Tag: Parents

We all have a friend who is never on time. Perhaps you are that friend. Researchers have looked into why some people are late again and again, and what can be done about it.

Anyone can run late a handful of times. Being the person who is always at least five minutes behind is something else, a frustrating and inconvenient habit that may partly come from personality. What makes some people miss trains, slip into a wedding after the ceremony has begun and keep their friends waiting time after time? And why is the habit so stubborn?

The paradox

Decades of research have turned up a handful of revealing traits. Lateness comes with all kinds of penalties, yet the strange part, as one social psychologist observes, is that people keep running late even though those penalties and consequences exist.

We misjudge how long things take

One of the most common reasons people are late is that they badly misjudge the time a task needs, a bias psychologists call the planning fallacy. Research has found that people underestimate the time a task needs by as much as 40 percent.

Multitaskers run later

A second trait, probably linked to the first, is that habitual latecomers are more likely to be multitaskers. One study of 181 underground train drivers in a large American city found that those who preferred juggling several things at once were late for work more often. Juggling tasks makes it harder to stay aware of what you are actually doing and how long it is taking. For people who keep underestimating tasks, breaking an activity down into very detailed steps helps them judge more accurately how long it will take.

How to break the habit

If you recognise yourself as a habitual latecomer, there are ways to fight back. Look again at your routine and time each part of it with a stopwatch, not with the clock in your head.

Remember too that your lateness does not only cost you. It costs everyone who is waiting for you.

Finally, give up split-second timing, the most familiar sign of a habitual latecomer. Instead of announcing “I will be there in 23 minutes”, say “I will be there in 30 minutes”. Nobody reaches anywhere in precisely 23 minutes. If you could manage it, you would not be someone who is always late.

Just as people speak of love at first sight, we are also quick to pass judgement at first sight. It is in our nature to size up the person in front of us, to decide whether we can trust them, whether to be friendly or whether to stay on our guard. Within a fraction of a second we have formed opinions and slotted people into stereotypes, often based on nothing more than what we do not know about them.

The extra few seconds

What we usually fail to do is spend a few more seconds getting a sense of what lies inside another person, above all the good in them. It is far easier to pick out faults and dwell on the bad, even in small actions. The habit works in our favour when we reverse it. The better we get at finding the good in other people, the better we get at seeing the good in ourselves.

A rose bush or a thorn bush

Instead of complaining that a rose bush is covered in thorns, be glad that a thorny bush carries roses. This outlook does not change the bush. It does help us love it.

It takes a little work

Seeing the good in others is not always easy, but with a little effort it is far from impossible. Each of us has been shaped by positive and negative people and circumstances that made us who we are, unlike anyone else. When we see the good in people, it becomes easier to want to help them. Together we then set off a cycle of positive change that grows and gradually changes whole communities.

Find the good in people

People often say, “Find good people and leave the bad ones.” A better version might be, “Find the good in people and overlook the bad in them.” Nobody is perfect.

Life is made of choices and shaped by the words we use. If you want to change your life, change the way you speak about it. In a sense you are always predicting your own future through the way you think and talk about how things will turn out. One harmful sentence can wreck someone’s life, make their day or alter their mood. Words carry that much power.

All of us need a push now and then to do better, be better and learn better. When things get hard, we have to find a fighter’s spirit to keep going towards a fulfilling life. These few sentences can change your life and give you some perspective.

How we spend our days is how we spend our lives

Most of us sense this already, yet it slips our mind, above all when we fall into a rut and forget that the days are what a life is made of. Recall it when you are about to give up on a day because it started badly, or when you are about to repeat a bad habit that will not help you get today’s work done. A lifetime is simply a collection of single days, so it makes sense to get the most out of each one.

We see the world not as it is, but as we are

This idea can change the way you see the world. Reality is one thing; our view of it, filtered through who we are, is another. That is why it is always worth questioning your own perception and asking whether things really are as you see them. It helps most when you start believing there is no other way to see something than your own. It can calm a big argument, or even a small disagreement, instead of letting a misreading stand.

Failure is an event, not a person

This sentence is a fine way to steer yourself onto a different path. Hold your chin up and lean towards hope, even on days when you feel neither capable nor successful. Reach for it in the thick of a setback, when you start scolding yourself for falling short. It reminds you not to call yourself a failure, because failure is something that happens, not something you are.

Waiting only makes you older

There is never a better moment to start than now. Delay simply lets the clock run while nothing moves you closer to your goal. One day you may look up to find the time gone and yourself still waiting. Think of this when a big decision keeps getting postponed, or when you are holding off until everything is “perfect”. That perfect moment probably never arrives, and you will wish you had started sooner so you could already be enjoying the results.

Every journey has secret destinations the traveller does not know about

The destination matters less than being ready for the journey. Discovering places you love that were never on your map is one of the hidden rewards of choosing to move towards your dreams. This helps most when you feel you are not getting any closer to where you wanted to be. You may already have arrived somewhere you did not plan for, and be blind to how good it is simply because it is not exactly what you had in mind.

Someone makes a remark that leaves you uncomfortable straight away. They think they are being amusing, but what they said was inappropriate and perhaps even offensive. How do you handle a moment like that?

None of us is perfect, but there is a right way to deal with a wrong. A softer approach is far more likely to end well. So whether it is a disagreement with friends or a problem at work, these are good ways to respond when you feel offended.

Do not assume the worst

If you choose to say something, go into it as though the person did not mean to hurt you. Most of the time they simply have no idea how their words came across. Be kind about it, since you have very likely made similar slips yourself. Saying that you have been in the same position can make the other person less defensive and more willing to hear your side.

Be careful with your feelings

Emotions will rise, but do not let them decide how you react. Sometimes the best response is none at all. If a response is needed, it can help to wait, take a moment to think about what actually happened, and work out how to reply gently. Avoid picking the episode apart and filling in the blanks, which can turn it into something bigger than it really was.

Be clear

Ask yourself whether an offence really took place or whether it was a misunderstanding. Decide in advance what you want to say. Writing down your main points can help you get them straight in your own mind. Then describe what happened, as you saw it, in simple terms the other person can easily follow.

Do not accuse

Avoid accusations. Research suggests that harsh labels provoke far more defensive reactions, because people attach exaggerated meanings to such words and respond strongly. Calling someone out may feel righteous, but nobody wants to be told they are offensive, especially when they did not mean to be.

Try another way

If you decide you would rather not take up the comment, there are other options. You could change the subject. You could also simply wait and see. Sometimes the person who made the remark realises their mistake and apologises on their own.

Every swindler and every salesperson would love to know the answer to one question: what makes us trust someone we have never met, enough to hand over our money? Research now suggests a large part of the answer. We tend to trust strangers who resemble people we already know and consider honest, and we pull back from strangers who resemble people who once let us down.

What the experiment showed

Researchers at a university in New York ran a series of experiments in which volunteers played a game for money. Some of the players in the game were trustworthy and usually shared the money with the group. Others were untrustworthy and mostly kept it for themselves. The volunteers were then shown photographs of new players. When a new face looked like one of the untrustworthy players from before, people were less willing to risk their money. Their view of a complete stranger had been coloured by how closely that stranger resembled someone they had already met.

Judging without information

As one of the scientists behind the study put it, we decide on a stranger’s character without any direct facts about them. We go on their likeness to others we have known, and we do it even when we are not aware of the resemblance at all.

Why we work this way

Humans have learned to trust people on the basis of how they behaved in the past, because past behaviour shows whether someone is reliable. All day long we make judgements about how honest others are. A stranger, though, offers no reputation and no track record to go on, so the mind reaches for the nearest substitute: the faces it already knows.

A small resemblance is enough

The study also found that strangers were distrusted even when they looked only slightly like someone previously linked with bad behaviour. A faint likeness was enough to tip the decision.

Worth remembering the next time a new face makes you uneasy for no clear reason. The feeling may say more about someone from your past than about the person in front of you.

Everybody wants to be happy, yet we often sabotage our own happiness. Here are some everyday habits that can quietly wear it away.

Talking yourself down

Much of the time we are our own harshest critics. Inside our heads we speak badly about ourselves, often without noticing we are doing it. Negative self-talk is one of the quickest routes to unhappiness. Catch it, and speak to yourself more kindly.

Not valuing what you have

Whatever your circumstances, you have a great deal to be grateful for. Move your attention away from what you lack and towards how full and wonderful your life already is. Unless you stop now and then to notice your blessings, no amount of good fortune will ever feel like enough.

Criticising others

Unhappy people often project their own unhappiness by pointing out other people’s faults, as a way of drawing attention away from their own. Stop criticising others and you make room for more happiness in your own life.

Keeping company with negative people

The wrong relationships can drain your happiness. Negative people affect your whole life, and if you are not careful their pessimism starts to grow in you too. The sad truth is that they will not change, however hard you try to win their approval. Choose your company with care.

Unmet expectations are behind most of our disappointments. We counted on someone to be a certain way or to act a certain way, they did not, and of course we feel let down. Letting go of some of those expectations frees you to meet life differently and to think in fresh ways. If you want fewer disappointments, here are some things to stop expecting from other people.

That they will agree with you

If you want people to agree with every word you say, expect to be disappointed often. People hold views of their own, and it is not realistic to think they will always match yours. Make your case with evidence and figures if you like, but do not take agreement for granted, and do not assume it is owed to you.

That they will be perfect

With that mindset you will always be disappointed, because nobody will ever fully meet your expectations. Aiming high on behalf of others is fine. Just accept that people will sometimes fall short, and that falling short still means they made an effort. Be kind about it, and drop the demand for perfection.

That they will read your mind

Some people have sharp intuition. Others simply cannot read feelings or faces as well. Being sensitive to how others feel yourself does not mean everyone is on the same wavelength. Most people have no wish to be mind readers, so say clearly what you think and feel so that nobody has to keep guessing. Honest, open communication also makes relationships stronger.

That a relationship is worth any price

None of us is perfect, and some people in our lives like to remind us of it and make us feel small. Many of us try to please such people at any cost, just to win a little affection and friendship. You should never do this. Put your time and energy instead into relationships with people who deserve them, and do not get drawn into other people’s negativity.

That they will respect you when you do not respect yourself

Respect begins on the inside. If you want respect, you have to earn it from yourself first by living in a way that shows self-respect. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you.

That their habits will change overnight

We all know people with a habit or trait we badly want them to change, and we keep thinking it will happen any moment. If a behaviour bothers you, talk about it. You cannot expect people to change just because something about them annoys you or does not suit you. If a habit is unpleasant but bearable, allow it time and stay patient.

That they will pay your way

Your money is your responsibility. Nobody else should be covering your outings, your bills or your shopping. Take control of your money. Set a budget and keep to it. Know what you need and what you merely want. When you want something, put money aside for it instead of waiting for friends or relatives to fund it.

A few last ones to let go of: do not expect others to fix things when you cannot find a way yourself, do not expect them to drop everything for you, do not expect them to lift you up every time you fall, and do not expect them always to be fine.

Life may be good, yet there is always room to do better. Working on yourself is something to keep at for your whole life. Here are four ways to keep growing.

Get past obstacles

You will run into difficulties, and probably a few roadblocks too. Find ways around whatever stands between you and a better version of yourself.

Let go of perfectionism

Perfection is the wrong target when you are trying to improve, because nobody can reach it. Chasing it only breeds negativity when you cannot do something as flawlessly as you think you should. Enjoy learning from the mistakes you make along the way. That is the only way anyone gets better.

Ask someone to guide you

Think of the person you admire most among the people you know. Ask whether they would guide you. Go to them for advice, or for help in holding yourself to account as you grow, and learn the lessons their life can teach. Nobody ever claimed that improving yourself was easy, but it is worth working at all your life.

Keep a journal of the journey

Write your experiences down in a journal. One day you can look back and see who you were then and how far you have come. You can also find the things you did not manage the first time and have another go at them.

There will be many times when you feel sad, angry or upset, and you are allowed to. Those feelings are natural and healthy. But when you reach the point where nothing excites you and your whole life feels hopeless, that is the moment to take charge and bring hope back. Here is what to do when you cannot find hope in anything.

Work on yourself

Take care of yourself. Sharpen the abilities you have, or pick up fresh ones. Let yourself feel good about who you are and what you are capable of. Invest time in useful daily habits that hold your interest and keep you going. A habit gives you a steady routine, and a routine trains you to persist and not give up. That steadiness is what moves you forward, whatever stands in the way.

Stop trying to control everything

Let things be. One reason we lose hope is that life is not going the way we wanted. Trying to control every situation will only wear you out completely.

Do not jump to conclusions

Most of the time, things are not as bad as they seem. We often judge a situation before it has even played out. Wait before you form an opinion about it, because we tend to overthink and worry for no reason, and our minds make things look worse than they are. In those hopeless moments, simply step back and reflect.

New possibilities are around us all the time, and fresh ones appear every moment. Make a habit of choosing one now and then and exploring it properly. It is quite possible that one small change will set the stage for a far bigger sense of fulfilment. Sometimes even a slight shift in thinking opens up exciting new options. These are some ways to open the door.

Know that everyone has fears

Nothing shapes our lives and choices more than fear. We fear failing, being rejected and facing change. Yet fear offers no growth and no experience. By keeping everything the same you only harm yourself, shutting yourself off from experiences that could enrich you.

Nobody is watching as closely as you think

Whenever we try something new or step out of our comfort zone, we imagine that everyone is staring. That can be intimidating and make us very self-conscious. With time you will overcome that fear and take up your new hobby or activity with confidence. As you practise, keep reminding yourself that you are not being watched nearly as much as you believe.

You cannot grow without trying

A plant will not grow if the seed never goes into the soil. In the same way, you have to plant something in your own life if you want your mind and your world to expand. Nothing is holding you back except you. Your finances, background, education, upbringing, social standing or job cannot stop you if you are truly unwilling to be stopped.

Do not limit yourself

Do you catch yourself thinking you cannot do something, or that some things are beyond you? Deciding ahead of time where your abilities end only shrinks your own opportunities. Open the door for yourself by placing no limits on what you can do, create, experience, feel or learn.

Build a positive habit

Rather than trying to catch every unkind thing you say about yourself, put your energy into creating the positive habit instead. Tell yourself that you can do it and that you can get the position. You can do your best, and you can succeed. Say the right things to yourself and the right results follow.

The power is in your hands

If you wait to reach a certain income before you even consider taking up a new hobby, you are holding yourself back. If you use the way you were raised as a reason to cling to certain beliefs and resist learning, you are holding yourself back. Change is your decision alone. Some changes are harder than others, but once you make a serious decision to change, or to open up your world in any way, you can change anything.

Show empathy

One powerful way to widen your possibilities is to reach out to other people. Show them kindness and compassion, even if it is only by quietly recognising their intentions and what they are going through. People fall into bad moods just as we all do, and they often do not realise the effect they have on others. Seeing this, and offering a little empathy to the people you meet, opens your mind in many ways and lets you see the world differently.