Tag: Parents

Your life is very much your own design. Outside forces play a large part in shaping who you become, and so do the resources you happen to have. But the things you did, and the things you did not do, are what brought you to where you stand today. If we want to build the life we wish for, we have to look honestly at what our life is made of. Without that honest review, we cannot make the changes that would carry us towards something better. Here are the areas worth examining.

Your work

For most people, earning a living is less a choice than a necessity, and that often leaves us somewhere we would rather not be. Sometimes you must do things you do not especially want to do. Even so, keep doing your best to move towards the work you truly want.

Your hobbies

Everyone needs some way to spend time outside sleeping, eating and working. Yet a good number of the pastimes we pick end up doing more harm than good. A good hobby should be both enjoyable and beneficial. Try learning something you always wanted to learn, and give time to a pursuit you genuinely love.

Your friends

Friends can lift you towards great things, or become the weight that pulls you down. Many people keep friends who are quietly harmful to their lives. We tend to become like the people we spend our time with. Look honestly at the company you keep.

Your choices

Some of us make the same poor decisions again and again, hoping for a different result. If you do not love the life you are living, the cause is often a pattern of poor choices. Do not just act. Pause and pick apart your decisions before you make them.

Your time

Time is the most valuable resource there is. If anyone could sell it, they would be the richest person on earth. Nobody has managed that yet, so spend the little you have wisely. Time spent productively always pays back.

Your view of change

Accept change, and trust that something can be learned from it. The reason may not be clear at first, but it usually proves worthwhile. Whatever you hold today could be gone by tomorrow. Life moves fast and can swing from calm to chaos in seconds. A single moment can change the direction of a life.

Your sense of reality

We all see the world differently, and each of us carries a private picture of how things work. Very often, that picture does not match the world as it actually is, and we reach conclusions that are simply not true. Questioning our own picture is part of being honest with ourselves.

Have you ever stopped to think how much power sits in the ordinary words you say each day? Could the things that drift out of your mouth, almost without thought, actually shape the outcomes and situations of your life?

Words carry an effect

Think about where your words come from. They are the visible end of your thoughts and beliefs, and those patterns of thought go a long way to shaping a life. They help predict how content and fulfilled you will feel on a given day, or how hopeless and low.

When you speak in the right way, you start to trust yourself more, and your confidence grows. Your staying power increases, and the feeling of being stuck begins to fade. Fear, worry, putting things off and the nagging sense of not having enough all start to loosen their grip.

The opposite is just as true. Speak negatively and think negatively, and you can trap yourself in a loop of fear, scarcity and low self-worth. Could your words be far more important than you have assumed? Could what you say every day affect how happy, healthy and prosperous you become?

Listen to yourself

If you want more happiness and a sense of plenty in your life, start by noticing the words you actually use. Become mindful of them. Listen to what you are saying as if you were someone else hearing it.

When something negative slips out, do not scold yourself. Simply notice it, and get curious about where it came from. Then begin choosing your words with a little more care.

As you keep at it, watch how your outlook shifts and your view of things changes for the better. Kinder, steadier words tend to invite kinder, steadier days. Like any practice, it improves with repetition, and you can begin this very morning.

Your words matter more than you may ever have realised. Start choosing good ones now.

Verbal bullying is a form of hostility or aggression carried out with words alone. It can happen to children or adults, to anyone of any gender, at home, at school or at work. The bully, sometimes called the aggressor, deliberately tries to hurt the target with taunts and mockery.

Not every bully is the same. Different bullies are driven by different reasons, and so there are different ways for a person on the receiving end to respond. Understanding the type you are facing makes it easier to choose the right response, and to stop taking the attack personally.

The self-absorbed bully

This kind of bully is indifferent to how others feel and lives absorbed in their own world. On the surface they appear self-assured and full of confidence, but underneath they are deeply self-centred. Their cruelty is not really about you. It is about feeding their own sense of importance.

The crowd-following bully

Another kind of bully is strongly swayed by the behaviour of the people around them. They may in fact be unhappy and low in self-esteem, and they join in the verbal bullying to win or keep a place in their social group. This kind of bullying is very common among children and teenagers, who can easily give in to peer pressure.

What this means for the rest of us

Seeing a bully clearly takes away some of their power. The taunts say far more about the bully’s own needs than about the person they target. For parents and teachers, the second type is a reminder that a child who bullies may also be a child who is struggling, and that the group around them matters as much as the child. And for anyone on the receiving end, the most important step is not to carry it alone. Speak to someone you trust.

Mindfulness is nothing more than the ability to stay present and awake to each moment, whatever is going on around us. Yet in modern life most of us rush through the day with barely enough time to dress, eat and get to work. Who really has time to pause and enjoy the flowers along the way? What we miss is that mindfulness does not need much time at all. It can be practised anytime, anywhere, and it can lift the whole quality of life.

You have probably heard of the benefits already, but in brief: better well-being, better performance in all parts of life, more happiness and aliveness, more enjoyment of the day, less stress as you rush about, more awareness of how busy you are, and better relationships and work. Many people also find their sleep improves. With all that on offer, why not practise it? If the honest answer is that you are too busy, read on. Here are ways to weave mindfulness into what you already do.

Meditate in a queue

Standing in a queue, you are doing nothing anyway, sometimes for several minutes. Make good use of it. Close your eyes and follow your breathing, or, if that feels awkward in public, rest your gaze on a wall or anything else that is not distracting, and breathe. It turns time that would be wasted into time that restores you.

Meditate on your cup of tea

Turn your daily cup of tea or coffee into a small meditation, and it tastes even better. Listen to the kettle as it boils. Pay attention to each step of making the drink. Then drink it mindfully. You will enjoy it more, and you will be more present too.

Walk mindfully

Walking can be one of the most relaxing activities there is, but it is easily spoiled by thinking too much. As you walk, notice the world around you, and feel the movement in your legs, as people do in the practice of walking meditation.

Eat with attention

Eating mindfully is one of the best things we can do for body and mind. It makes us more aware of our food, more grateful for it and for the body that digests it, and more likely to eat well. Take your time over meals and keep your attention on the food.

Exercise body and mind together

Often, while the body exercises, the mind is busy brooding. Exercise can train both if we stay focused on what we are doing. Yoga and gentle flowing practices are excellent for this, and so are walking and running.

When working, work

Let us be honest: most of us do not give work our full attention. We think about being somewhere else. Dreaming about not working while at work only makes us miserable. When the whole mind is on the task, we actually start to enjoy it. When writing, write. When listening to a complaint, listen. Even a chore becomes a calmer, more pleasant experience.

Rest the mind along with the body

How often have you gone to bed worrying about tomorrow? That is not real rest. When the body lies down, let the mind lie down too. Start at the top of your head. Notice any tension, and imagine breathing fresh air into it until it eases. Then move to your forehead, eyes, nose, mouth and neck, step by step, all the way down to your feet. It is deeply relaxing, and one of the best ways to refresh the mind.

Are you the person who sits in the background and rarely says much? When someone says something that upsets you, do you let it pass without a word? If so, you may be doing yourself more harm than good. It is right not to belittle other people’s thoughts. But it is just as important, for your own sake, to share some of yours.

People today seem extra careful about every word they say. Everyone tries to avoid offending anyone. Yet all of us want to be understood and listened to, to be seen as worthwhile for who we are. If you have something meaningful to say but are scared to speak up, remember this: frightening as it seems at first, speaking up brings rich rewards and real breakthroughs. You become more authentic, your relationships grow stronger, and you feel better about yourself. A good rule to hold on to: speak clearly, if you speak at all, and shape every word with care before you let it go. If you are still afraid, here are some things to remember.

Silence can be a form of self-harm

Have you spent much of your life trying to silence yourself, to become quieter, smaller, less sensitive? Perhaps because you did not want to be too much for people, wanted to make a good impression and fit in. For much of your life you may have given up a part of yourself, your need to be heard, so as not to step on anyone’s toes. That silence has a cost, and you have been the one paying it. When you give yourself permission to say openly what matters to you, a quiet peace grows inside, even if you meet rejection or disapproval. Giving voice to your heart helps you let go and grow into a better person.

Your voice has power

We all want the same deep things: to be valued and loved, to be happy and fulfilled, to feel secure and hopeful about the future. What makes each of us different is the way we pursue them, and your voice is one of the main ways you do that.

Three reasons to say what you think

• Words left unsaid breed anxiety. You replay the moment again and again, acting out different endings in your head.
• Sharing your thoughts can inspire others. They may follow your lead and speak up when the situation calls for it.
• Standing up for what you believe encourages others to do the same. None of us is alike, so let others learn from you, and learn from them in return.

Keeping a diary of exactly how you spend your time through the day is one of the most powerful ways to discover how to use it better. It sounds almost too simple to matter. Yet a time diary can be far more useful than you would expect. Here is what it does for you.

It shows you patterns

A time diary lets you see the patterns and trends, good and bad, in how you spend your hours. Things that feel random from the inside often turn out to follow a clear rhythm once they are written down.

It shows what affects your productivity

You begin to see which activities make the biggest difference to how much you get done. For example, you may notice how strongly a good night’s sleep affects your motivation the next day.

It makes you think twice

When you know you will have to write it down, you start to second-guess yourself before spending time on things that matter little. The diary becomes a gentle conscience.

It tests your priorities

Perhaps most usefully, it shows whether the way you spend your time matches what you say matters to you. If you consider family important, but the diary shows every evening spent in front of the television, the gap is right there in black and white.

How to keep one

Once you can see exactly how your time goes, it becomes much easier to change it, because the changes you need are right in front of you. Keep the tracking as simple as possible, so that it does not become a chore of its own. For one week, carry a small notepad and note down:

• what you are doing,
• when you start and stop each activity,
• any observations you have along the way.

At the end of the week, read it through. Most people are surprised by what they find. That surprise is where better use of time begins.

Many people believe that the ability to connect with others is a natural trait that only a lucky few are born with, and that it cannot be taught. It is an easy belief to fall into, and it is mistaken. Connecting well is largely a matter of emotional intelligence, and it is within your control.

Life’s biggest lessons, opportunities and gifts are found in our connections with others. Since social connection is such a basic human need, you might expect it to come easily. It often does not. Against our own interest, we get weighed down by shyness, self-consciousness, cynicism, pride, competitiveness, jealousy and arrogance. Clear that baggage away and you can connect with almost anyone, even people still carrying their own. Here are a few common reasons we avoid others, with ways to make the social side of life easier.

Awkwardness gets the better of you

It is nothing to be ashamed of if you privately admit that social situations make you uneasy. Unsociable behaviour that comes from awkwardness can be overcome with practice. Try a little visualisation or meditation. Learning basic mindfulness can help you manage many of the stresses you feel in company. Your body is more within your command than you may believe.

Socialising drains your energy

If being with people always seems to empty your reserves, it may simply be that you are more introverted by nature. Pay attention to what your body is asking for. If it needs solitude, give it solitude. If you sense that something deeper is wrong, if the tiredness feels more like low mood, consider speaking to a doctor.

You fear rejection

We may all be different in personality, but we are all wired to need some human contact. Fear of rejection often has deep roots, sometimes in an old experience of being left or let down, and it can quietly keep us from reaching out to others.

Small things to practise

• Start by talking about yourself with the people closest to you. Research suggests that sharing about ourselves, whether in conversation or online, triggers the same pleasure in the brain as food or money.
• Think about how you made the friends you already have. The same approach works for bigger connections and wider social settings.
• Do not dismiss small talk as meaningless. Good small talk is often the doorway to real connection and, in time, deeper relationships.

Try a small experiment. Look around wherever you are, familiar room or new place. Pick one object, perhaps something you had never really noticed, and give it your full attention. If you truly focus, it seems to grow brighter and more real than it was a moment ago, when it was only part of the background noise of your life. Now try to imagine the room from the point of view of that object. Some people manage this easily, and others need real concentration. Depending on how well you can hold your focus, you may feel a slight shift, an odd little jump, as if you were suddenly seeing the world from somewhere else.

That small shift carries a big lesson. Perception is not fixed. It can be steered. And it matters who does the steering, because if you are not conscious of your own perception, someone else will build it for you.

The eye can be tricked

Things are not always what they appear to be. Marketers and magicians depend on this. They arrange things so that you see exactly what they want you to see. Artists do the same. That is perfectly fine when it is the point, when we let our world be shaped for a while for the fun of it. But drifting through life while others shape all your perceptions is a recipe for a very unfulfilling life.

Change the perception, change the life

Each of us gets tangled in the stories we tell about ourselves, and most of us end up believing we are those stories. Trouble begins when a story starts running itself, and the life it produces is not one we would have chosen.

So consider the story you are living at present. Whose pen wrote it? Did you deliberately choose the reality you live in today, or was it mostly shaped by your parents, friends, partner, school or the media? If you do not like the story, change the way you see it. Picture how you would write the next chapter. Better still, sit down and actually write it. Aim your attention at building a fresh reality, with yourself at the helm. Take back the role of screenwriter and director, instead of only playing a part someone else wrote.

It begins with a decision

Everything starts with one choice: decide, now, to take charge of how you see your own life. If you do not, there are plenty of people whose whole aim is to shape that view for you. Do you trust them to have your best interests at heart?

At some point, every one of us has to deal with an aggressive person. Aggression usually rises when someone feels they must protect their interests, or to win something for themselves, frequently at someone else’s expense. Understanding that helps: the anger in front of you is often about a need or a fear, not about you. When you meet such a person, keep these steps in mind.

Stay cool

Answering anger with anger simply makes matters worse. Your anger feeds theirs, and the exchange climbs higher with every sentence. Staying steady is the first and most important step.

Step away and calm down

Take a deep breath. Step back from the argument for a moment and do something else, even something as small as fetching a glass of water. That short pause can release the tension that is building up. Consider how much regret the words spoken in anger might bring you later.

Bring the focus back

When emotion takes over, people easily forget the real issue and even of how the argument began. Steer the conversation back to what matters most and to the facts. That helps the other person return to thinking and reasoning. Phrases such as “All that really matters is…” or “In a few years we will laugh about this” can lower the temperature.

Name what is happening, gently

Do not carry on as though nothing is wrong. At the same time, avoid sentences that start with an accusing “you”. Try something closer to this: “There is no need to stress, we will sort it out. I am sorry. Can I say something I think is important? I understand this is stressful and upsetting.” Doing this early makes the other person more aware of how they are behaving, and that often makes them more open to hearing what you have to say.

Aggression is loud, but calm is stronger than it looks. Breathe, pause, refocus and speak kindly, and most storms pass without damage.

Busy city life teaches us many lessons. Many of us cannot simply move somewhere quiet and close to nature, so we learn to make peace and find happiness amid the noise. Despite the difficulty, if you can learn to stay mindful through arguments, emergencies and moments that throw you or the people around you into panic, you can reach the calm state of mind that lets you see through the chaos and respond in the best way. Here are a few ideas that help you keep going with a smile, even in stressful situations.

Stop fighting the stress

Trying to get rid of stress only increases it. It is like pulling hard on a door marked “push”. However hard you pull, it will not open, and if you pull hard enough the handle may come off in your hand. Stress comes from doing too much. You cannot “do” your way to less stress. Reducing stress asks you to stop doing, and that is exactly what mindfulness offers.

Empty your mind

Emptying the mind brings real relief. Why? Because every one of our problems exists only there. Empty it, and for that moment the problems are gone. Of course, life still has to be handled, but handling it with a calm mind is far easier and more pleasant than doing it with an overactive, stressed one. Life can be met with a smile. Very little is as serious as it seems.

Face your fears

We are all afraid of something, and strength is found inside fear, not apart from it. Courage is impossible if you are not afraid. If you listen to fear and obey it, it rules you. If you take a stand and act in spite of it, that is true courage. Anyone can be the hero of their own story. It depends on how we respond to our fears. So move towards what you would like to become, be the person you would be proud of, and treat your fears as an adventure.

Answer the voice that says you cannot

Even when we act despite our fear, a small voice inside may still pull us back: “You cannot do it anyway.” Answer it with confidence: “Yes, I can. I will. And one day it will be done.” Then go and do what you set out to do, because you can.

Remember that attitude decides

Life flows as it will, and most of the time we cannot choose our circumstances. What we can choose is our response, our attitude towards them. If you feel low about something that does not really matter, remember that you can choose to smile, and to be at peace whatever is happening around you.

Hold your plans lightly

Making plans and carrying them out is good. Becoming their servant is not. When something does not go to plan, do not fall apart. It is not the end of the world. Plans often give way, because they are guidelines, not fixed paths through life. Do the best with what life gives you. You can create remarkable things once you let go of rigid plans and wishes and work with what you already have. It is already enough.