Tag: Adults

Do you avoid looking at your bills or bank statements? Does thinking about money make you anxious? Do you steer away from any conversation about your finances? People in financial denial often avoid thinking about or discussing their situation as a way of coping with the bad feelings it stirs up. If money is a problem, facing it early is the wisest move you can make. You need to be honest with yourself.

What separates the responsible from the avoidant

What separates people who are financially responsible from people in financial denial? The reasons vary, but one answer stands out: a willingness to fix money problems as and when they arise. Responsible people take action to set their finances right. Someone in denial cannot admit there is a problem at all.

Carrying an avoidant pattern around money, a person has negative thoughts about it that lead to negative feelings and behaviour. Instead of tackling the problem, they steer clear of anything to do with money. Because a money problem is hard to admit, or even to notice, here are two signs you may be in denial.

Living on the edge

For many people, living from one pay cheque to the next brings a strange thrill. They get a brief high from working out how to cover the bills and scraping through another month. It may feel exciting for a while, but the likelihood of disaster keeps growing.

Ignoring the full cost of debt

Someone in financial denial thinks about debt only in the narrow sense, focusing on what the monthly instalment will be rather than the bigger picture of what their debts and the interest on them will cost over time.

Find the cause and work towards a fix

• Acknowledge the problem. The first step to avoiding financial ruin is admitting there is a problem. Once you do, you can open your mind to steps that will change your situation for the better.
• Make a plan. Meet a reputable credit counselling service or a qualified financial planner and let them help you build a plan to pay off your debt and map out a better financial future.
• Build a daily routine. Check your balances every day, and set aside time each week to reconcile your accounts and pay your bills.

This is general guidance, not financial advice. For your own situation, speak to a qualified adviser.

A crisis in middle age shows up in many different ways, and whatever shape it takes, it can do real harm. If you learn to recognise its signs, you can help someone you love get through it, or notice it in yourself before it runs your life.

Worry about health

One early sign is a sudden anxiety about health. People in this phase may rush to a clinic at the faintest hint of illness, whether or not there is any real need.

A lasting low mood

Some people in a midlife crisis go through a low mood deep enough to spill into their activities and relationships. Friends, family and work may all start to be neglected. If a low mood lingers like this, the kindest step is to encourage the person to talk to a doctor or counsellor, not to wait for it to pass.

Life starts to feel dull

If someone who used to enjoy their job and was content at home now seems restless or indifferent, they may be heading into a midlife crisis. There are usually two very different reasons. Some people reach middle age and notice how many of their dreams went unfulfilled. Others react the opposite way, because they have already achieved so many of their career goals and wonder what comes next.

Feeling trapped

Some also feel trapped in a groove, unable to see any route to a better situation. They come to believe they have no options left for a better future.

How to help

None of these signs means someone is weak. Each is a sign that a person has reached a crossroads and is unsure which road to take. Patience, a listening ear and practical encouragement to try something new often do more than advice. The crossroads can become a fresh start, rather than a crisis, when nobody has to face it alone.

Whatever hardship lands in front of you, however many obstacles line up, your happiness should not vanish along with your good days.

Obstacles come and go

Every obstacle that arrives will also leave. It comes, and in time it goes. What belongs to you, though, should not leave with it. Happiness is your own property, and like anything you own, it needs looking after.

Think of the guest

Whenever a difficulty turns up, remind yourself that it has come in order to go. When a guest visits your home, you do not expect them to walk off at the end of the visit with everything you own. In the same way, an obstacle may stay for a while and then move on, but it has no right to take your happiness with it when it leaves.

Only you hold the key

Happiness should stay with you through the good days and the hard ones. Other people and events can shake it, but only you have the power to decide whether you remain content. That is not a burden; it is a freedom. Nobody else can hand your happiness out, and nobody else can take it away unless you let them.

A simple practice

Next time something goes wrong, say quietly to yourself: this is a guest, not a new owner. Deal with it, host it if you must, and then see it to the door, with your happiness still safely at home.

Being brave does not mean feeling no fear. It means moving forward while the fear is still there.

Listening is an important skill, and like any skill it has to be developed. Active listening matters at work, at school, at home and in social situations. It lets you learn, it helps you make fewer mistakes, and it means you get the job done right the first time.

Where it matters most

Few things are more stressful and overwhelming than starting a business. The moment you decide to take the leap and become an entrepreneur, you are wearing several hats at once and carrying countless responsibilities. Under that pressure, many founders slip into the role of the boss and turn into dictators, letting their title cloud their judgement.

Talk like a person, not a title

Instead, communicate just as you would in an ordinary conversation. Speak, yes, but above all, listen. People open up to someone who hears them, and close down in front of someone who only issues orders.

Listen beyond your own conversations

Keep your ears open outside the conversations you are part of as well. When you are always listening, you pick up on things across the organisation that could be done better. Acting on them makes your team happier and more productive, and it also shows up in your results.

The quiet advantage

The person who listens most usually knows the most. Fewer misunderstandings, fewer repeated tasks and a team that feels heard are all worth more than the satisfaction of having the last word.

Do not worry that taking a break will cost you your place at work. You will come back recharged, refreshed and with renewed confidence.

Do you feel as if your wheels are spinning and you are getting nowhere? If work is taking up far too much of your life, it is time to step back and find a better way to balance your energy. Here are the signs that a proper break is overdue.

You are running on empty

Sleep is an essential part of life; accept it. Your body only repairs itself while you sleep, and most adults need between six and eight hours to feel refreshed. If you have been short-changing yourself, it is time to recover.

You are spinning out of control

Work stress, sleeplessness, guilt and an overloaded diary together make a perfect recipe for losing your balance. To get your feet back on the ground, take a hard look at what you are doing and remove unrealistic expectations, negativity and pointless busy work from your life.

You are neglecting your family

Trying to prove your worth at work by putting in endless hours leaves you ignoring your family and feeling guilty about it. Leave the office on time, let go of work the moment you walk through your front door, and drop the guilt entirely.

You are losing touch with friends

If all you think about is work and family, running non-stop day and night, and you cannot remember the last time you laughed with a friend, stop the madness now. Call your friends and meet up to catch up.

You are boring yourself

If your routine is so fixed that on a weekend you drive to the office by habit instead of to the café where your friends are waiting, you need a break. Routines give us security, but breaking the pattern now and then prevents burnout and boredom.

You are burning out

Constant stress and always being on the go can leave you unmotivated, short of confidence and teetering on the edge of burnout. If you want the energy and vitality your life deserves, you have to take time to recharge your batteries.

You are snapping at the world

Are you irritable, short-tempered and overbooked? Taking your frustration out on others when you feel wound up damages your relationships. Instead of having to apologise later for words said in haste, go for a walk, let off some steam and stop being so grumpy.

Do you sometimes feel you cannot stop giving yourself a hard time? Being harsh with yourself only makes problems bigger.

When things do not go your way, it is easy to turn hard and bitter. There is nothing wrong with feeling low when life is tough, but remember that bad times do not last for ever. If you can get past the bitterness, the bad times actually end sooner. Avoiding that trap is not always easy, but these steps help.

Find the root cause

Working out what is making you bitter is the first step to recovering. Whether you are going through a breakup and feel the sting of seeing other happy couples, or you are simply unhappy with how your life has turned out, identify the source first.

Make small changes

Changing your life is easier when you do it one small step at a time. If a change feels too big to manage alone, you are probably trying to do too much at once. Taking it step by step works especially well for overcoming bitterness and a negative outlook in general.

Quieten the overthinking

Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Remember that you do have control over it, even when it does not feel that way. When you are bitter, your mind becomes the enemy, and it gets harder to hold back the negative thoughts that keep circling.

Notice the little things

Learning to enjoy the small things you normally take for granted is a big step towards letting go of bitterness.

Face problems squarely

Instead of punishing yourself when you fail, learn to get past failure. Work on your weak spots and close the gaps.

Go easy on yourself

Making peace with, and sincerely regretting, whatever contributed to how you feel is one of the best ways to leave the negativity behind. Practise positive self-talk and release any hard feelings you hold towards yourself before they grow into a bigger problem.

Allow yourself a treat

One more thing makes each day a little happier: treating yourself. Whatever you enjoy, a favourite dessert or a new pair of shoes you have had your eye on, go and enjoy it now and then. At the end of the day, you need to be kind to yourself too.

Some people and circumstances will always be beyond our control. Our response to them goes a long way towards deciding the quality of our lives.

The teacher who hired an irritant

Old stories tell of wise teachers who welcomed an annoying pupil into their community. One even describes a teacher who paid a tiresome man to stay among his pupils. To ordinary eyes, that makes little sense. Why invite trouble in?

Seen from the angle of inner growth, though, irritation can be a valuable teacher and a useful signal of progress. Staying calm and alert while you feel uncomfortable is far more impressive than staying calm when everything is arranged to suit you. However good we become at managing our surroundings, some things and some people will always be beyond our control.

Growth is not about controlling everything

The aim of personal growth is not to control our environment; that wish comes mostly from the ego. Having some influence over what happens around us matters, of course. But the real measure is what we do when a person or situation irritates us and we choose not to react. That is when we know we have grown. Only once we have mastered our inner world do we truly become the masters of our lives.

Where patience is actually built

If we never learn to handle irritations gracefully, we move further away from the qualities that come with maturity: patience, tolerance and acceptance. It is exactly the people and moments that grate on us that give us the chance to build those qualities. Life offers plenty of such chances every day.

A small practice

The next time someone gets under your skin, treat it as a rep in a mental gym. Notice the flash of irritation, take one breath before you answer, and ask what response the calmest version of you would give. Each time you manage it, the muscle gets a little stronger.

Staying encouraged is a real challenge, and sometimes a small hobby or habit is what gets you through.

Have you ever tried to talk yourself into a task you have always wanted to do? It helps to have a few activities ready that motivate you, especially on days when you are your own sole supporter. Here are three that work.

Post sticky notes

The beauty of sticky notes is that they can go anywhere: around the house, on a mirror, even in the car. Jot down short, cheering lines addressed to yourself and put them where your eyes will land. Whenever you feel low or discouraged, the notes are waiting to remind you to keep going. It is a small act, but it means your own best voice is always within reach.

Take up photography

This creative hobby reliably lifts the spirits. Taking part in photo shoots builds confidence and helps you feel good about how you look. It takes courage to step in front of a camera and give your best, and you may find you are exactly that kind of person. Photography also pairs naturally with travel; the two go together like bread and butter, and each makes the other richer.

Read uplifting books

At times, someone else’s ideas are exactly what steer you the right way. Motivational reading is good for building both knowledge and confidence. Reading something uplifting exists to improve how you live, and there are plenty of books written to do just that.

The common thread

Each of these puts encouragement somewhere you can reach it without waiting for anyone else: on a note, behind a lens, or on a page. On the days nobody is cheering, you can still cheer yourself.

You can stop other people’s thoughtlessness from getting under your skin by choosing how you react and how you communicate. The irritation is theirs to create; whether it lands is up to you.

Ignore the careless person

If someone thoughtless is bothering you, you are free to disregard them. You can simply not respond. If you are in a group, turn your attention to someone else. Silence is often the quickest way to take the sting out of a provocation.

Do not take the bait for an argument

When someone is itching to argue, just do not. It is not your job to show them how immature they are by getting drawn into petty quarrels. Every argument you decline is time and energy you keep for yourself.

Remember that nobody can read minds

Stop inventing stories in your head, such as believing the person in front of you is walking slowly on purpose to make you late. Most people who annoy us have no idea they are doing it. The story we tell ourselves about their intentions is usually far worse than the truth.

Speak up kindly when you must

If something does need saying, there is no need to be rude. Tell the person politely that their behaviour is not what you expected. A calm word usually works better than a sharp one, and it leaves your own dignity intact.

The quiet principle

Every minute you spend fuming about someone else’s behaviour is a minute they are living in your head without paying rent. Protect that space. Decide who gets your attention, and let the rest pass by.

Some breakups cannot be avoided, and sometimes staying in a relationship drains you more than leaving it. Either way, life has to go on, and it helps if it goes on well. Here are some ways to heal emotionally after a breakup.

Why it hurts so much

When love is taken away, it affects you deeply. Once the emotional bond is cut, the pain is real. It comes from having trusted your partner with your heart and then having that trust broken. It can feel unbearable, and you may wonder whether you will ever recover and whether the ache will ever fade. Healing is possible, as long as you allow the process to happen. Once you have healed, you will recover and can move on with your life.

Let grief move through you

You do not manage grief; grief manages you. It behaves like a sudden storm far out at sea. It arrives without warning, and however hard you try to dodge it or push it down, you cannot. Let the tears, the shouting and the sobbing come out. If you need to cry, cry. Grief needs to be released, the same way the body sometimes simply has to let something out. You have no choice about it, and there is no shame in it.

Do not carry it alone

Do not suffer in silence. Kept inside, the pain can grow and spill into almost every part of your life, including your other relationships. Open up to a person you are close to, or one who truly gets you, and describe what is going on inside.

Acknowledge and understand

It is normal and human to go through a whole range of feelings. Disappointment and hurt follow every breakup. Even so, learn gradually to steer those feelings towards something more productive.

Make new friends

Some people feel awkward reaching out to their usual circle straight after a breakup. New acquaintances can ease that. When you would rather avoid being quizzed about what happened, or face the subject with people who know you well, spend time with new acquaintances until you have healed. Meanwhile, do not neglect or embarrass the people who have stood by you all along.