Tag: Young Adults

Becoming an adult and meeting the world on its own terms is hard, and much of what you most need to know is never explained. Life itself is simple. We make it complicated with our own thinking. Situations can get out of hand, but solutions are usually only a step ahead. Here are some plain truths to carry with you, so the road ahead holds fewer surprises.

Do not expect perfection

Imagine having complete certainty: total security, knowing everything before it happens, knowing exactly how your life will unfold. If that were ever achieved, it would bring stagnation. There would be nowhere left to grow. Uncertainty is not a flaw in life. It is the room that growth needs.

Every decision matters

The decisions you make move your life forward. Even small choices lead you somewhere new, and every big decision brings you a step closer to the life you are building. Some decisions will be right and some will not be quite correct. Either way, each one becomes an experience that teaches you. That is why decisions are important.

In the end, you stand on your own

This is not meant literally. Friends and family will keep you company. Yet as an individual you are your own person. You came into the world alone and you will leave it alone, and the deeds you do will be counted as yours alone. So instead of leaning on others, turn the question inward: how could you grow into a better person?

Take charge of your life

Your life belongs to you, so do not hand the controls to someone else. You have your own judgement to tell what helps you and what harms you. Do not let anyone push you in a negative direction, and do not let anyone take advantage of you in any situation. Good influences will still make you a better person. What matters is to stay strong and true to your own character.

Experience is the real teacher

If you never accept new challenges, how will you ever learn anything new? Experiences teach you about life. Say yes to new things that come your way and try the challenges you meet. You never know which one will make you a better person, so decide for yourself.

Your thinking colours your life

Think negatively and situations tend to turn negative. So much depends on how you think. How you think can shift even the largest obstacles. Positive thinking helps you get through difficult times, and helps you stay content.

Things are not what they look like

Avoid judging anyone by looks or by how they behave on the surface. Someone who seems to have everything may be carrying heavy troubles. What matters in life is not appearance but inner feeling. Remember that life is about accepting, not complaining.

Be good to everyone

Treat everyone you meet with goodness, and goodness tends to come back to you. It is mutual. What you give in life is what you get back.

The journey is the point

Arriving at your destination is not really the point. Happiness turns out to live in the person you become while following your heart, finding out what you are good at, where your strength lies and what you truly want. That journey itself shapes the life you were meant for.

Thinking of travelling to the place you have always dreamed of, entirely by yourself? You may want to reconsider. Researchers have found that going through an experience together with another person seems to intensify it.

What the research found

People who shared an experience with someone else rated it as more pleasant, or more unpleasant, than people who went through the same thing alone. The lead researcher, a psychologist at a well-known American university, put it simply. When two people attend to the same pleasant thing together, be it a great painting or a tune playing on the radio, they enjoy it far more. The opposite is also true. A bad experience feels milder when faced alone, and harsher when someone else goes through it with you.

Sharing works even without words

The striking part is that the sharing does not need conversation. Simply experiencing something alongside another person, even silently, seems to focus our attention. It makes us more tuned in to what we are sensing and perceiving.

In one of the experiments, college students tasted pieces of chocolate. Even though the chocolate was identical every time, the students tended to rate it as more delicious when another person was tasting it at the same moment. So simply sharing a moment seems to alter what our senses report back to us.

What we can take from this

Two lessons follow, and they pull in opposite directions.

The first is an invitation. Good moments grow bigger when they are shared. A sunset, a meal, a piece of music or a small success feels richer with someone beside you. So when something good is coming, think about who you would like to share it with.

The second is a caution. The same effect amplifies the bad. Dwelling together on a grievance, or feeding each other’s worry, can make a hard thing feel heavier than it is. Company in difficult times is precious, but it helps most when it steadies us, not when it stirs the trouble up further.

Choose carefully what you share, and with whom. Shared attention is powerful. Point it at what is good.

Reconnecting with nature does something special for our inner life. It brings a feeling of being part of something larger than ourselves. Cultures throughout history have honoured rivers, mountains, trees, flowers, the sun, the moon and the other elements of the natural world.

But the steady destruction of the natural world has frayed that bond. By reawakening our sense of connection, we can begin to repair some of the harm done to the natural world.

First, listen

Before we can communicate with nature, we need to truly listen to it: the wind, the birds, the water, the quiet. Most of us rarely give it that attention.

Find a quiet place, outside and inside

Whether you find yourself high on a mountain or in a neighbourhood garden, part of reconnecting is finding a quiet time and a quiet place in your mind, so that you can focus. Meditation helps, though it may feel difficult at first.

Bring awareness, wisdom and kindness

With real commitment, and by cultivating awareness, wisdom and kindness, you will be moving in the right direction. Awareness lets you notice the beauty around you. Wisdom helps you understand your place in it. Kindness turns that understanding into care for the living world.

You do not need a long trip to begin. A few minutes under a tree, a slow walk along a stretch of water, or simply watching the sky at dawn can be enough to recharge a tired mind and remind you that you belong to something much bigger than your worries.

In an arch, the keystone is the single stone at the top that holds all the others in place. A keystone habit works the same way. It is the one habit with the biggest ripple effect on your life, so that adopting it can transform almost everything else.

They work in both directions

It is fairly easy to spot the keystone habits that make life miserable. One bad habit can quietly drag down sleep, mood, work and relationships all at once. So it makes sense to open your eyes and use the same power the other way, to make life better.

A keystone habit centres on a single action, just one, that transforms your life. People usually find their keystone habits in four areas: physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. The skill lies in recognising which habit would serve your life best at this particular moment.

There is no single right answer

Asking what the best keystone habit is resembles asking what the best book in the world is. The answer varies with the person and with where their life stands today. Everyone is different, with different things going on, so claiming one habit is always superior would be irresponsible. Yet just because everything is relative does not mean some things are not better than others. We have to take responsibility for finding our own.

Finding yours

Look at your life and ask which single change would make many other changes easier. For one person it is a regular bedtime. For another, a daily walk, a few quiet minutes of reflection each morning, or simply reading before sleep. Choose one, give it your full attention, and let its ripples spread.

We live in a world where caring for others is rightly prized, while nurturing and appreciating ourselves often gets pushed aside. When it comes to the relationship we have with ourselves, we can be either our own worst enemy or our number one supporter. Here are three steps towards the second.

Appreciate your life as it is

Take a moment right now to look at your life from where you stand, with complete appreciation. Appreciation does not mean standing still. While you value what you have, set the intention to change what you would like to change, and to let go of what no longer serves you.

Set boundaries

Set boundaries for yourself and for your time. This keeps your values in place. Lines are not crossed when you stand firm within the limits you have set. In effect, you are making a non-negotiable agreement with yourself, one that others must respect if they want to be close to you.

Stop comparing

Comparison steals joy. Instead of measuring yourself against others, appreciate all your quirks and oddities. They are your golden ticket to living in your own unique style.

Valuing yourself is not vanity. A person who respects their own time, needs and nature usually has more to give others, not less, because they give from a full cup rather than an empty one.

We often assume that a quick, unthinking answer is the most honest one, that the gut speaks the truth before the mind can tidy it up. A study suggests the opposite.

The experiment

Researchers asked about 1,500 people to answer yes or no to a series of statements, such as “Sometimes I get frustrated when I do not get what I want” and “I am always a good listener, no matter who I am talking to”.

Some participants were given plenty of time to answer. Others were pushed to respond within eleven seconds, leaving little room to think.

What they found

The psychologists found that the people under pressure, who had to answer fast, tended to give socially acceptable answers. Those who had time to reflect gave more authentic answers that showed who they really were.

In other words, time pressure does not reveal our true selves. Instead, it brings out the urge to present ourselves in a flattering light, even if that means misrepresenting what we really are, feel or think. Our automatic responses are shaped less by raw instinct than by the social habits we have absorbed over the years.

What it means for us

To get more honest answers, people need time to reflect, and room to loosen their guard so their real selves can come through. So if you truly want to know someone, and connect with them, do not put them under pressure.

The same applies to ourselves. When we need an honest answer about what we want or how we feel, it pays to slow down rather than blurt out the first reply.

Do you struggle to show people your real side? It may be because you are not leaving the right impression. You may be a person of strong morals and values, yet the way you act and present yourself leaves a lasting mark on those around you. So if you feel lately that people do not really get you, or do not see who you truly are, or if you would like others to see you differently, here is how to avoid giving the wrong impression.

Pay attention to how you present yourself

It may seem superficial, but people do sometimes judge a book by its cover. Some are in the habit of judging others by how they dress. So when you go somewhere with a dress code, follow it. This will not stop you from expressing your individuality.

Follow the rules

You may not agree with every rule you are expected to follow, but sometimes obeying them is for the best. Rules are usually made for a reason, and that reason deserves respect. Do not break rules just to prove you can. Try following them and see what happens. You may even find yourself more organised.

Discover your blind spots

Identify the things that might lead you to give the wrong impression in future. You could ask friends which parts of your personality annoy them most, and what they would like you to change. It may not be pleasant to hear, but you need to know how others see you.

A few cautions

• Watch not only how you come across in person, but also how you appear online.
• Do not simply copy someone else’s behaviour, and never try to be someone you are not.
• Do what you believe is right, not what people tell you to do just to make an impression.

The goal is not to perform for others. It is to remove whatever gets in the way, so that the good person you already are can be seen.

Are you someone who says what you think, or do you prefer to keep your opinions in tune with the crowd?

Some people are comfortable going along with the group. They buy what others buy, want what others want, and are swayed by the opinions around them. Others feel uneasy following the crowd. They want to stand apart. These people, sometimes called anti-conformists, have a strong need to be unique, and in a spirit of rebellion they make choices very different from those the rules dictate.

The twist

The hipster effect, also called the anti-conformist effect, describes a surprising result. People who oppose the mainstream often end up looking the same as one another, because they make very similar choices. They believe they are being unique, yet they behave and act just like the other non-conformists. They think they are not following any group, but in fact they are following the group of non-conformists. And so the very uniqueness they wanted is lost.

An everyday example

Some years ago, a number of men began growing beards to rebel against the expectation of always being clean-shaven. Soon so many men followed that the beard was no longer a novel statement. It simply became the new normal.

What we can take from it

The lesson is not that standing apart is pointless. It is that real individuality does not come from simply doing the opposite of the crowd, because that still lets the crowd decide your choices. It comes from asking what you actually value and choosing on that basis, whether the result happens to be popular or not.

The mind is sometimes like a small child. It accepts whatever it sees or hears, without judging it and without considering the consequences.

Few people notice the thoughts passing through their minds, because most thinking happens automatically. If you let your mind wander freely from one thought to the next, you quietly lose your freedom.

A constant flood

We are flooded every day with thoughts, ideas and information from our senses, from other people, from newspapers and from screens. All of this soaks into the mind whether we are aware of it or not.

That stream of thoughts shapes our behaviour and reactions. It shapes how we think, what we prefer, what we like and dislike. Usually we accept these thoughts without question and let them shape our lives, which means we give up some of our mental freedom.

Most people believe their thoughts come from themselves. But have you ever stopped to ask whether your thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes are truly yours? Might some of them have come from outside, from other people, and been accepted as your own without your noticing? If you do not filter what enters your mind, you are no longer entirely free. You let every passing thought steer your life. Leave your mind open to every idea that floats by, and you place your life in other people’s hands, accepting their thinking and acting on it.

Taking back control

If you want outside influences to have less hold on you, start noticing the thoughts and wishes that drift into your mind. Ask yourself whether you really like them, and whether you are willing to accept them into your life. Find out whether each thought is your own or someone else’s. Decide whether it is useful, and whether following it is truly good for you. This gives you more control over how you think.

It may not be easy at first, because your mind will probably resist being watched. But if you want to be the master of your mind and your life, do not let other people’s thoughts run it, unless you consciously choose to.

Understanding the myths and half-truths we hear repeated, and seeing them for what they are, lets you break free and find more joy than you thought possible. Whether you believe you can do something or believe you cannot, you will usually prove yourself right.

The Shinkansen effect takes its name from the Japanese word for the bullet train. It is a way of managing and resolving any kind of crisis, whether it concerns work, personal matters, relationships or the deeper questions of life.

The bullet train is a fitting image. Japan did not get one by making slow trains a little faster. It took a completely different approach. The Shinkansen effect asks the same of us: when something is truly not working, a bold shift often achieves what small tweaks never will.

Why it is hard

Applying it is not easy. It calls for a change of mindset in which you must embrace change, and most of us resist change even when we know we need it.

How to apply it

• Identify one area of your life that needs improvement.
• Examine the problem closely, and work out which habits you must change to reach the result you want.
• Talk to someone who has been through a similar situation. Seeing how they overcame it may inspire you.
• Seek the support of family and friends. It matters to have people around you who encourage you to change for the better.

A kind of new beginning

This is how radical change becomes possible. Ideally, you leave behind whatever drags you down and experience a kind of rebirth, which opens the way to the life you have always wanted.

Not every problem needs this approach. Many are solved by small, steady steps. But when you notice yourself making the same small adjustments again and again with nothing really changing, it may be time to stop tuning the old train and imagine a new track altogether.