Tag: Parents

Learning to manage your emotions helps you change how you feel and how you cope with what life throws at you. Emotions, thoughts and the urges we act on are all linked. Left unmanaged, they can lead us towards self-sabotage and self-harm.

When we practise managing our emotions, our thoughts, outlook and mood clearly improve. Living more positively also brings big benefits, such as more compassion, more empathy and better relationships with others.

A simple five-step check

One well-known technique for handling emotions uses the letters STOPP. If you are struggling to keep your feelings in hand, it is a reliable way to manage them better.

S: Stop

Pause the moment you feel an emotion running away with you. Stop, and step back, out of the room or out of the situation if you can.

T: Take a breath

Notice your breathing as air comes in and goes out. Breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth.

O: Observe your thoughts and feelings

What thoughts are passing through your mind right now? Where is your attention? What exactly are you reacting to?

P: Pull back for perspective

Look at the bigger picture, as though from high above. Is there another way to see this? How much does it really matter? How much will it matter six months from now?

P: Practise what works, then proceed

What is the best thing to do right now? What would help most, for you, for the others involved and for the situation? What can you do that fits your values?

Bad experiences can leave us feeling hopeless and low. Everyone meets hard times at some point, but with the right attitude and steady effort they can be overcome.

Adversity is more than a single difficulty or setback. It is a run of misfortunes that keeps you from your goals and from feeling content. It may come from unfairness in the world around you or from a personal loss. Here are some ways to work through it.

Sort and rank your problems

In difficult times it is easy to get pulled off course by small setbacks and disappointments. These can quickly pile up until they feel overwhelming. Learn to tell the difference between minor letdowns and real obstacles to your goals.

Look for the positive

To get past adversity, keep your attention on what is good, whether that is the better parts of your present situation or the good feeling you will have once you reach what you are aiming for.

Treat mistakes as lessons

Do not see your mistakes as failures. Recognise and admit when you have got something wrong, then work out what the situation taught you and what you will do differently next time.

Face forward

Learn what you can from the past, then turn quickly to using those lessons for what lies ahead. The past cannot be changed, so dwelling on it only feeds hopelessness. The future, on the other hand, is full of possibility.

Accept that hard times come to everyone

Some people meet more trouble than others, but nobody escapes setbacks and difficult stretches. Once you accept adversity as an ordinary part of life, you waste less time feeling stuck and helpless.

Keep a second plan

Look for more than one answer to each problem and have a fallback ready. Options keep hope alive and give you other routes forward if your first attempt does not work.

Set goals you can reach

Choose sensible goals and break them into smaller steps you can complete one after another. That keeps you motivated and cuts down frustration. Each small win lifts your confidence as you move towards the bigger aim.

Everyday life can be frustrating. Often the best way to handle a bad day is simply to let it go. That is easier said than done, so try a gentle distraction instead.

Do something that soothes you

Choose something that makes you happy or quietens your mind. Settle down with a book once the day is done, or take a slow walk among trees. You might sip a cup of herbal tea and feel better for the rest of the evening.

Reach for company

If solitude does not lift you, step out with a friend or someone close to you and let the conversation take your mind off things.

Break the routine

After a day spent sulking, a distraction can be a real blessing. Step away from your usual routine for a while. A change of scene or activity gives your mind room to settle, and tomorrow looks different from a calmer place.

Quiet sitting can wash away the stress of the day and leave you with a sense of inner calm. It does good for body, mind and spirit alike. It relaxes the body and eases tension, lowers stress and settles the mind, bringing calm and peace. Here is how you can practise it whenever you need to.

Start with your breath

A good way to bring a wandering mind back is to focus on your breathing. You can learn structured breathing exercises from a good teacher, but the simplest form is just this: stop, and breathe. Slow, deep breaths help calm an anxious mind. You may find you become more focused and clear, and get through your work faster than before.

Watch your thoughts

The mind is always full of thoughts, and clinging to negative ones brings suffering. Remember that thinking something does not make it true. However high or low you feel, that rollercoaster of emotion is not you; you are far more than that. When feelings threaten to overwhelm you, pause and return to breathing.

Stay in the present

The more present and aware you are, the less you suffer. One way to train this is to change small routines. Brush your teeth with your other hand. Take a different route to work. Swap your knife and fork. When you catch yourself fretting over the past or worrying about the future, stop, breathe and return to the present. Remember that this, too, will pass.

Value yourself

Do not look to others for approval. Everything you need is already inside you. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and give yourself all the kindness you need. If that feels hard, treat yourself as you would treat your dearest friend.

Be patient

Worrying about a problem without working on a solution will not solve it. Healing takes time too. Old patterns are slow to fade, because we live by habit. Give body and mind time to settle into anything new. When it feels as though you have slipped backwards, simply breathe and reconnect with yourself. Steady practice will keep you on track.

The past is not healed by dwelling on it. It is healed by living fully in the present.

Privacy and secrecy can look alike, but they are not the same thing.

What privacy is

Privacy is simply the state of being unobserved; changing your clothes is a simple example. Private matters are the traits, truths, beliefs and ideas about ourselves that we choose to keep to ourselves. They might include our daydreams, our feelings about how the world works, or our spiritual beliefs. When private matters are revealed, by accident or by choice, the other person learns a little more about the one who shared them.

What secrecy is

Secrecy is the act of keeping things hidden. What is secret goes beyond private into concealed. Secrecy overlaps with privacy, but not all privacy is secrecy. Secrecy comes from deliberately hiding something out of fear. Secrets are made of information that could do harm to someone else, emotionally, physically or financially. The person keeping the secret believes that if it came out, whether by accident or on purpose, it could hurt them and the people around them. A secret often carries an element of shame that a private matter does not.

Why the difference matters

People keep things private for many different reasons. A secret, though, is usually kept because of fear and shame about what others would think if they knew. We keep it hidden because we believe the cost of telling is too high. Privacy is a free choice; secrecy is not. A private matter might be, “I did badly in my school exams.” A secret is more like, “I faked my qualifications.”

Guarding your privacy is healthy. Carrying a secret is a burden worth looking at honestly.

Everyone is different, and everyone thinks and behaves differently. Even so, people can be loosely grouped by the way they think.

The word “mind” covers everything that goes on in our heads: thought, awareness, perception, beliefs, desires and sensations. It is where conscious, unconscious and practical processes take place, and it shows itself in our ideas, our actions and all the other signs of brain activity. These processes have structure, but that does not make them fixed. Almost everything in the brain can change. Based on how these processes tend to run, some thinkers describe three kinds of mind: rigid, fluid and flexible. Each has its own traits.

Rigid minds

Upbringing and education shape the mind more than anything else, so it is common for rigid thinkers to have been raised by rigid parents. Rigidity is at heart a form of self-protection. Fixed ideas give a sense of control and shield a person from uncertainty. People with this trait do well in work and activities that call for discipline. On the other hand, rigid thinkers can be a little shallow. They seldom stop to question whether an idea or an action really holds up. They expect everything to happen in an orderly, set way. That makes creativity very hard for them, and they tend to repeat themselves.

Fluid minds

Fluid minds are the opposite. They struggle to stay consistent, so they simply adapt to whatever is going on around them, taking the shape of whatever container they are in. This is typical of people who have given up any sense of control over their circumstances, or who feel they need someone to steer them. They find it hard to make decisions and harder still to take a stand. Not knowing what to think, they hand the job to others who seem to have the certainty they lack.

Flexible minds

Flexible minds adapt too, but not by passively accepting whatever happens. Their adapting is thoughtful and creative. They know how to find their place in reality without forcing their will on others, and without meekly giving in to others either. They are open to discussion, which means they can change their opinions and adjust their ideas. In a way, it is a humble mind. It does not believe it owns the truth, yet it does not give way to nonsense or error, because it has its own standards.

Worth remembering

Nobody has purely one kind of mind. We all carry a little of each, though one usually dominates. Nor is any of them simply a “bad” mind or a “good” one. Knowing the basics simply helps you understand yourself and others a little better.

You have some free time and want to put it to good use, instead of lounging about or scrolling on your phone. Now and then our busy lives ease up and hand us a few extra hours. There are plenty of ways to make the most of them.

Read the book you kept postponing

Pick up the book you always meant to read but never found the time for.

Tidy your living space

Sort out your room or your home and clear away the clutter.

Make or learn something

Write, paint, build something with your hands, or start learning a new skill or language.

Explore your own town

Visit an interesting corner of your town and learn about its culture and history.

Lend a hand

Join an event that is already happening, as a volunteer or a helper.

Help a charity

Visit a charitable organisation and offer some of your time to its work.

Share what you know

Gather the children in your neighbourhood and teach them a skill you are good at.

Something almost magical happens when you let other people talk about themselves, their lives and what matters to them. They respect you. They see you as sincere. They open up. After all, everyone wants to be heard.

Your turn will come

Before long, the conversation turns. They want to know you better. They want to understand what moves you. They want to connect with your story. And just like that, a friendship begins to grow.

What it does for you

In the quiet loneliness that touches every life, shining the light on someone else, letting that person be seen, heard and treated as special, becomes a joy in itself. It feels deeply satisfying. It certainly feels purposeful, and finding purpose matters. Imagine who you become when you give meaning to people in those moments. It brings a calm, quiet confidence that nothing else can give.

It is worth remembering too that anyone who stands in the spotlight for long can easily lose their way. Stepping aside to let others shine keeps us grounded.

Do not let loneliness defeat you. Defeat the loneliness instead, and step out of the grip of sorrow and disappointment.

Loneliness is a pain that weighs heavily on the mind. If you sense it creeping in, these steps can help you deal with it.

Give your time to others

Volunteering brings you into contact with new people, and it also offers the chance to feel for others. Look for a local children’s home, a club, a charity or any group that helps people without seeking reward or payment. The unselfish work you do will broaden your outlook and lift you out of loneliness quickly. It will also make you feel good about yourself.

Try new hobbies

Perhaps you already keep a few pastimes that keep you company when you feel alone. Deep loneliness, though, can make even favourite pastimes feel dull. So explore something new, something you have never tried. Play a sport you have never played, or set off on a short hike. Let yourself loose and discover the wide world around you. You will not feel lonely for long.

Join a club

If you have felt isolated lately because there is little to do or you have few friends, perhaps after moving to a new town, joining a club is one of the best remedies. Choose one built around activities you enjoy, and you will meet plenty of like-minded people. You will connect with some of them at once and make a few good friends. That alone will help you feel lively again.

Learn to enjoy your own company

Last but not least, one of the best answers to loneliness is to start loving time on your own. Enjoying solitude is an art in itself. Once you learn to like being alone, you may find that solitude is actually good for you. There is so much you can do on your own. You answer to nobody for what you choose. You do not have to weigh up other people’s opinions and moods when you make plans. Once you see these advantages, you will stop feeling bad about being alone.

Living more gently on the planet does not require a dramatic change, such as moving into a treehouse or gathering wild herbs for dinner. A few small adjustments to daily life can cut the amount of rubbish you produce by a surprising amount.

Get your bills online

Most companies now let you receive bills by email or through an online account. Choosing that option removes a great deal of unwanted post and paper, much of which you probably throw away without even opening.

Compost your scraps

If you enjoy gardening, keep a small bin on the kitchen counter where you can drop food scraps, including fruit and vegetable peel, eggshells and used coffee grounds. Composting turns leftover food and other natural waste into a dark, rich material that feeds the soil and helps plants grow.

Buy loose and in bulk

Shopping from bulk bins cuts down on wrappers, saves money and lets you sample unfamiliar foods a little at a time. Bulk stores usually have rows of bins with scoops, so you can take exactly as much as you want.

Carry your own bags and jars

A cloth bag is the simplest green habit of all. Avoid plastic bags altogether by keeping a reusable bag, many of which fold up small, in your handbag or vehicle. If you are going bulk shopping, take jars with lids for anything liquid.