Tag: Parents

Most of us do not warm to people who show off. We assume they are arrogant, and sometimes their display reminds us of how little we have achieved ourselves.

From the outside, show-offs seem happy. They appear to own plenty of what others want, and sometimes they seem superior. What most people do not realise is that the picture on the inside is often very different. Sometimes showing off simply brings a good result: people respond when someone behaves a certain way, so the behaviour continues. Often, though, there are deeper reasons.

They feel unseen

Many people who show off believe they have not been given the attention they deserve. The display is a way of sending one clear message: notice me.

They depend on other people’s opinions

For some people, what others think matters little and does not change how happy they feel. For those who show off, it is the reverse. Other people’s opinion is the most important thing of all, and if they fail to win approval, they can feel truly miserable.

They feel underestimated

Some believe that the people around them are selling them short. So they put their best qualities on display, working hard to prove that they are worth something.

Understanding this does not make showing off pleasant. It may make it easier to meet with patience instead of irritation.

Talking about your feelings does not suit everyone, and more and more people are turning to writing instead. Writing helps us make sense of what happens in our lives and can reach right down to the root of what hurts, which can bring a real sense of release. This kind of expressive writing simply means pouring your heart and mind onto the page without worrying about spelling, punctuation, grammar or any other rule. It can be good medicine.

Whether you write by hand or type, putting stressful experiences and emotionally loaded matters into words can help both body and mind. Research in recent years has linked it with easing the symptoms of several long-term physical conditions, and with relief from anxiety, low mood and the after-effects of painful events. Here is how writing can start a deep process of healing.

It lets you be real

The page gives you a place to express yourself freely, without holding back or feeling afraid. You no longer have to pretend to be something you are not. Writing opens both mind and heart, and lets healing begin.

It helps you face the pain

Pain that is never dealt with can trap you in a loop, precisely because it hurts too much to look at. Writing gives an outlet for the hard events that turn life upside down. Thoughts, feelings and emotions often flow more easily on paper than in speech.

It clears your head

Putting things on paper sweeps the clutter from your mind. Feelings and thoughts can churn together in private. Writing helps you work through it while keeping negative thinking in check. Grief, frightening experiences or sudden bad news can push a person into isolation, which does not help. Writing is one way back out.

Before you begin

Write for at least twenty minutes a day on four days in a row. Choose a subject that is deeply personal and important to you. Keep going and do not worry about punctuation, spelling or grammar; if words dry up, draw a line or go over earlier sentences again, but keep the pen moving. Write only for yourself. You may destroy or hide what you write, and it should not become a letter to anyone. Finally, if writing about one particular event feels too much to bear, stop. If that happens, talking to a trusted person or a professional is the better next step.

Struggling to fall asleep? Tossing and turning, then waking up cranky, is never pleasant, so it is worth facing facts. You may be losing sleep because of one of these unhelpful habits before bed. Here are the sleep-stealing mistakes to avoid.

Caffeine

Coffee can be a lifeline in the morning, since few of us are natural early risers and nobody wants to feel slow and half awake. But if you work long hours and lean on caffeine all through the day, your sleep will suffer badly, however tired you feel at night.

Eating late

Studies show that going to bed soon after a meal usually leads to a restless night, with discomfort such as heartburn being all too common. Try to finish eating at least two hours before you plan to sleep, and steer clear of foods that are high in sugar and acid.

Checking your phone

Nearly everyone carries a smartphone now, and most of us feel we cannot do without it, since so much of our social and working life runs through it. Phones are also habit forming, and they can cut into our sleep.

Video games

Most of us know that watching television or scrolling on a phone in bed gets in the way of good sleep. Video games are another screen habit to add to your list of things to stop before bedtime.

Usually somewhere between the ages of nine and twelve, the cuddly little child who once climbed into your lap and shared every secret suddenly wants little or nothing to do with you. It hurts. These ideas can help you keep communication open with your pre-teen and make the move into the teenage years smoother for both of you.

Keep the door open

Do not interrogate; just show interest. Share a few small stories from your own day and ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the outing? How was your day? Another good line is: “You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that is like. But if you want to talk about it later, come to me.”

Do not take it as rejection

It is normal for children of this age to start turning away from their parents and leaning more on friends. Yet parents often read this withdrawal as rejection. All too often they take the growing distance personally and mistake it for deliberate refusal or defiance.

Try the indirect approach

In earlier years, straight questions worked. How was school? How did the test go? Now, firing a volley of questions about school and their day does not work. It suddenly feels overwhelming and intrusive, and it will backfire. Simply sit down and listen, and the information will come.

Support them

Stand by them, whatever happens. This is the age when they need you most, and it is your responsibility to look after them without conditions.

Take a back seat

The teenage years are when the main influence on a child shifts from parents to friends. It is a rather discouraging fact for parents that much research shows the peer group has far more influence than parents in shaping behaviour and personality. During these years, parents must learn for the first time to take a back seat.

Do not feel bad

Of course you should be there for your children, especially if you are one of those rare adults who can listen to what is said, and what is left unsaid, with sensitivity and understanding, and then respond in a way that lets a teenager take your advice without feeling humiliated. Do not feel bad about their behaviour. Simply accept the situation.

Things to keep in mind

Be a good friend to your child. Give them responsibility. Stop feeling helpless. Do not try to own them; include them. And do something about yourself as well.

Quiet people are at last receiving the regard they deserve, as people become more accommodating of quieter ways. Yet the more the truth about introverts is accepted, the more assumptions seem to pile up about extroverts. Researchers say several common beliefs about them are simply wrong. Much of what looks like overconfidence actually comes from the way extroverts process information.

They always want to make plans and go out

Extroverts are quite at home in busy, stimulating places. That does not mean they constantly need a social calendar. They are not hungry for attention; they simply handle it more easily than introverts do. Extroverts enjoy time alone too. They are just less attached to it.

They are not just talking, they are thinking out loud

Extroverts do tend to talk more, but that is because talking is how they work through certain information. They often arrive at an answer by talking a situation over, while their more introverted friends look inward to think it through. So when it seems that an extrovert is going on and on, what you are usually watching is a person working out a situation, a decision or a problem.

They are poor listeners

Because extroverts are so chatty, some people assume they must be bad at listening. That could hardly be further from the truth. For the most part, extroverts want to hear your opinion, because that is how they learn, and it is often why they started the conversation with you in the first place. They are also always ready to pick the conversation back up to save everyone from awkward silences.

Nobody enjoys being around an arrogant person, because arrogance repels people. Several other traits work the same way, and many of us carry one or two of them without noticing. Here is a reality check on the traits that may be making you less liked than you realise.

We all have bad days, and most of us slip into a negative trait now and then, however good we are at heart. But if you find yourself showing any of these every day, it may be time to seek help before they start harming your relationships at home and at work.

Moodiness

Some people are so changeable that others hardly dare approach them, never knowing which side they will meet. Cheerful one day, gloomy and miserable the next, often for no clear reason, they are uncomfortable company. They can be set off by the smallest thing. Try to stay calm with others, whatever the situation.

Meanness

Nobody wants to be around people who are always angry at everything around them. If you have ever worked with a mean person, you will know the knot in your stomach before you walk in each morning. One bad seed is enough to spoil a whole environment. Mean people will always exist, so counter them by being as kind as you can to everyone around you.

Arrogance

A superior attitude gets you nowhere. Showing the world that you think you are better than everyone else only reveals how short-sighted and narrow-minded you are. The smartest and most successful people got where they are because they know there is always someone better, and they keep working to improve. Stay humble and keep looking for ways to grow.

Rudeness

Rudeness is a weak person’s imitation of strength. Rude people have no filter and pay little attention to social norms. They ignore other people’s feelings and act as if the world exists only for them. They push others away and often end up deeply lonely. Who knows what friendships might grow if you open up to people instead of shutting them out. Politeness almost always leads to bigger and better things.

Unreliability

Not offering help is one thing. Offering it and then failing to follow through is quite another. Friends and colleagues who say they will do something and then keep putting it off until the last minute, if they do it at all, show that they cannot be trusted. When you promise someone help, completing it should come before anything else. Showing that you can be counted on is one of the most important traits for building any relationship.

Controlling behaviour

Controlling people do not trust others to know how to live their lives or do their jobs. Overbearing parents, bosses and spouses leave those around them feeling unworthy and less willing to try harder. Such people frequently turn harsh and overbearing, and those close to them feel they are always walking on eggshells for fear of setting them off. Giving people the freedom to do things their own way leads to much better relationships all round.

Dishonesty

Dishonest people try to wriggle out of trouble rather than own up to the truth and their errors. Liars cannot be trusted, and if they keep living a lie, they will lose friends and relationships.

A few more to watch for

Judging others too quickly; pull back and try to understand why someone is the way they are. Foul language; the dictionary holds plenty of good words, so use them. Lack of motivation; find something you care about and pursue it. Fakeness; worry less about the image you project and more about who you really are. Boasting; leave your achievements for others to measure.

When you use conversation in a meaningful way, it can bring real results. Yet most people hold a few mistaken beliefs about it. Here are four common ones.

Conversation is only small talk

Chatting about the weather or about coffee is part of conversation, but that is not all conversation is. A good conversation spends as much time as it can on meaningful and truly engaging subjects.

Small talk is pointless

Small talk is still part of conversation. The fact that it deals with everyday topics does not make it worthless. It is often the doorway into deeper talk.

Conversation means being fake

Some people certainly do put on an act when they talk, pretending to like things they do not and trying to be someone they are not, just to please whoever they are talking to. Not everyone is like that, because a real conversation is not an exercise in pleasing people.

Most people are too dull to talk to

To find people who are good at talking, you will have to get through some who are not good at it at all. And very often, the same person who seemed dim and dull turns out to be quite intelligent once you get the chance to know them properly. Not everyone who falls short of your first expectations is foolish or not worth your time.

You are already good enough to be a world-class human being without pretending to be someone else. So accept your own qualities and offer them freely to others. Here are a few rules that people of real character live by.

Always do the right thing

People of this kind see no reason to lie or to stretch the truth. Truth needs no memory; a lie needs a good one. Most people lie out of insecurity or fear, and then must keep checking that every later word supports the first falsehood. One lie keeps feeding the next.

Live by your standards, principles and values

Such people do not let their standards slip to suit their surroundings. It is easier to bend, or to wear a mask, simply to dodge confrontation. Over time, though, people will respect you for standing by your values, even when those values differ from theirs. Remember that most people make decisions from their emotions, their feelings or their fears. People of character base everything on their values and principles.

Value your word above all else

Simply by doing what you say you will do, you are already ahead of most people in a society that does not value its word. Be dependable, and trust, respect and goodwill follow on their own. You will also reach more of your own goals, because you no longer accept excuses or easy ways out.

Be authentic

People of character do not try to be someone or something they are not. Sadly, authenticity grows rarer by the day. The good side of that is that real authenticity now shines like a beacon in the night. So always be your own unique self instead of trying to live up to what others expect of you.

All of us overthink at times. Too much of it, though, is bad for our health. Here are four ways to quiet a mind that will not stop turning things over.

Spend time alone with your thoughts

Overthinking tends to flare up when outside drama and other people’s noise crowd in on us. Once our own thoughts are mixed in with everyone else’s opinions, it becomes hard to tell where ours stop and theirs start. Time on your own lets you hear what you actually think.

Stop chasing approval

Very often it is the hunger for approval that is quietly damaging our lives. We turn over and over what it will take to belong, to win affection and to be accepted. Wanting everyone to like us makes us miss new opportunities, shy away from risks and avoid new connections, all out of fear of being judged.

Change the way you talk to yourself

Start noticing the messages you give yourself, because self-talk sits at the root of all overthinking. We keep justifying what we do, playing down what we achieve and explaining away our own hard work. Doing that belittles both the value of our work and our sense of self-worth.

Think bigger

At first it may seem that thinking bigger would only make overthinking worse. In fact the opposite is true. Thinking big keeps your attention on big things, and when your mind is busy with what really matters, there is no room left for petty irritations to creep in and take over.

At home and at work there are times when requests pile up and we would much rather say no. Many of us believe that refusing will hurt or anger the other person and end the friendship, or even cost us the job. It rarely does. More often it does the opposite. So stop feeling bound to say yes when you mean no, and try these simple steps.

Open warmly

Begin with something like, “You are a really good friend and I truly value working with you.” Starting on a positive note shows that you care about the relationship.

Decline plainly

Then say, “But I have thought it over and decided that I cannot help.” There is no need to explain in detail why you will not lend money or work at weekends. Avoid any reason that invites an argument, such as “I have too much on my plate right now, so I would not be able to do what you ask.” That only opens a debate.

Show you understand

Add, “I know you will be disappointed.” Empathy shows that you are aware of the other person’s feelings, and it matters a great deal.

End on a positive note

Close with something like, “I hope you understand, because your friendship matters to me,” or “This way I can focus on my work, which will be better for all of us.” Finish on an upbeat note that points to the benefit for both of you.