and shake us, and when it does, whatever we are carrying inside will pour out. Keeping up appearances is easy while things are calm. It is the jolt that shows what is really there.

A question worth asking

So each of us has to ask: what is in my cup? When life gets hard, what spills over? Is it joy, gratitude, peace and humility? Or is it anger, bitterness, harsh words and harsh actions?

That part is up to us.

Filling the cup

Today is a good day to start filling our cups with the things we would be glad to see spill: gratitude, forgiveness, joy, kind and encouraging words for ourselves and others, gentleness and love. Then, when the next bump comes, that is what the people around us will receive.