Tag: Parents

Most of us have something we would like to change: one small thing that might add a touch of contentment, or simply more joy, to each day. We read tips and guidelines on improving life all the time. Here are a few habits that actually help.

Give yourself something to look forward to

When the mind is anticipating something good, we start to feel happy before the event has even happened. You can use that on purpose. At the end of a tiring working day, tell yourself you are going home to watch a programme you enjoy, or picture the family trip you have planned for the weekend. The anticipation pushes negative thoughts aside.

Keep moving

Many people have to sit for most of the day, which does far more harm than we realise. Exercising two or three times a week is vital for physical fitness and mental stability, but it is also important to avoid sitting too long during the day. Make a habit of getting up and walking about for a moment every 45 minutes. Take any excuse you can find.

Make decisions together

In many situations we decide things alone, sometimes rightly and sometimes not. Independence matters, but there is often a better way. When a decision will affect the people around you, it is far better to include them in thinking it through and making the choice.

Keep learning something new

People who keep investing time in learning new things, even in later life, tend to report richer lives and greater happiness. Part of the reason may be that the mind stays busy. It is also likely that the sense of achievement, and the break from negative thoughts that learning offers, both do good.

Set yourself a bedtime alarm

We have endless content at our fingertips: television channels, the internet, games and apps. It tempts us to keep watching one more thing before bed, and we end up sleeping much later than we meant to. Try an alarm that rings not to wake you, but to tell you it is time to go to bed.

Say what you feel

Telling someone you love them strengthens a relationship and adds to your own joy. Adding a specific example of what you love about them makes it far more meaningful. It warms them and lifts their confidence, and when they are happier, you will be too.

Notice the good that is already here

How much did you enjoy your last meal? When did you last stop to smell a flower? How glad are you to go home to your family? Most of us cannot answer, because these are the things we take for granted. For one whole day, try paying attention to these small pleasures. They will light up everything good in your life and quieten the gloomy thoughts that usually take up most of your attention.

“Could you do me a favour?” Does saying that make you uncomfortable? It should not. Asking for help is an ordinary part of life, and doing it well strengthens relationships rather than straining them. Keep three steps in mind.

Set the stage

Whenever you ask for a favour, openly acknowledge that it is a favour, one you will repay, not simply a need of yours that someone else should meet. Make it a two-way exchange. People are far more willing to help someone who clearly values their time and intends to return the kindness.

Give a reason

When you ask someone to do something for you, offer a reason. People respond well to the word “because”. Even when the reason is only loosely connected to the request, they like to understand why they are being asked. A short, honest explanation turns a demand into a request.

Leave them a way out

Your aim is really double: to receive the help you need, while leaving the other person glad they were asked. The surest way to achieve both is to give them an easy, graceful way to say no. Something as simple as “and it is completely fine if you cannot” takes the pressure off. Paradoxically, people who feel free to decline are often more willing to say yes.

Why it matters

A favour asked well builds trust on both sides. The person asked feels respected rather than cornered, and you keep the relationship intact whatever the answer. Next time you need help, you will find it easier to ask, and they will find it easier to give.

Most of us take it for granted that thinking positively produces positive results. In truth, that is more a personal belief than an established fact.

Whether positive thinking actually delivers good outcomes has become one of the most debated questions of our time. Even leading scientists and doctors have not reached agreement. Some say it works. Others say it does not.

It does not work everywhere

One thing is clear: positive thinking does not guarantee good results in every case. In some situations it may help. Facing a job interview, for example, a hopeful frame of mind makes you more confident and readier to give the right answers.

But picture someone inside an aircraft that has lost both its wings. No amount of positive thinking will help that person. Some situations are simply beyond the reach of attitude.

Where it clearly helps

Positive thinking has a strong effect on management, production and many everyday situations. Good management combines problem solving with image building. Solving problems depends on skill and sharp thinking, and attitude plays only a small part there. Building a good image, however, flows directly from a positive outlook.

Where it may not help

Fighting disease is the contested ground. Some doctors claim positive thinking can cure many illnesses, even very serious ones. Others dismiss the idea as a modern myth, arguing that every illness has a physical cause that must be found and removed before a cure is possible. A hopeful attitude is a companion to proper treatment, never a replacement for it.

Keep it anyway

Even so, it is better to think positively, even when it produces no measurable result. It costs you nothing. You do not have to buy it; you only have to cultivate it, until it becomes part of how you see things.

On a personal level and on a global scale, all of us keep meeting challenges and hardships that test our emotional strength: illness, injury, grief, unemployment, or even a brand new venture whose outcome nobody can predict. However harshly luck treats you, there are always strategies that can help carry you through. Here are the most effective.

Accept life as it actually is

An old teaching holds that the secret of life is not to want what you do not have, but to want what you do have. There is a great sense of freedom in taking life as it comes. Once you learn to hold the good and the bad parts of your life together, you have a real chance to enjoy it fully and to value everything it has given you.

Do not rush through life

We have all heard that slow and steady wins the race, yet few of us realise how much that approach matters. By always hurrying, we end up undermining our own success. Cut corners now and you can be sure of paying for it later.

Be more grateful

Many of us count our worries far more often than we count our blessings, dwelling on what we lack instead of what we have. That attitude shrinks your ability to live a happy, fulfilling life, because it keeps you weighed down by negativity. A far better recipe for emotional health is to notice all the good your life holds and receive it with gratitude.

Treat success and failure as parts of the journey

Everyone alive is always learning, whatever their age. That is why it matters not to be too hard on yourself, and to accept that trying, succeeding, failing and trying again is the only real way to build lasting confidence. However successful or mature we become, the child inside us will always need friends and mentors to help see us through.

Empathy means losing yourself so fully in another person’s joys and sorrows that you feel them as your own.

Whatever hardship lands in front of you, however many obstacles line up, your happiness should not vanish along with your good days.

Obstacles come and go

Every obstacle that arrives will also leave. It comes, and in time it goes. What belongs to you, though, should not leave with it. Happiness is your own property, and like anything you own, it needs looking after.

Think of the guest

Whenever a difficulty turns up, remind yourself that it has come in order to go. When a guest visits your home, you do not expect them to walk off at the end of the visit with everything you own. In the same way, an obstacle may stay for a while and then move on, but it has no right to take your happiness with it when it leaves.

Only you hold the key

Happiness should stay with you through the good days and the hard ones. Other people and events can shake it, but only you have the power to decide whether you remain content. That is not a burden; it is a freedom. Nobody else can hand your happiness out, and nobody else can take it away unless you let them.

A simple practice

Next time something goes wrong, say quietly to yourself: this is a guest, not a new owner. Deal with it, host it if you must, and then see it to the door, with your happiness still safely at home.

Being brave does not mean feeling no fear. It means moving forward while the fear is still there.

Do you sometimes feel you cannot stop giving yourself a hard time? Being harsh with yourself only makes problems bigger.

When things do not go your way, it is easy to turn hard and bitter. There is nothing wrong with feeling low when life is tough, but remember that bad times do not last for ever. If you can get past the bitterness, the bad times actually end sooner. Avoiding that trap is not always easy, but these steps help.

Find the root cause

Working out what is making you bitter is the first step to recovering. Whether you are going through a breakup and feel the sting of seeing other happy couples, or you are simply unhappy with how your life has turned out, identify the source first.

Make small changes

Changing your life is easier when you do it one small step at a time. If a change feels too big to manage alone, you are probably trying to do too much at once. Taking it step by step works especially well for overcoming bitterness and a negative outlook in general.

Quieten the overthinking

Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Remember that you do have control over it, even when it does not feel that way. When you are bitter, your mind becomes the enemy, and it gets harder to hold back the negative thoughts that keep circling.

Notice the little things

Learning to enjoy the small things you normally take for granted is a big step towards letting go of bitterness.

Face problems squarely

Instead of punishing yourself when you fail, learn to get past failure. Work on your weak spots and close the gaps.

Go easy on yourself

Making peace with, and sincerely regretting, whatever contributed to how you feel is one of the best ways to leave the negativity behind. Practise positive self-talk and release any hard feelings you hold towards yourself before they grow into a bigger problem.

Allow yourself a treat

One more thing makes each day a little happier: treating yourself. Whatever you enjoy, a favourite dessert or a new pair of shoes you have had your eye on, go and enjoy it now and then. At the end of the day, you need to be kind to yourself too.

Staying encouraged is a real challenge, and sometimes a small hobby or habit is what gets you through.

Have you ever tried to talk yourself into a task you have always wanted to do? It helps to have a few activities ready that motivate you, especially on days when you are your own sole supporter. Here are three that work.

Post sticky notes

The beauty of sticky notes is that they can go anywhere: around the house, on a mirror, even in the car. Jot down short, cheering lines addressed to yourself and put them where your eyes will land. Whenever you feel low or discouraged, the notes are waiting to remind you to keep going. It is a small act, but it means your own best voice is always within reach.

Take up photography

This creative hobby reliably lifts the spirits. Taking part in photo shoots builds confidence and helps you feel good about how you look. It takes courage to step in front of a camera and give your best, and you may find you are exactly that kind of person. Photography also pairs naturally with travel; the two go together like bread and butter, and each makes the other richer.

Read uplifting books

At times, someone else’s ideas are exactly what steer you the right way. Motivational reading is good for building both knowledge and confidence. Reading something uplifting exists to improve how you live, and there are plenty of books written to do just that.

The common thread

Each of these puts encouragement somewhere you can reach it without waiting for anyone else: on a note, behind a lens, or on a page. On the days nobody is cheering, you can still cheer yourself.

You can stop other people’s thoughtlessness from getting under your skin by choosing how you react and how you communicate. The irritation is theirs to create; whether it lands is up to you.

Ignore the careless person

If someone thoughtless is bothering you, you are free to disregard them. You can simply not respond. If you are in a group, turn your attention to someone else. Silence is often the quickest way to take the sting out of a provocation.

Do not take the bait for an argument

When someone is itching to argue, just do not. It is not your job to show them how immature they are by getting drawn into petty quarrels. Every argument you decline is time and energy you keep for yourself.

Remember that nobody can read minds

Stop inventing stories in your head, such as believing the person in front of you is walking slowly on purpose to make you late. Most people who annoy us have no idea they are doing it. The story we tell ourselves about their intentions is usually far worse than the truth.

Speak up kindly when you must

If something does need saying, there is no need to be rude. Tell the person politely that their behaviour is not what you expected. A calm word usually works better than a sharp one, and it leaves your own dignity intact.

The quiet principle

Every minute you spend fuming about someone else’s behaviour is a minute they are living in your head without paying rent. Protect that space. Decide who gets your attention, and let the rest pass by.

Welcoming your emotions is not negative, harmful or weak. It is the opposite. Feeling things strongly is healthy and useful. Here are three reasons to stop judging your emotions and get on with living.

Your feelings belong to you

When you judge your feelings and push them down, you are pushing down a piece of yourself. Letting them in means you actually live your life instead of just getting through it. Your emotions have a lot to tell you about who you are, and they can lead you towards new experiences.

Judging them blocks healing

When you judge your feelings and bury them deep inside, you take away your own ability to recover from them when you need to. Grief is a good example. Part of grieving is simply to grieve: to be sad, to be angry, and even to be in denial for a while. Going through all of that is how the heart heals. If you never let yourself truly feel, you may end up doing more harm, to yourself and to the people around you.

Judging them stirs up extra emotions

When you label a feeling as weak or unjustified, you can set off a second round of emotions that never needed to appear. You end up angry at yourself for feeling low, or ashamed of being afraid. The original feeling was hard enough; judging it adds a new layer on top.

A gentler way

Next time a strong feeling arrives, try naming it without a verdict: “I am sad,” not “I should not be sad.” Feelings pass through far more quickly when they are allowed in than when they are fought at the door.

Lying has become an everyday habit for many people, and it can lead to serious trouble, both in the mind and in life. The piece this post draws on was written for women, but its reasons apply to anyone. Here are four good reasons to stop.

1. Truth makes you brave

Telling an awkward, inconvenient truth takes more courage than telling a risky lie. Strong, wise people put truth first, especially where feelings and relationships are involved. The truth may sting in the moment, but the person on the other side will respect you for having the courage to say it.

2. Lies do not solve problems

Do you believe a few white lies will make your problems go away? If so, think again. Lies do not remove problems; they double them. Honesty is the best policy in every situation. Step out of that game: be honest, and accept what follows from your actions.

3. Lies create inner conflict

Lying sets up a war inside you. It creates stress that drags down your mood and hands you fresh problems. Worse, lying can become a habit, and one lie needs another to hide it, and then another. Over time it wears away your confidence and your self-respect.

4. Truth means less stress

Honesty leaves you less tense and less low, because you no longer have to keep track of every white lie or worry about being found out. Many people find that honesty leaves them calmer, healthier in spirit and clearer in their thinking.

The simple test

Before a small lie slips out, ask one question: will I have to remember this? The truth never needs remembering. That alone makes it the lighter load to carry.