Tag: Parents

Owning up to your weak spots is hard. Find the will to do it, though, and a surprising number of rewards follow. Here are the reasons it is worth the effort.

It makes you braver

Owning up to your shortcomings takes real courage. Only someone brave and strong-willed can look at their own weak spots without flinching.

It makes you a better person

Admitting that you have flaws is the first step towards improving. It also brings a natural modesty and humility that others notice and respect.

It lets you be at ease with yourself

Accepting your flaws means accepting yourself as you really are. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, a deep calm follows, a clean and quiet sense of peace. It also gives your life a feeling of stability.

It points you towards a better future

When you accept that something is missing, you can head deliberately towards filling that gap. In that way your flaws become the starting point of a plan. Embracing them shows you are willing to change things for the better.

It improves your relationships

Admitting you were wrong, instead of stubbornly trying to prove your point, does wonders for how you get on with people, especially your partner. It also makes it easier to love yourself, and to love others.

It builds success and empathy

Accepting your flaws and working on them is the surest route to success. It also makes you gentler with other people’s shortcomings, because you know how it feels to have your own.

It makes you stronger, and keeps you growing

Facing your flaws and weaknesses strengthens you emotionally and mentally, so you can take setbacks in your stride. And once you accept that you are imperfect, you never grow complacent. You keep trying to improve and to do better, and that steadily makes your life better too.

Most of us are keen to earn and driven to achieve. Yet the moment the salary lands, we spend as though there were no tomorrow, thinking about the moment rather than the future. If our children do the same, we can hardly blame them. They learned it from us.

Spending wisely and saving money is a habit that has to be built; nobody is born with it. Here are some ways to teach children to save.

Start early

The saving habit should be planted as early as possible. Around five years old is a good age for children to begin understanding money and the idea of keeping some of it. A piggy bank can make saving feel like an exciting game rather than a chore.

Lead by example

Children copy their parents. Be careful with your own spending, and let them see how you handle money. Watching you and following your lead will help them. Be the role model you want them to have.

Explain, in a light way

Talk about the family budget in a relaxed, simple manner. Being young, they may or may not grasp why saving matters, and they might repeat things carelessly to their classmates. So choose your words with care, and explain how saving helps and what it makes possible.

Separate needs from wants

Help them see the difference between what we need and what we want. We often feel we need everything, when most of it is really just what we want. Explained properly, children can become surprisingly sensible spenders.

Give them a goal

A target is a great motivator for starting anything. Excite them with a goal of their own, for example: “Save this much each month, and I will buy you this.”

Open a bank account

Open a savings account in their name and show them what saving does for them and how interest works. Explain how the bank adds interest to their savings over time. Teach them the golden rule: save first, then spend what is left.

Account types and interest rates vary by bank and change over time, so check the current options with your bank before you open one.

Everything in life is hard before it becomes easy. At almost every turn two roads open up: the easy one, and the one that is actually worth taking. The easy road asks nothing of us today and costs us later. The other road asks a great deal today and pays us back for years. Here are the places where the two part company.

With the people in our care

• It is easier to punish a child than to patiently raise one.
• It is easier to use emotional blackmail than to lift people through leadership.

With what we have and what we earn

• It is easier to take than to earn.
• It is easier to hoard than to share.
• It is easier to enjoy the glory alone than to share the spotlight.

With problems and promises

• Blaming is easier than solving.
• It is easier to abandon a commitment than to stand by it.
• It is easier to look on than to take the initiative.

With our attention and our work

• It is easier to be distracted than to focus.
• It is easier to look busy than to be productive.
• It is easier to repeat than to improve.
• It is easier to follow a path than to make one.

With other people

• Gossiping is easier than keeping a confidence.
• It is easier to blend into the crowd than to stand out from it.
• Spotting faults is easier than spotting greatness.

With our own hearts

• It is easier to be proud than to be grateful.
• It is easier to stay hurt than to forgive.

Choosing the other path

None of us takes the harder road every time. The point is to notice the fork when it appears. Each time you pick the worthwhile option, even once in a day, that road gets a little easier to walk, and in time it becomes the natural way you move through the world.

If you want your words to make sense, let them come out of silence. Sit quietly for five minutes every day.

Life brings every kind of situation and experience. Some leave us with good feelings and thoughts. Others start a steady trickle of negativity that seems never to stop. Whether you let that negativity grow inside you or keep it in check is your decision. Here are four steps towards a positive mind, and towards leaving negativity behind for good.

1. Live in the present

Nobody has superpowers. You cannot change what has already happened, and you cannot see what the future holds. The only thing within your reach is to enjoy the moment you are in. Every minute spent reliving the past or worrying about tomorrow is a minute taken away from the one place you can actually act.

2. Keep positive people around you

Extrovert or introvert, you have to deal with people. Negative people pull you towards negative beliefs, gloomy outlooks and discouraging stories. Keep your distance from them, and spend your time with people who spread good energy. Moods spread, so choose carefully what you let rub off on you.

3. Start the day with a positive feeling

Simply tell yourself something like “Today will be a good day” or “Whatever happens, I am happy today.” Talking to yourself kindly does not mean you are losing your mind. It shows a mind turned towards the good, and it sets the tone for everything that follows.

4. Meet challenges with a positive attitude

Learn to turn mistakes, failures and heartbreaks into valuable lessons for life. Face your fears head on, and overcome whatever is stopping you from living a full and satisfying life.

The thread through all four

None of these steps asks you to pretend that bad things do not happen. They ask you to choose where your attention goes: to the present rather than the past, to people who lift you rather than drain you, to a hopeful first thought rather than a fearful one, and to the lesson rather than the wound.

Jealousy is a sharp, stinging emotion. It can leave us bitter, even hostile, towards another person, whether we know them well or have never met them.

What envy actually is

Envy is the discomfort of seeing someone else happy. It might be their success at work or something in their personal life. Whatever it is, the moment you notice what they have achieved, you begin measuring it against what you have.

Everyone does it. That is not the problem

All of us envy other people at times. Fair enough. The trouble starts when you let that feeling seep into every thought and emotion you have about that person, or about yourself. At that point you lose touch with your own reality.

The grass and the rain cloud

When all your attention goes to what others are doing on their greener patch of grass, you fail to notice why yours looks darker: you are standing under your own rain cloud. The gloom is coming from where you stand, not from what you have.

One life, and it is yours

You get one life, and it is your own. Spend it comparing yourself with others and resenting everything they have that you want, and there will be no space left for motivation. The negativity will fill every corner of it.

The way out starts with noticing. When the comparison begins, bring your attention back to your own ground: what you are building, what you are grateful for, and what you can do next. Your energy is limited. Spend it on your own garden, not on watching someone else’s.

We often wish someone would show us the whole picture of our lives. It is not always good for us, because seeing everything at once would easily overwhelm us.

The wish to know

Now and then we catch ourselves wanting to know what our lives will look like, and what gifts and difficulties the coming months or years will bring. We want to know whether our present relationship will last, or whether our goals will be reached. Faced with a decision, we want to know in advance which choice will work out best. Some people even turn to fortune-tellers, their dreams and all kinds of other sources, hoping to find out what lies ahead. At most we get fleeting glimpses.

We may believe we want the whole story in full detail. In truth, knowing everything that is going to happen to us would probably leave us swamped and worn out.

Look at what you have already lived

Think about your life so far. Like most people, you have probably done more and faced more than you could ever have pictured. If someone had told you as a child about every job and every relationship you would go through, with all their ups and downs, you would have been overwhelmed. With your head crammed with facts about the future, you would have struggled to live in the present moment, and the present is where everything actually happens.

Not knowing is how we grow

In many ways, not knowing what is coming draws out of us the very qualities we need to grow. It would have been hard to give yourself fully to certain people or projects if you had known they would not work out in the end. Yet it was by sticking with them that you learned the lessons you needed.

Look back over your life and you would struggle to name anything that should not have happened. Your hardest experiences, and the lessons that came with them, may well have brought you your greatest rewards. Not knowing the future keeps us in the right place: wholehearted, and living in the present.

PERMA is often described as the simplest, most basic guide to finding happiness. It names five core elements that feed our sense of wellbeing. Here is what you need to know if happiness is what you are after.

The psychologist Martin Seligman, often called the father of positive psychology, argues that happiness has a formula. He sets out five elements that strongly shape how happy and fulfilled a person feels: Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement. Together they spell PERMA, and together they give practical pointers towards a happier life.

P for positive emotion: feeling good

A positive attitude is central to happiness. That does not mean smiling all the time. Quite the opposite: it should never mean bottling up any emotion. Building positive emotion means accepting and understanding your negative thoughts and feelings, learning where they come from and why, and gradually getting better at finding the brighter side of each situation.

E for engagement: finding flow

Doing something that truly matters to us keeps us fully in the present. That absorption brings a deep sense of joy, of mattering, of purpose and of happiness. To raise our happiness and keep it there, we need to let ourselves explore and find activities that absorb every one of our senses. Finding our drive and passion also means putting ourselves first sometimes, and saying no to whatever does not leave us immersed, inspired and energised.

R for relationships: real connection

To put this element into practice, look at the relationships you have now and work on their quality. Nurturing close bonds with friends, family, relatives and partners gives us a solid, healthy foundation, and the support and care we need throughout life. Spending real time together, backing one another and taking a genuine interest in each other’s lives builds healthy connections that deepen our sense of purpose, belonging and happiness.

M for meaning: a life with purpose

Meaning and purpose add hugely to happiness, because we all feel a pull to give our lives to something far larger than ourselves, something beyond the chase for money and passing pleasures. Finding purpose means setting aside small, short-lived rewards and looking at the bigger picture. Write down your dreams and goals. Ask yourself what you want to be remembered for and what you want to leave behind. And do not be alarmed if your dreams look too big for now.

A for achievement: a sense of accomplishment

Reaching our goals adds a great deal to our overall happiness and fulfilment. Achievement is closely tied to meaning and to goal-setting. Meeting a goal of any size confirms our strength, our ability and our staying power. When we stick with a goal and put all our energy, creativity and time into it, our happiness grows because we have given ourselves to something worthwhile.

Putting PERMA to work

• Knowing the model exists is the first step to using it. Keep looking at things from a positive angle.
• Find what makes you happy and fully absorbed.
• Invest in your relationships with family and friends by making time to connect and simply enjoy being together.
• Work out what gives your life meaning and purpose. It is different for everyone.

A short guided practice can help you see how cravings rise up in your mind and body. Once you can see them, you have a real chance of breaking free from unhealthy habits.

Our minds are wired to crave. When a craving arrives, we have two options. We can feed it, or we can notice what set it off and work with that. Here is a simple practice for the second option.

Settle into a comfortable position

Start by getting comfortable, in whatever posture suits you at this moment. There is no correct pose. Just let yourself settle.

Tune in to your body

Turn your attention to the physical sensations you can feel. Check in with your body. How does it feel right now? Are you holding tension anywhere? You might start with your feet and the other places where you touch the ground or the chair: your knees, your hips, your hands, your shoulders. Notice your breath, the simple fact of breathing. Be genuinely curious about what is going on inside you right now.

Rest in that awareness

Notice what it is like simply to rest in awareness of your body. Notice, too, what it is like to realise that you can become aware of these sensations at all. That realisation matters. It means you do not have to be ruled by your cravings. You can study them with curiosity, one moment at a time.

Watch for other urges

For the last few minutes, stay aware of your body and look out for any other urges that come up. There may be a pull to drift into daydreams, or a pull to scold yourself over something that happened earlier in the day or the week. Do not push them away. Go straight towards them and explore them, holding each sensation with the same gentle, curious attention.

Why it works

A habit runs on autopilot: the urge appears and we act on it before we have even noticed it. This practice puts a small gap between the urge and the action. In that gap, the craving becomes something you can look at rather than something that simply happens to you, and you get to choose what to do next.

Two sisters, both in middle age, were making a long train journey from one end of the country to the other. Bad weather forced the train to stop at a small station halfway, where it had to wait until conditions eased and the line was cleared. The passengers were stuck on board for hours.

The older sister

The older sister was irritated and fed up. She complained sharply to the guards, who could do nothing about it either. She sulked without pause and became a nuisance to everyone travelling with her.

The younger sister

The younger sister would not let the hold-up spoil her mood. She moved cheerfully through the train, made friends, swapped jokes, played with the children, got people singing in one carriage after another, and generally lifted everyone’s spirits.

Strangers warmed to her. They shared their food, asked her to join them, and threw themselves into the games she organised to keep everyone amused.

Journey’s end

When the train at last pulled into its final station, the older sister was gloomy, low and worn out. As far as she was concerned, the whole trip had been a waste of time.

The younger sister had enjoyed herself enormously. She had made plenty of new friends, had fresh experiences, and kept her good mood and good humour the whole way.

What made the difference

The younger sister enjoyed the trip in spite of the delay and discomfort because she made the most of the moment she was in. The older sister was unhappy because she was waiting for her surroundings to improve. She had put her happiness off until some later point when everything would be just right.

Every day brings each of us a share of problems, obstacles, rewards and successes. Given that, living in the present opens up the most of what life has to offer. We can pay attention to what is going on around us and enjoy the small pleasures that are available right here, right now. Yet most of us stay caught up in old griefs, regrets and failures, or in worries about the future.

The past is finished. The future has not arrived. The only thing that is real is this moment, so use it well. Take hold of these moments, because none of them will come round again. Take hold of the now.

Much of our energy goes into keeping things out of our lives: illness, disappointment, money trouble. Yet there are plenty of good things we could invite in that would make life richer. Here are ten worth having.

1. Awareness

Use all your senses to take in what surrounds you. The natural world offers a great deal of joy every day, if we pause to look, listen, touch, taste and smell. The reward for this kind of attention is that we worry less about what is churning inside us. It is the gift of being present.

2. Self-love

What use are your talents and strengths to anyone if, at the end of the day, you do not care for yourself? You can succeed at work and still run yourself down about your looks or your qualities, and then you never fully enjoy the work you love. Learn to value yourself. It builds confidence and carries you further than you expected.

3. Self-worth

Few gifts to yourself matter more than recognising your own value. Seeing your worth comes before truly enjoying your life. The measure is not other people’s view or opinion of you; it is how you see yourself.

4. Love

Love may be the most important thing there is. It keeps us moving. It brings relationships alive, deepens friendships and lights a warmth in us that nothing else can replace. Letting love in makes you easier to love.

5. Compassion

Holding kindness and grace towards others is a fine thing. It brings harmony to the world and gentleness to our hearts. Reach out, share in others’ troubles, and help where you can, remembering that we are all part of something larger than ourselves.

6. Humility

Pride is hard to spot in yourself and harder still to fix. Rather than fretting over what you are trying to get rid of, focus on what you would like more of. Part of humility is owning up when you are wrong.

7. Laughter

Make room for it. Whatever kind of day it has been, and whatever else you feel you have failed at, allow yourself a proper laugh.

8. Serendipity

Stay alert to things that happen unexpectedly, even when they first look bad. A happy accident can arrive dressed as a lesson. Take it gratefully.

9. Optimism

The surest way to push out negativity is to bring in more positivity. Look at the brighter side. Things will be all right.

10. Generosity

Whether you give time, money or simply a patient ear, generosity is a wonderful quality to let in. It builds better relationships, keeps your own heart open, and helps someone who needs it.

Letting in is how we let go

Good things crowd bad things out. Love grows and makes room for more good while it pushes fear aside. Joy outweighs pain. The hard work of letting go gets easier. At the very least it is a matter of balance: taking in the good deserves as much effort as clearing out the bad.