Tag: Parents

No matter how carefully you try to steer around them, hard experiences will come. Nobody escapes them. So it helps to have a few simple steps ready for the moments that feel darkest. Here are three.

Remind yourself that this will pass

Name what is happening, then tell yourself plainly that it will not last. Every feeling, even the most painful, is temporary. Situations do change, and they can improve, especially when you reach out for the right kind of help.

Do not take every thought as true

Almost anything can pop into the mind at any time. You do not have to believe all of it. It is possible to take a small step back and see your thoughts for what they really are: passing thoughts that arrive and then leave.

Turn your attention to what is good

Point your attention at things that are likely to lift you and remind you why life is worth living. There is plenty close at hand that you can feel, touch, hear or smell. Notice those things and stay with what is happening in the present moment.

Remember the order: this will pass, a thought is only a thought, and there is still good around you worth noticing.

Feeling stuck in a rut? You can become more adventurous simply by moving towards things that are new and a little challenging. Adventure is waiting just outside your door. All it asks is that you be more open to trying something different and living with a sense of purpose. These ideas will help you begin.

Believe adventure is everywhere

If you believe adventures can be found anywhere, you will find them. That belief trains your mind to look for new and interesting experiences and makes you notice the exciting things already happening around you, so you can make the most of them. If you do not believe it, your mind stops searching, you stop seeing them, and the adventures in your life dwindle.

Let go of what holds you back

Inhibitions are the feelings that make you self-conscious and stop you from acting in a relaxed and natural way. You may be shy, inexperienced or afraid. To let go of what is holding you back, you need to feel safe with yourself, with your surroundings and with the people around you.

Say yes

We have all turned down something and later wished we had joined in. So skip the regret and say yes. If fear or inertia is holding you back, set them aside. Becoming more adventurous means being willing to give new opportunities a chance.

Try new things

New foods, new looks, new places and even new people bring the kind of excitement that makes life more enjoyable. If you are tense or hesitant about change, loosen up and let yourself go a little. Try wearing something completely out of character, as long as it still suits you.

Face your fear

If you have not been adventurous so far, fear has probably been holding you back. Naming your fears might be easy, or it might take some honest reflection. Feelings, thoughts, wishes and daydreams cannot be seen, yet they are very real. Face them and you will find a new version of yourself emerging.

Value experiences over possessions

Ask most people what adventure means and they picture white water rafting, travel or mountain climbing. Notice what these have in common: they are all things you do. Adventure is about doing, not owning. You are unlikely to buy anything that brings you many adventures.

Spend time with adventurous people

Some people seem born ready to try new things. Let their enthusiasm rub off on you. It will help you become more carefree, and it is reassuring to have someone around to help and encourage you along the way. Joining a club or a group built around a shared interest is a good way to meet new people and find new experiences.

Host friends, but not too often

Having friends over gives you time to relax and enjoy their company. It also gives you a reason to keep the house tidy, since people will be visiting more often. While you are tidying, it is a good moment to sort out that cupboard where everything gets stuffed. Keep the gatherings to a pace that still feels comfortable for you.

Get outside

Adventure does not have to mean climbing mountains or skydiving. It can be as simple as a walk in the fresh air. Time outdoors lowers stress and lifts the mood, which in turn frees the mind to focus. There is no shame in starting close to home. Go with a fresh frame of mind and you will discover something new.

Imagine a world where everyone thought exactly as you do and fell in line with every wish and feeling you had. Life does not work that way, which is why it pays to become skilled at negotiation. The good news is that it can be learned. Done well, it lets you help others get what they want while you still reach your own goals.

In most negotiations neither side starts with an advantage. Keep these points in mind and you will be well on your way to a good result.

Listen properly

It sounds simple, which is why it is surprising how many people get it wrong. Hearing the words is not enough. Good negotiators put themselves in the other person’s position and work out what that person really wants, so the two of them can meet in the middle. Listening closes the gap and makes the other side feel respected.

Say you are asking your boss for a raise. Ask specifically what you could do differently to make their working life easier. If you then show you can deliver, you will be in a far stronger position to ask for more pay.

Make sure both sides leave happy

What is the point of a negotiation that benefits only one party? Both sides are at the table because both want to win. Reach an outcome where everyone gains and you will do better in future too, because people will be readier to deal with someone they know is fair.

Picture a child who wants chocolate after school before finishing homework. You want the homework done, and the child wants chocolate. Agree that the chocolate comes once the homework is finished, and both of you win. The child still gets the treat, and you get the homework done without raising your voice.

Look for common ground

Focus on what you and the other person share, not on where you differ. Negotiation can involve disagreement without being stressful. Suppose you want a lower price for an old board game at a garage sale. A good approach is to chat with the seller and ask which game is their favourite. Once you have built a connection over a shared love of board games, a discount becomes much more likely.

Part as friends

Sometimes no agreement is possible. When that happens, agree to part on good terms. Whatever the circumstances, never burn your bridges.

When something unexpected happens, there are two ways to respond. You can blame the circumstances, or you can think and act proactively. The proactive route means leaning on your own choices instead of hoping luck will rescue you.

Being proactive means thinking ahead and acting before events overtake you. It starts with taking action, owning your responsibilities and staying in charge of how you respond. Here are some ways to build the habit.

Keep your eyes on the solution

A problem becomes almost impossible to solve if it easily knocks you down and leaves you dwelling on every bad thing it might lead to. Stop blaming yourself and stop blaming others. Look instead for the ways it can be fixed. Fretting over what you cannot control only drags you further down. Deal with what you can, and deal with it well.

Remember it is all on you

Nobody else will carry you to where you want to be. Family and friends are there to support you, and that is their role. They cannot succeed on your behalf. That part is yours alone. Own your problems, and accept that nobody else will fix them for you.

Get ahead of the small, less urgent jobs

Handle routine day to day tasks as they come instead of putting them off. You will carry less stress, and those small jobs will not grow into big problems. A little effort early can spare you a much larger crisis later. Give special attention to preventive upkeep, such as checking your car’s oil and coolant, restocking the kitchen or putting a little money into savings every week.

Set goals you can actually reach

There is nothing wrong with dreaming, but a dream you take no steps towards is just a wish. Life is short, and dreaming without doing wastes it. Want something? Go after it. Break the dream into smaller goals that lead to it, like the pieces of a puzzle, and keep each piece small and achievable. Realistic goals build confidence and keep you motivated.

Join in

Proactive people do not sit on the sidelines or simply listen to what others suggest. They take part. Offer your ideas in meetings at work, or come up with your own plans for what the family does together.

Living with intention can make life feel far more fulfilling and meaningful. It works best when you lay a proper foundation first: understand the world around you, weigh your options using what you know, then act on your decisions and keep walking the path you chose. These steps help you get there.

Notice that life is a series of choices

Each morning arrives full of decisions and openings. You get to choose your attitude and your actions. Whatever happened in your past does not have to set the pattern for your future. Every new day is a fresh chance.

Start the day with gratitude

It sounds ordinary, but it shapes the whole day. However hectic things look, there is always something to be thankful for, and beginning from that place changes how the hours that follow feel.

Look at the culture around you

Nobody lives in isolation. We are surrounded by a culture that is heading somewhere, and it pulls us along like a fast current. Living intentionally means stepping back to study that current: where it is going, how it is affecting you, and whether it is carrying you in a direction you actually want.

Picture your ideal day

Suppose you could design a perfect day, from the moment you wake to the moment you sleep. What would it hold? You are allowed to dream big. Begin by asking what you want, not what other people want for you.

Build small daily habits

To turn that ideal day into a real one, add small actions that reflect your values. It might be ten minutes of meditation first thing, or a few minutes writing down your goals. Steady, repeated action is what gets results.

Make room for learning

Be deliberate about improving your skills, because we are either growing or standing still. This is not about filling your head with trivia you do not care about. Commit to learning something new in your own profession or in a subject you love.

Choose to live your own life

Stop measuring yourself against others. You were not born to live their lives, and envying theirs wastes your own. Decide today to live yours well. You only get one go at it.

Know your priorities

As you shift towards living with intention, fear and self-doubt will show up. That is normal, and it suggests you are on the right track. Treat the resistance as a sign to keep going. Make sure your actions match your values and goals, and ask what you can do today to move closer to the day you designed.

Stay focused

We live surrounded by constant connection and distraction, all of it competing for our attention. Learn to switch it off and live instead. Turn off the television, skip the gossip pages, and clear out physical things that drain time and energy you could spend more wisely. Then put all your energy behind your aim.

Once upon a time, the most peace-loving people on Earth went to a mighty wizard and begged him to put an end to every war and every act of bloodshed on the planet.

“That is easy,” he said. “I will wipe out every weapon in the world, and then no one will be able to fight.” The people were delighted. With one sweep of his magic wand, it was done.

For three days the planet was peaceful. Those who liked to fight searched everywhere for weapons and found none. Once they realised the weapons were gone for good, they sharpened young trees into spears and the fighting began again.

When the wizard heard, he told the people not to worry. He would remove all the young trees so nobody could make spears. After a few days of fruitless searching, the fighters turned to the great trees instead, cut them down, fashioned clubs from them, and the violence returned. So the wizard got rid of all the big trees. Then people forged knives and swords from metal, so he got rid of every metal on the planet. Then they made slings and hurled stones at each other, so the stones had to go as well.

Now the peacekeepers grew anxious. The trees were gone, and so were the metals and the stones. How would anyone live? What would they eat? Soon nothing would grow, and people would perish without a single battle. This was clearly the wrong answer.

The wizard was at a loss. “I do not know what else to do,” he admitted. “The only remaining step would be to destroy humanity itself, and even that is beyond my power.” The peacekeepers sank into despair.

Then a bright child stepped forward. “I know what you should do,” the child said. “Let every person feel what their actions do to others. Whoever hurts someone should feel that same pain, and whoever brings someone happiness should feel that same happiness. Then nobody will hurt anyone, because they will feel the pain at once and will have to stop.”

Everyone was moved by the child’s wisdom, and the wizard did exactly as suggested. He brought back the trees, the stones and the metals. From that day on, no one tried to harm a neighbour, because they would share the hurt. Instead, people began helping each other, because they enjoyed the joy it brought them, and they lived together in harmony.

The lesson

No wizard will ever arrange this for us. But the child was pointing at something already true in a quieter way: the pain we cause others tends to find its way back to us, and the happiness we give comes back too. Living as if we could feel both is the surest path to peace.

Most of us know that relaxed people find it easier to be creative than people who are wound up. Can you wave stress away for good? Probably not. But being stressed is the last thing anyone wants, given all the harm it does, so the next time you feel the pressure building, try one of these enjoyable ways to beat it, or at least bring it down.

Head outdoors

When tension rises, take a stroll through a park or along a beach, or cycle through some woods. Even just gazing at a lovely picture of nature can work. Your spirits will start to rise, and you may find a calm you did not have before.

Laugh, even on purpose

Laughter eases stress in the moment and over time too, because it lowers stress hormones and brightens the way you see things. Even looking forward to a laugh helps you unwind. Watch a funny clip or go to a comedy show. You can even make yourself laugh deliberately. It feels odd to begin with, but before long the laughter turns real.

Spend time with an animal

Pets are good for us in many ways. Stroking an animal for only a few minutes can lower stress, and the unconditional affection pets offer is a tonic in itself. Take a dog for a walk if you can, since dogs have been bred to respond to human feelings and walking itself helps you relax. No animal nearby? Even a video of a sweet animal can help.

Share some jokes

Get together with friends who make you laugh. Laughter loosens tight nerves and lets the moment pass. You will still have to deal with the problem eventually, but some humour can relieve the pressure now so that you handle it more sensibly later.

Let your inner child out

Children seem less stressed than adults. Partly that is because they carry fewer responsibilities, but it is also because they play. Giving yourself playtime as a grown-up is easy. Play tag, fly a kite, build with toy bricks or try finger painting. Keep a box of fun toys from your childhood and see how much tension it melts away.

Disappear into a book

One of the kindest things you can do for yourself under stress is to slip into a world where your worries do not exist. A good book, perhaps a fantasy novel, can carry you off to somewhere else entirely.

Play a favourite song

Listening to music releases dopamine in the brain. Choose a song from a calmer time in your life and let it lift you.

Look through old photographs

Few things are as comforting as revisiting happy memories. Childhood is often the sweetest season of our lives, so browse pictures from your early years or from the moments that shaped who you are. You will probably laugh a little, and a few happy tears may follow.

Life keeps tossing new demands our way, and holding on to our drive through all of it is not easy. It does become easier, though, once you can recognise the mistakes that people most often make. Here are three of them.

Waiting to feel like it

It is rarely wise to lean on motivation alone to get things done, because it comes and goes without warning. If you only act when the mood strikes, you can spend years waiting for a spark that never arrives. Starting anyway, even without the feeling, is usually what brings the feeling along.

Planning instead of doing

You may have come across the phrase “analysis paralysis”. It describes what happens when someone gets so caught up in planning a goal that they never start working on it. The sad truth is that endless analysis smothers motivation and keeps people from ever reaching the goals they spent so long preparing for.

Aiming at the impossible

One of the most important parts of keeping yourself motivated is setting goals you can realistically reach, and many people skip this step. A goal that is clear and simply stated shows you a more direct route to success, and it helps your motivation last over the long haul rather than burning out early.

Some people are fortunate enough to have a friend who speaks up for them when they are not there to speak for themselves. Such a friend often understands you better than you understand yourself. If you have one, here are some of the things worth thanking them for.

Their loyalty

Thank them for making it plain to everyone that your friendship is genuine and not a performance for social media. Thank them for never letting strangers, or people who hardly know you, come between the two of you, or even get the chance to try.

Being your voice

Thank them for saying the things you would have said, and for saying them better than you would have. Thank them for speaking out when keeping quiet would have been easier. Thank them for not letting the fact that you were absent change the way they think of you.

Their care

Thank them for being gentle with you when others are harsh. Thank them for promising that they will stand by you no matter who tries to pull you down. Thank them for showing the world that they will never betray you behind your back, and that they will not let anyone treat you with disrespect. Thank them, too, for seeing the good in you on the days when you cannot see it yourself.

Simply being there

Finally, thank them for choosing to remain in your life, and for never being casual or indifferent when it comes to you or to the friendship you share. A friend like that is worth holding on to, and worth becoming in return.

Social capital is the web of relationships that links people, groups and organisations. The term turns up in several fields, including economics, sociology and anthropology, and each uses it a little differently. At heart, though, the idea is always the same: people form ties with one another, and those ties can then be put to many different uses. Looking closely at those ties is one way of understanding how a society actually works.

The many shapes it takes

Social capital comes in many forms. Neighbours living on the same street, people employed by the same company and circles of friends all have their own networks of relationships. Beyond the personal and emotional satisfaction these bonds bring, they also offer practical benefits. People inside a network tend to lean on each other when they need a service, and someone who has no direct link to a particular service can often reach one through the people they know.

How we use it every day

Most of us draw on social capital daily without giving it a name. If your tooth aches and you ask a friend to suggest a good dentist, you are using it. If you are hunting for a job and ask an acquaintance to recommend you, you are using your network of connections to reach a goal.

The economic side

Economists also use the term for the links between people and organisations that carry economic value. A network of people who trust and help one another is a strong asset. When individuals and businesses are connected in this way, each one comes to mind when the other has a job to be done. Alongside money and other economic capital, social capital is an important engine of economic growth.