Tag: Young Adults

Your lecturers play a large part in your university life, so it pays to stay in their good books. You do not have to be the teacher’s favourite or a straight-A student. Steering clear of a few habits is enough to be remembered for the right reasons.

Skipping sessions

Some modules require a minimum attendance to pass. Find out early, before it is too late. Even where no percentage is set, plan to attend every lecture, seminar and tutorial. Your absence is noted, and it counts against your commitment to the course.

Aiming only to pass

Students who do the bare minimum always get spotted. They want the certificate rather than the learning, so they come across as mediocre and make no effort beyond the required, whether in class or in group work.

Waving away feedback

Few things annoy a lecturer more than feedback that is ignored. Hearing that you have not done well is painful. Remember that the lecturer is there to help you improve, and cannot do so unless they show you where you fell short.

Being present but elsewhere

Turning up is not enough. Some students sit in the room while asleep, on their phones or lost in daydreams. That is disrespectful, and it wastes your own opportunity. Turn up rested and alert.

Staying silent

A lecturer can tell you are listening when you offer an opinion or ask a thoughtful question. More debate makes a lecture richer for everybody. If a question is on your mind, be bold and put it.

Chatting through the session

Talking to classmates about last night’s episode or your latest crush creates a hum that distracts the whole room. It annoys fellow students and the lecturer alike. Keep general chat for your breaks.

Lacking initiative

This is the cousin of the just-pass attitude. Mediocrity does not impress a lecturer. If you never go beyond the obvious, academics will expect little from you and will not think of you when a placement or internship needs a recommendation. Do not expect to be spoon-fed. Do the background reading and prepare before each lecture and seminar.

Asking off-topic questions

Some students pepper the lecturer with random questions to look engaged. Lecturers dislike the tactic, because answering them eats time that should be spent moving forward.

Playing the teacher’s pet

Volunteering for every task in the hope of a better grade or a glowing reference rarely works. Lecturers know the difference between someone who is honestly trying their best and someone with a sneaky agenda.

Your twenties are a time for experiments. Want to get there sooner? Fail twice as often. That sounds backwards until you notice that every successful person has a list of failures behind them. Some people mope and let it wear them down. Others push on and, in time, find their success. The difference lies in what they think the word means.

The only failure is not trying

At this stage of life, inaction is the one true failure. Everything else is trial and error. Mistakes are simply practice, and success is nearer than it looks. Positive thinking tends to produce better results, and not getting what you wanted can turn out to be a blessing. You are not your mistakes.

Beginners and masters see it differently

What a beginner dreads, a master goes looking for. Look at any field where performance is public: leadership, business, sport, music, acting. Each one produces moments other people call failure.

Take stand-up comedy. Standing alone on a stage with a microphone, hoping strangers will laugh and risking a heckle, is something almost nobody would choose. Yet the best comedians say that getting ready for a big show means bombing along the way. Their material needs trying out on a live crowd, and some of it will fall flat. The more successful the comedian, the more often they bomb. So why do the best keep going where most of us stop?

Two kinds of result

Because they separate two things. The external result is what happens in the room: laughter or silence. The internal result is what you feel about it. We do not act on external results. We act on our emotions, and those depend partly on our surroundings, partly on our beliefs and partly on our past experience.

A master who bombs has been there before, so the silence feels like information, and they leave encouraged or at least undiscouraged. A beginner has only met the fear of the external result. They avoid trying because they expect the bad feeling, and never learn that it can be turned into learning. When successful people talk about welcoming failure, they mean they look forward to results that differ from what they expected, because they know those results are not the end of the road.

What to do with this

Learn to tell the two apart. Once you can, you may read the external result any way you choose and turn it into growth. You may also ignore people who blur the picture with self-serving definitions of failure. Believe that you can, and the journey is half done.

Growing older does not make a person mature. Plenty of adults still react, dress and behave the way they did at eighteen, and everyone around them notices. Maturity is not a birthday. It is a set of choices, and it begins the day you start making them on purpose.

Immaturity simply means thinking, feeling or acting in ways that suit someone younger than you are. Every part of it can be changed. Here is where to begin.

Look after how you present

Start with the basics. A clean face and body, brushed and flossed teeth, and fresh clothes tell people you take yourself seriously. Set aside a few minutes each morning to check how you look before you leave. Dress to suit your age and the occasion as well. Even when you are young, dressing a little older and showing less skin draws the right kind of people towards you.

Understand people, and yourself

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand others and get along with them. It means paying attention to their perspective and their feelings, not only your own. The same skill points inward. Ask why you feel the way you do, then choose how to respond. Say what you feel, calmly, in words, instead of letting it spill out. Note the areas where you still act immaturely and act differently there.

Own your actions

Pointing the finger at others, staying quiet when your own beliefs are at stake, lying and acting on impulse all read as immaturity. So does arriving late to a meeting or a client call. Take responsibility instead. When people know they can depend on you, your reputation follows. Reach work meetings and events five to ten minutes early. Small punctuality builds large trust.

Choose your company and your risks

Risky behaviour is often the sign of an immature streak. Be discerning about the events you attend and the people you keep around you. Spend time with those who hold strong values, respect your views and will not push you into trouble.

Show that you care

Much of maturity is feeling for what other people need. Say openly that you back your friends, and show concern when they are struggling. Treat yourself and everyone else with respect, honesty, compassion and self-control.

Audit your reputation

If you have earned an immature reputation, good intentions alone will not repair it. Ask whether you truly have the traits that mark a mature person, such as loyalty, dependability and compassion. Decide how you want others to see you. Then identify the specific parts of your character that people read as immature and deal with them one by one. Reputations change through the choices you make from here on.

A short checklist

Put others before yourself. Respect your parents. Weigh other people’s feelings. Be comfortable in your own skin. Respect social norms. Pause before speaking. Keep your emotions in your own hands. None of this needs money or talent. It only needs a decision.

Every piece of interview advice points the same way. Prepare, dress well, sit straight, do not bluff. All of it is sound and all of it serves one question: how do you look to them.

Meanwhile a second assessment is running, and the material for it is being handed over free. For half an hour an organisation is behaving in front of you, under a little pressure, with no particular reason to perform beyond the ordinary. That is the only sample you get before committing years of your life to the place. Most candidates are too anxious to collect it.

Watch the moment after something goes wrong

Something usually does. A question lands badly. Somebody arrives late. A name is mispronounced. An answer comes out tangled and both sides hear it happen.

The moment after is worth more than everything said before it. A decent room steadies. Take your time. Let me put that differently. A poor room lets the silence stretch and watches you sit inside it. That is not a passing mood. That is how the place conducts itself when a person is struggling, and one day the person will be you, three months in, with something late.

Watch what happens when you do not know

Say plainly that you do not know something. You should be saying it anyway, since the alternative is worse. But notice the reply.

Some interviewers move straight on without a flicker, which tells you the place can live with the limits of the people inside it. Others hold the pause a beat too long, or exchange a look. A workplace where not knowing carries a small punishment is a workplace where nobody says early that a project is in trouble. You will discover that eventually. You can discover it now, at no cost.

Watch whether the questions have a purpose

Some questions are strange for a good reason. They are testing how you think when the ground is unfamiliar, and that is legitimate work.

Others are strange because nobody designed them. A question with no connection to the job, put with a straight face by somebody who has no idea what a good answer would sound like, is a small sign that hiring here is improvised. Hiring tends to be the most carefully designed process an organisation owns, because it is the one that gets examined from outside. If this is the improvised version, consider what the undesigned processes look like.

Watch whether the brief contradicts itself

Now and then a candidate is asked for something impossible. Be yourself, but not like that. Sound natural, but exactly like this. Name a figure, but do not be the first to name one.

Anybody can misspeak. The signal is what follows. If somebody in the room notices and untangles it, the place is able to correct itself in public. If the contradiction simply sits there and you are expected to resolve it silently and alone, you have learned how instructions arrive in that building, and you will be receiving them for as long as you stay.

Watch how the no is delivered

You may well not get the job. Most of the time you will not, and there is nothing remarkable about that.

How you are told is remarkable, and it is diagnostic. A short message inside a reasonable time costs almost nothing and is the floor, not the ceiling. Silence is a choice somebody made. So is leaving a candidate to work out the answer from the way they are walked to the door. An organisation that cannot bring itself to deliver an easy piece of bad news to a stranger has no practice at delivering a hard one to an employee.

Separate awkward from unkind

This is the part that keeps the whole exercise honest, so do not skip it. Most interviewers were never trained. Many are engineers or managers pulled out of their own work an hour earlier, more nervous than you assume and worse at this than they would like to be. Awkwardness is ordinary and it means almost nothing.

Unkindness is a different thing, and it is rarer than it feels from a chair where you are the one being judged. The line between them is whether the discomfort was aimed. A fumbled question is awkward. A question built so that every possible answer looks foolish is aimed. Grade the aimed ones and let the rest go.

Write it down the same evening

Here is the practical part, and it is the only instruction in this piece. Hope rewrites memory. Once an offer is sitting in front of you, everything you noticed goes soft, because by then you need it to have been fine.

So put down two or three lines the same evening, before you know the outcome, while you are still a stranger to the place. What did they do when something went wrong. What did they do when I did not know. If the offer arrives, read the note before answering. It was written by the only version of you who had nothing invested.

What holds up

The form will keep changing. Interviews have already moved from rooms to screens, and by the middle of the 2020s parts of the first round were being handled by software rather than people. Ten years from now the whole shape of it may be unrecognisable.

The question underneath survives all of that, because it was never really about interviews. It is about the only thing anybody can learn about a group of people in advance: how they behave when something goes slightly wrong, and whether their decency requires an audience.

Somebody sends you a list. Nine surprising facts about the human body. Five clever ways to handle difficult people. You read it in under a minute, one or two items lodge, and you pass it along. Almost nobody checks anything. That is not carelessness. These lists are built so that checking never occurs to you, and they are good at it.

The useful skill is not knowing which claims are true, because nobody has time for that. It is recognising the shape of a claim that has not earned belief yet. Four signs do most of the work.

One: the number with no parent

Take the claim that being funny makes you eighty-eight percent more attractive. The figure is doing all of the persuading, and it persuades because precision feels like measurement. Somebody must have counted something to land on eighty-eight rather than ninety.

Ask where it came from and there is nothing there. No study, no sample, no year. A real finding travels with its parents: who ran it, on how many people, and what they were careful to say it does not prove. Remove those and the number stops being evidence and becomes decoration cut into the shape of evidence. When a figure arrives orphaned, treat it as worth exactly what it would be worth with no figure attached at all.

Two: the answer that is too tidy

Consider the old line that you get your height from your father and your weight from your mother. It is neat, it is easy to carry, and it is wrong. Height comes from both parents, through many genes working together, and from what you ate while you were still growing. Weight has some inherited component too, and it does not arrive from one parent either; much of it is food, habit and circumstance.

Notice that the tidiness is the reason the claim survives. Real bodies, real markets and real people are messy, so honest descriptions of them come out correspondingly untidy: mostly, it varies, several things at once. A claim that sorts the world into two clean halves has usually been tidied by somebody, and what got swept out during the tidying was the truth.

Three: the item in the list that is not a fact

Read one of these lists to the end and you will often find a line that is not a fact at all. Follow for more. Subscribe. Link below. It sits among the facts wearing the same clothes as the facts.

That line tells you what the list is for. The items were not gathered because they were true. They were gathered because they travel well, and the request is the reason anybody bothered gathering. This does not make every item false. It does tell you that nobody along the chain had any reason to verify one, and that is enough to change how you hold it.

Four: nothing explains why it would work

This is the strongest of the four and the cheapest to run. Put one question to any claim: how would that happen?

Some claims answer at once. Fast music lifting your pulse has an obvious route, since a body tends to fall in with a rhythm it can hear. Others go quiet. Shaking your head to get your energy back offers no route at all, and the silence is the information. A claim with a mechanism can be argued with, tested, narrowed and improved. A claim with no mechanism can only be repeated.

Suspending judgement is not the same as ruling something false. Plenty of true things sat unexplained for years before anybody explained them. It means holding the claim loosely rather than passing it on as settled.

Why bother, when most of it is harmless

It is harmless, mostly. Nobody is injured by believing that gum sharpens the mind or that a pillow is the reason a back aches. That is precisely why the habit forms without meeting any resistance.

The cost is not in any single claim. It is that a mind which has waved through nine easy ones has no practice at stopping the tenth, and the tenth will be about money, or a medicine, or somebody’s character, and it will arrive dressed exactly like the other nine. Run the four tells on the trivia, where being wrong costs nothing, and they will be available when something is actually at stake.

What will not change

The claims circulating ten years from now will be different claims, and they will arrive by some route that does not exist yet. That does not matter. None of these four tests asks what a claim is about. They ask what shape it is: whether the number has a parent, whether the answer is suspiciously neat, whether something is being sold alongside it, and whether anybody can say how it would work. Shapes outlast subjects.

There are a great many things that can supply it. Watching somebody accomplish something considerable. Watching somebody come through adversity. A line from somebody who has thought harder about it than you have. The plain fact of being alive on a particular morning, which is easier to notice on some mornings than others.

The word makes it sound like weather. Look at the actual sources and something else becomes obvious: every one of them is a place you could go on purpose.

Possibility

Possibility means something achievable, or at least likely enough to attempt. And confirming that a thing is possible is itself the fuel, because it converts a vague wish into a task with a precedent.

Which tells you what to do when stuck. Do not look for encouragement. Look for a case. One person who has done the specific thing you are attempting is worth more than a month of general enthusiasm.

Somebody else managing it

Ask yourself plainly what inspires you, and think about the goals you actually hold. If you want to do well at something, read the accounts of people who did it.

The useful part is rarely the triumph at the end. It is the ordinary detail of how long it took and what it cost, which is the part that makes a difficult project look normal rather than exceptional. Read enough of them and you keep meeting the same figure: somebody with nothing at all at thirty-five or forty-five, who spent the next decade or two turning it round and ended up where they had meant to be. The lesson is not that it is never too late, which is a slogan. It is that the timescale you are silently assuming is probably too short.

Books

The power of literature needs no defending. When you want a thought of that kind, go to a writer you already trust. There may be a poem holding exactly what you would like to become, or a novel that assembles what you want without ever naming it.

And one piece of practical advice from the same source, better than it first appears. Write the lines out by hand and go back to them often. They turn into the thing you say to yourself when the work is hard, and a sentence read two hundred times arrives on its own, while one you have to go and look up does not arrive at all.

Experience, and the plain fact of the day

A life is made of memories and experiences, and the thought of collecting more of them keeps people going. We all want to experience things, large and small, and to reach the ones we have named.

The last source is the one that sounds like a platitude and is the only one always available. Being alive and reasonably well is itself the ground everything else stands on, and it is noticeable chiefly by its absence. Respect the life you have, and it will generally supply a reason to get on with the day.

Actions speak louder than words, and the saying is fair, because doing the thing takes courage and effort while saying it takes a moment. But words are not therefore weightless. They make and break relationships, and how a person expresses themselves can accelerate a career or quietly end one.

The poet Maya Angelou made the point that what lodges in somebody is not the deed or the sentence but the feeling they were left holding. And the feeling somebody is left holding is assembled largely out of the words used near them and the manner of their saying.

The imbalance

Everything moves quickly, thoughts and words included, and there is a gap between the two that shows up in one direction only.

The small compliment, the greeting with some warmth in it, is thought and then not said, because there was a rush on. Meanwhile the piece of criticism finds its way out easily, particularly on a day when we are having a bad one or are hurting about something unrelated.

So the unkind words clear the gap and the kind ones do not, and neither is a decision. That is the part worth noticing, because a habit can be altered and a character cannot be argued with.

The things we assume are known

How often do we stop and tell somebody what we appreciate about them? Usually not, on the reasoning that they must already know.

They generally do not. And even where they do, being told is a different event from knowing, in the same way that being paid is different from being owed.

Words carry more weight than we credit. The same sentence can be the thing that gives somebody the strength to keep going, or the careless one at the wrong moment that persuades them to stop.

Four that cost nothing

When something good happens, tell somebody. We are quick to pass on a bad experience and slow with the other kind, and the asymmetry is entirely habit.

Send a message to somebody you have lost touch with in the ordinary rush. Say you were thinking about them and what they mean to you.

Give somebody a compliment, and find a particular way to thank the people who do things that make your life easier, because those are precisely the people taken for granted.

And acknowledge ability and effort out loud where you see them. Somebody who has decided they are not good enough can be talked part of the way back. Be the person in whose company other people feel they are getting somewhere.

The one qualification

This only works while it is true. Praise handed out indiscriminately stops carrying information, and people can tell. Say the specific thing you actually noticed, and say nothing on the days you noticed nothing.

More people take up mindfulness and meditation every year, and a good many abandon it inside a fortnight. The reason is rarely the practice. It is the belief that there is a correct way to do it, a posture, a length, a time of day, and that anything short of the correct way does not count.

The useful correction is that meditation need not have a formalised method at all.

Where it can happen

One person finds it while scrubbing each utensil in turn. Another finds it lying in bed. Another simply notices how the body feels, without doing anything about it.

What those have in common is not calm. It is attention resting on one ordinary thing for a stretch, without commentary. That is the whole of the mechanism, and it is available in a kitchen at half past nine at night.

The obstacle is not the schedule

The neuroscientist Richard Davidson, whose research on meditation is among the most cited in the field, has made a point that gets less attention than it deserves. The difficulty in a crowded life is not finding a free half hour. It is separating from the gadgets, which will fill any half hour that becomes free.

That reframes the problem usefully. Somebody who says they have no time for this usually has the time and has already given it to something else, without deciding to.

And the return is practical rather than mystical. People who keep it up report managing things better in spite of being busy, which is a modest claim and the right size of one.

What to be careful of

The genre around this makes large promises. One writer quoted on the subject said it provides a calm that no pharmaceutical company could duplicate, which is a good line and is not a finding. The evidence supports something quieter: modest, real effects on stress and attention for people who practise regularly, and not a replacement for treatment where treatment is needed.

Take the modest version. It is the one that survives a bad week, and the grand version is what people give up when the bad week comes.

The smallest possible start

Choose something you already do daily with your hands. Do it once, at its own speed, with your attention on it and nothing else running. That is a session. Nobody has to be told about it and it does not need a cushion.

Walking is the least impressive item on any list of exercise, and what a single one sets off is a chain of events that runs for the whole hour and then keeps going. Here is the sequence, roughly as it arrives.

The first five minutes

Before you have noticed anything, the opening steps have already told your cells to put out the compounds that will fuel the walk. The heart lifts from something near seventy beats each minute towards a hundred, which pushes more blood around and warms the muscle. Stiff joints begin to ease, because they start producing the fluid that lets them run smoothly.

Five to ten

The heart climbs further and the rate of burn goes with it, several times what it was while you sat. The body wants more fuel than is immediately to hand, so it begins drawing on stored carbohydrate and stored fat. Pressure rises a little, and that is answered by compounds which widen the vessels, so that oxygen arrives faster where the work is being done.

Ten to twenty

Temperature keeps climbing and perspiration starts, because the small vessels under the skin open up to shed heat. A brisker pace pushes the burn higher again and the breathing gets deeper. Epinephrine and glucagon, two hormones, come up to move more fuel towards the working muscle.

Twenty to forty-five

This is the stretch people remember afterwards. You feel invigorated and, at the same time, you begin to unwind, as held tension goes and endorphins arrive. Fat is being burned harder now, and insulin falls.

Forty-five to sixty

Muscles may tire as the stored carbohydrate runs down. Cooling off, the heart slows and so does the breathing. You are burning less than at the peak and still more than you were before you set out, and that raised rate carries on for up to an hour after you have stopped and sat down.

Two honest notes

These figures are averages and the spread between individuals is wide. Age, weight, current fitness, pace and even the weather move all of them, so read the numbers as the shape of the thing rather than as a measurement of you.

And the arithmetic is not really the point. The point is that the entire sequence ran without one conscious instruction from you. You decided to put shoes on. Everything after that was handled by a body that has been rehearsing the routine for a very long time.

A good deal of our difficulty with emotion begins not in the feeling but in the description of it. Emotions become a problem when they are overwhelming, when they do not suit the situation, or when the unpleasant ones arrive too often. Intense ones are distressing, they interfere with carrying out the ordinary business of a day and with the way we interact with other people, so managing them matters. Managing begins with identifying, and most of us identify badly.

Label it

The first step is to name what you are experiencing, and the difficulty is that many of us do not do this accurately. We reach for a small set of words. We call it sadness when the thing in the room is actually frustration, or shame, or disappointment.

That matters because the three ask for completely different responses. Sadness generally wants company or time. Frustration wants an obstacle removed. Shame wants to be said out loud to somebody who will not flinch. Choose the wrong label, apply the wrong remedy, and conclude that nothing helps.

So the instruction is to become familiar with more of the range, the complex ones included. Contempt. Remorse. Love. A description cannot land accurately if the word for it was never in the set you use.

Rate it

The second step is to put a number on it, zero to ten, for how strongly the feeling is running at this moment.

This sounds like an exercise and it is doing something specific. Without a number, every unpleasant feeling occupies roughly the same space, which is all of it. With one, a three and a nine stop being the same event. You discover which feelings you are genuinely struggling with rather than which are simply loudest.

It has a second use, and this is the bonus in it. Ratings kept over some weeks become a tool for monitoring whether anything is improving. That is very hard to perceive from inside, because a feeling always presents itself as permanent.

Then look again

Having named one, check for others. It is common to be experiencing more than one emotion at a time, and the second is usually the one doing the work. Anger sitting on top of hurt. Irritation sitting on top of worry.

The honest part

None of this makes a feeling smaller, and a practice that promises to is selling something. What it does is make the feeling specific, and a specific thing can be acted on while a general heaviness cannot.

Like any strategy of the kind, it takes practice, and then practice again. The first several attempts feel artificial, because you are learning a vocabulary rather than discovering one you already had.