Tag: Parents

We often assume that a quick, unthinking answer is the most honest one, that the gut speaks the truth before the mind can tidy it up. A study suggests the opposite.

The experiment

Researchers asked about 1,500 people to answer yes or no to a series of statements, such as “Sometimes I get frustrated when I do not get what I want” and “I am always a good listener, no matter who I am talking to”.

Some participants were given plenty of time to answer. Others were pushed to respond within eleven seconds, leaving little room to think.

What they found

The psychologists found that the people under pressure, who had to answer fast, tended to give socially acceptable answers. Those who had time to reflect gave more authentic answers that showed who they really were.

In other words, time pressure does not reveal our true selves. Instead, it brings out the urge to present ourselves in a flattering light, even if that means misrepresenting what we really are, feel or think. Our automatic responses are shaped less by raw instinct than by the social habits we have absorbed over the years.

What it means for us

To get more honest answers, people need time to reflect, and room to loosen their guard so their real selves can come through. So if you truly want to know someone, and connect with them, do not put them under pressure.

The same applies to ourselves. When we need an honest answer about what we want or how we feel, it pays to slow down rather than blurt out the first reply.

The mind is sometimes like a small child. It accepts whatever it sees or hears, without judging it and without considering the consequences.

Few people notice the thoughts passing through their minds, because most thinking happens automatically. If you let your mind wander freely from one thought to the next, you quietly lose your freedom.

A constant flood

We are flooded every day with thoughts, ideas and information from our senses, from other people, from newspapers and from screens. All of this soaks into the mind whether we are aware of it or not.

That stream of thoughts shapes our behaviour and reactions. It shapes how we think, what we prefer, what we like and dislike. Usually we accept these thoughts without question and let them shape our lives, which means we give up some of our mental freedom.

Most people believe their thoughts come from themselves. But have you ever stopped to ask whether your thoughts, desires, likes and dislikes are truly yours? Might some of them have come from outside, from other people, and been accepted as your own without your noticing? If you do not filter what enters your mind, you are no longer entirely free. You let every passing thought steer your life. Leave your mind open to every idea that floats by, and you place your life in other people’s hands, accepting their thinking and acting on it.

Taking back control

If you want outside influences to have less hold on you, start noticing the thoughts and wishes that drift into your mind. Ask yourself whether you really like them, and whether you are willing to accept them into your life. Find out whether each thought is your own or someone else’s. Decide whether it is useful, and whether following it is truly good for you. This gives you more control over how you think.

It may not be easy at first, because your mind will probably resist being watched. But if you want to be the master of your mind and your life, do not let other people’s thoughts run it, unless you consciously choose to.

Understanding the myths and half-truths we hear repeated, and seeing them for what they are, lets you break free and find more joy than you thought possible. Whether you believe you can do something or believe you cannot, you will usually prove yourself right.

The Shinkansen effect takes its name from the Japanese word for the bullet train. It is a way of managing and resolving any kind of crisis, whether it concerns work, personal matters, relationships or the deeper questions of life.

The bullet train is a fitting image. Japan did not get one by making slow trains a little faster. It took a completely different approach. The Shinkansen effect asks the same of us: when something is truly not working, a bold shift often achieves what small tweaks never will.

Why it is hard

Applying it is not easy. It calls for a change of mindset in which you must embrace change, and most of us resist change even when we know we need it.

How to apply it

• Identify one area of your life that needs improvement.
• Examine the problem closely, and work out which habits you must change to reach the result you want.
• Talk to someone who has been through a similar situation. Seeing how they overcame it may inspire you.
• Seek the support of family and friends. It matters to have people around you who encourage you to change for the better.

A kind of new beginning

This is how radical change becomes possible. Ideally, you leave behind whatever drags you down and experience a kind of rebirth, which opens the way to the life you have always wanted.

Not every problem needs this approach. Many are solved by small, steady steps. But when you notice yourself making the same small adjustments again and again with nothing really changing, it may be time to stop tuning the old train and imagine a new track altogether.

One of the hardest truths to accept is our own imperfection. Most of us find it easy to point out other people’s flaws, yet the moment someone mentions ours, we turn defensive. If you find it hard to recognise and accept your own mistakes, try these three approaches.

Keep an open mind

A closed mind can hide your faults from you completely, because it persuades you that your beliefs are all correct and that whatever lies beyond your principles must be mistaken. In that case, the mistake itself may be insisting that you alone are right and everyone else is wrong.

Welcome constructive criticism

Do not get hurt or angry when someone gives you negative feedback. Instead of brushing it off, treat it as constructive criticism. Weigh whether the comments are true. If they hold true, have the humility to admit that a change is due.

Review your words and actions

Another way to spot your mistakes is to look back at your actions, words and decisions. The best method is to imagine yourself on the receiving end of them. If someone says you have hurt them, put yourself in their place and try to feel what your action felt like to them.

Why it matters

Recognising a mistake is not the same as punishing yourself for it. It is simply the first step to doing better. People who can say “I got that wrong” tend to grow faster, keep friendships longer and earn more trust, because others know they will be dealt with honestly. Owning your mistakes is a strength, not a weakness.

We all indulge in things we know are not good for us. There are a couple of reasons we keep doing them anyway, and understanding them makes change far easier.

They give us comfort

The first reason is our need for comfort, and our readiness to do whatever delivers it. Everything we do serves some purpose, whether or not we notice it, and comfort is the purpose hiding behind most of it.

The brain is built to chase reward, and for most of us the reward is that feeling of comfort. It triggers the release of dopamine, the feel-good chemical. That makes us crave more of it, and we start linking the good feeling with the habit itself.

This is why bad habits are so hard to stop. They feel comfortable, a kind of safe zone. We are drawn to the reward even while knowing the habit harms us. A cigarette on a work break gets linked in the brain with freedom from work. A drink gets linked with relaxing and letting go after a hard week.

Meanwhile, the idea of exercising, or making any kind of effort, loses out to the far easier idea of settling on the sofa watching a favourite programme. You can see how tightly a habit is tied to its reward.

Everyone else seems to do it

The second reason is that we excuse our bad behaviour when society as a whole seems to accept it. If huge numbers of people are doing the same thing, surely it must be fine for us too. Socially accepted bad habits are everywhere: snacking, skipping exercise, even smoking. We like to follow the crowd.

Using this knowledge

Once you see the mechanism, you can work with it. Ask what comfort a habit is giving you, and look for a healthier way to get the same feeling. Notice when “everyone does it” is doing your thinking for you. A habit loses much of its power once you understand what it is really offering.

A compliment is one of the fastest and easiest ways to help someone feel better about themselves. And there is a bonus: saying something kind to another person makes you feel good as well.

The most memorable compliments rarely mention appearance. They speak to who a person is and what they bring to your life. Here are some worth saying, when you truly mean them:

• You help me see the world in a way no one else has.
• You remind me that people can be good.
• There is a real gentleness in the way you look at people.
• I never knew how much a friendship could mean until ours began.
• You are an inspiration to me.
• Your strength amazes me.
• You are wonderful company. Even on days when we do nothing at all, simply being with you leaves me content.
• Nobody makes me laugh the way you do.
• You have such a good heart.
• You make me want to be a better person.
• Just having you around is reassuring.
• I want to grow into someone like you.
• You are achieving so much. Every day you grow into a stronger, better version of who you were yesterday.
• You bring out the best in the people around you.
• You are more helpful than you realise.

Making it count

A compliment works only when it is honest. Choose the one that fits the person in front of you, and say it plainly, without waiting for a special occasion. Many people carry doubts about themselves that they never mention. A single sincere sentence from you may be the thing they remember for weeks.

To let someone be fully themselves, you have to set aside your judgements about them, their situation and their point of view. When you consciously remember to give people that freedom, you also remind yourself that you want the same space. Practise it, and your relationships change. A sense of freedom enters them, leaving room for you to express who you are and to become more yourself.

Why it is hard

Being genuinely yourself around others is difficult because of the conditioning we absorb from childhood onwards. Much of it happens without our noticing. We play roles, we grow up, and we learn to protect ourselves and our feelings from other people. In time this becomes so habitual that we live on autopilot.

The protection we think we gain by hiding who we are is really created by fear. We fear being exposed, judged and found unworthy. So we keep people out, because there is little trust. That fear isolates us, and deep down we feel lonely, even when we do not appear to be.

Trust is the key

When we trust someone, we feel we can be ourselves around them. When you let others be themselves, you set aside your judgements about them and their ideas. That creates the safety they need to feel free, and to feel at home with you.

Think about the people you count as your closest friends. Very often they are the ones who let you be you, even when you make mistakes or believe things they do not. Deep down, we trust those who do not judge us for our thoughts or our past.

So offer that same space to everyone you meet. Notice how much freer you feel as you set others free.

Long ago, a man came to the Buddha hoping for help. He described one of his problems in detail and asked how he could get rid of it.

“I cannot help you with this problem,” the Buddha said. The man was surprised. He described another problem. Surely the wise one could help him with this at least?

The Buddha only smiled gently. “I cannot help you remove this one either.”

Now the man lost his patience. “How can you be called enlightened if you cannot help people solve their problems?”

The Buddha answered calmly. “You will always have eighty-three problems. Now and then one of them will go away, but another will soon take its place. That I cannot change.”

More puzzled than ever, the man asked, “Then is there any help you can give me at all?”

“I can help you with the eighty-fourth problem,” said the Buddha.

“And what is that?” asked the man.

“The fact that you want to be rid of the other eighty-three.”

What the story points to

The number is not meant literally. The point is that life always carries a certain load of difficulty. As one trouble is solved, another arrives. If we believe peace will come only once every problem is gone, we will wait forever, and that waiting becomes a problem of its own, often the heaviest one.

This does not mean giving up on solving things. Fix what you can. But stop treating problems as an insult, as proof that life has gone wrong. They are simply part of being alive. Once we stop resenting their presence, they become much lighter to carry, and we meet them with a clearer head.

The eighty-fourth problem is the only one fully within our control. Let it go, and the other eighty-three lose much of their weight.

Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning good change: “kai” for change and “zen” for good. In business it describes continuous improvement in every function, at every level, from the head of the company to its most junior worker. It does not matter whether a change is large or small, as long as it is a change for the better.

The same idea works beautifully in personal life. Kaizen’s ground rules can be a real friend in tough situations. They keep your mind open, keep your attention on solutions rather than problems, help you deal with resistance, and give you fresh motivation when things feel stuck. Here they are.

Discard your fixed ideas

Most of us hold firm views about how things should be done and what matters, often only because we have always done them that way. Many of our values were also handed to us in childhood and school, so it makes sense to respect them. Still, stay willing to change. Whenever one idea has you stuck, try imagining the reverse: what if you held the opposite belief, or took the opposite action?

Treat problems as opportunities

Problems are chances to find solutions, develop your talents and grow. In a sense, they are your biggest opportunity: every fresh problem is a prompt for fresh ideas. Waste can nearly always be turned into gold. Injured and unable to train? Some kind of movement is almost always still possible. Work them out with your doctor and share them with others who have the same injury. Poor posture and an uncomfortable chair? Perhaps you design a far better one for people with the same trouble.

Do not blame your surroundings

Casting yourself as the victim of your surroundings surrenders every bit of your power to change things. Lighting one small candle beats complaining about the dark. Look for what is good, and more good tends to appear. Settle accounts with your past for good, then live fully in the present without holding your circumstances responsible.

Seek the wisdom of ten people

Do not lean on a single person’s knowledge. Each of us views the world through a personal lens and from a particular angle. Gather several viewpoints and you move nearer to the whole truth, and your understanding deepens. And the more ideas you gather from different people, the easier it becomes to combine them into something new.

Choose simple over perfect

Perfect timing does not exist, and neither does a perfect solution. Do not delay improvements while you wait for one. Choose a simple fix you can put in place right away, and start. Simplicity beats complexity almost every time.

Like anything worth pursuing, a positive outlook and a happier, more fulfilling life take effort. But what if you could do less and be even happier? You can. It comes down to what you do, not how much of it. Here are five things worth doing less of.

Complaining

Sometimes simply airing a grievance helps us feel a little better. But nobody wants to be around someone who constantly talks gloom and doom. The next time a complaint is about to come out, stop before you start. The old advice holds true: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Judging

We are all guilty of this. Before you hurry to a verdict about someone, stop and give them the benefit of the doubt. Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know little about. Perhaps you would not have handled it any better yourself.

Blaming

Own your part, and stop pointing at others when something goes wrong. At the same time, be fair to yourself. Take responsibility when things go right as well, and let yourself feel the credit.

Worrying

Worrying does let us walk through different possibilities and rehearse how we might respond. But most of what we worry about is not worth the mental space it takes up. Let those worries go, and win back some of your peace of mind.

Overthinking

You have made a list of pros and cons. Perhaps a whole spreadsheet. You have asked your friends and family, and you still cannot decide. Sometimes the best move is to trust your gut and save your energy for the decisions that truly matter.

Notice the pattern. Each of these five habits costs energy and gives very little back. Doing less of them is not laziness. It is making room for the things that actually make life rich.