Tag: Parents

We all enjoy meeting people who share our interests and beliefs. Yet we also need people who can disagree with us, because they sharpen our choices and deepen our understanding of each other. Here is why disagreement matters so much, and why the people who often disagree with you deserve to be valued.

They are the ones talking to you

Like it or not, disagreement is one thing everyone can agree on. It means someone is listening to you and trying to engage with you. It shows when someone takes the trouble to explain their feelings and their reasons for differing. You may bristle at first, yet in the end this is someone who values your relationship enough to be honest with you. People take a risk when they tell you they disagree, because they believe you are worth talking to.

You see the world more clearly

You are not always right, however unwelcome that thought may be. If you only ever look at the world through your own eyes, you may miss the things you cannot see or do not know about. When people disagree with you, they bring experience, knowledge and views you may never have come across or understood.

You learn who you can trust

A disagreement is one of the best ways to see a person’s true self. Anyone can act kind and pleasant, but when there is a disagreement, the pretence falls away and the real person shows. When you disagree with someone, you find out whether this is a person you want to be with and whether you can truly enjoy their company.

Real generosity grows out of caring for another person without conditions. Each of us depends on others for the good things in our lives. We thrive or struggle together through a web of generous acts, coming from the kindness and integrity of people, many of whom we will never meet. That is the power of generosity, and when we practise it with awareness, we come into contact with its joyful, healing strength.

Letting go through giving

Practising generosity means setting out to free ourselves from the need to feed our ego, by giving freely of whatever we have that is of value. What we give may be material, or it may be our time, our energy or our wisdom.

We practise generosity to loosen the attachments that come from feeling that there is never enough and that we stand apart from others. It lets us see the world in terms of what we have and what we can give, instead of what we do not have and badly want.

Generosity all year round

Seasons of gift giving are a good time to ask how you might practise generosity through the rest of the year. There are many ways to build a generous attitude into daily life. A few are especially powerful:

• Be generous with your attention when someone is speaking to you.
• Be generous in celebrating another person’s happiness.
• Be generous with your sympathy for someone who has suffered a loss.
• Be generous with compliments and praise for others.
• Be generous with respect for others, without conditions.
• Be generous with your willingness to help.

None of these costs money. Each of them is something only you can give.

Do not give less than your best, and do not let yourself get sidetracked. You either finish strong or you finish badly. There is no comfortable middle ground.

The last runner in the stadium

The setting was the 1968 Olympic Games in Mexico. The marathon was the final event, and the stadium was packed and buzzing as the first runner, an Ethiopian athlete, came in and crossed the line to a huge roar.

Far behind him was another runner, John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzania. The other runners had long since left him behind. After thirty kilometres his head was pounding, his muscles ached, and he fell to the ground. His leg injuries were serious, and officials wanted him to retire from the race. He refused.

With his knee bandaged, Akhwari got back up and hobbled the last twelve kilometres of the course.

About an hour after the winner had finished, Akhwari entered the stadium. Only a few thousand spectators were still in their seats. He circled the track at an agonisingly slow pace and finally collapsed over the finish line.

Why he kept going

It is remembered as one of the most heroic efforts in Olympic history. Afterwards a reporter asked him why he had not dropped out. Akhwari replied that his country had not sent him to start the race. They had sent him to finish it.

A question for each of us

Put yourself in Akhwari’s shoes. Would you have kept going to the end? Most of us are not running marathons, but we all start things: a course, a job, a promise, a plan. The story asks whether we are only there to begin, or whether we see it through to the end, even when no one is left in the stands to watch.

Late one night, a teacher known far and wide for his wisdom walked up to a king’s palace. The guards recognised him and let him pass, and he went all the way in to where the king was sitting on his throne. The king knew him at once.

“You are welcome here,” said the king. “What brings you?”

“I would like a bed in this inn for the night,” the teacher said.

The king bristled. “An inn? This is my palace!”

Quietly, the teacher asked whom the palace had belonged to before the king.

“To my father, naturally. He passed away.”

“And before him?”

“My grandfather. He too is gone.”

“A place where one person after another stays for a time and then leaves,” said the teacher. “Is that not exactly what an inn is?”

Why the story stays with us

We speak of our homes, our positions and our possessions as if they were ours for good. The teacher’s gentle questions remind us that we are all guests passing through. Nothing we hold stays with us forever, and remembering that makes it easier to hold things lightly and to treat the people who come after us with care.

Saying “I am sorry” is supposed to help the other person feel better. Because the phrase has been used so carelessly for so long, it rarely does its job on its own. So here are ways to apologise without saying it at all.

Every relationship goes through rough patches. Handled the right way, a problem can actually bring two people closer. An apology expresses regret for something you did wrong and is a way to start putting things right.

Do their chores

If you live with the person you upset, let them walk into a spotless home with nothing left to do but kick back and rest. If you do not live together, find a fair and welcome way to help out anyway. After a big fight, when your friend or loved one is not taking your calls, you might wash their car or tidy their garden.

Write a poem

Write one, or find one, that shows how you feel about the person beyond this one disagreement. Keep it simple, and give it to the person you wronged.

Cook for them

Cook their favourite dish, and if you are not sure what that is, find out. You could go further and bake an actual apology cake with the words “I am sorry” in the icing, because good food has a way of reaching anyone’s heart. Even a cup of coffee made with extra care and a smile can do it.

Make a collage

Put together a collage of photos from wonderful places you have been together, or happy times you have shared. Add a short message, something like: “Nothing matters more to me than the happy moments you have brought into my life.”

Take responsibility

Be as specific as you can when you own up to what you did. A specific apology means more to the other person, because it shows you have truly understood what hurt them.

Put your enthusiasm into a hobby and a whole new world of possibilities opens up. Hobbies feed the soul. They lift our spirits, restore our energy and refresh the mind. They can be so stimulating that they create moments of real delight. Anyone who calls hobbies a waste of time should reconsider. And if you believe you could never step away from work long enough for one, that is probably the best sign you need it. Here is why.

Recharge

When we do something we enjoy, we can step away from everyday worries and recharge. Leisure that gives us pleasure helps us recover from the demands of busy, even frantic, lives.

A creative spark

Hobbies can be healing, and they can rekindle our spark. They calm the mind and let us slip away from the outside world to reconnect with ourselves, leaving us refreshed and full of energy. Having a passionate interest that helps us unwind makes us happier, and that in turn makes us more successful in everything else we do.

Learn about yourself

Our hobbies say a lot about who we are. Doing something only because we enjoy it teaches us much about ourselves: our likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, fears and beliefs. Take meditation: it shows you how restless your thoughts can get and how badly they need a quiet pause from time to time. A pastime can uncover parts of you and bring out talents you never knew you had.

Perspective

Hobbies give us a balanced view of life beyond work. They remind us how important it is to make time for ourselves and to refresh both mind and spirit. When responsibilities pile up, a hobby gives us something to look forward to. Putting energy into recovery matters just as much as putting it into work. Stepping back from life’s pressures does not only revive us. It also helps us see the bigger picture, the whole forest rather than just the trees. And you never know where a hobby might lead: to interesting new people, or even to a new career.

A boost to self-esteem

A hobby will challenge you, mentally or physically. As you rise to those challenges, your confidence grows. Solving problems and becoming good at something is both exciting and rewarding.

Keep it in balance

Overall, a hobby improves both the quality of your life and your success. But be sensible about it. A hobby should not swallow the rest of your life. Some people, for instance, pursue health and fitness to the point of cutting themselves off, giving up time with others to keep control over their food, workouts and routine. A hobby should bring balance to your life, not drive every choice you make.

Anyone who has worked in an office or been to school knows how much harm a rumour can cause. Avoiding rumours altogether would be ideal, but sometimes you simply cannot stop one from spreading about you. The best approach is to build habits that make future rumours less likely, and to deal with any rumour calmly and promptly.

Keep people informed

Rumours tend to grow around people who are very private about their lives or who rarely talk with those around them. There is no need to share every detail of your life with everyone. But letting a few people know how you are and what is happening helps. Then, if a rumour does start, it is harder for anyone to believe, because people already know the real story.

Treat people kindly

Not every rumour begins with close friends or family. Many start with people who do not know you well, which makes it easy for them to invent things. That is why it pays to be kind to everyone. The kinder you are, the less likely people are to act out of spite and try to damage your name. Even with people who are hard to get along with, aim at least to be kind.

If you harm someone else’s reputation, you are more likely to find a rumour spreading about you, and you will be in no position to blame anyone for it.

Do not spread rumours yourself

It really is that simple. Passing rumours along makes you part of the harm done to others. If you do it, you are no better than the person who spread one about you.

Do not take it personally

Some people carry bitterness or ill will and spread rumours because it makes them feel better about themselves. Others mishear something and pass it on without meaning any harm. Either way, a rumour is usually not a sign that you did anything wrong. Often the people spreading it are dealing with their own insecurities or simply with boredom. So do not let it get under your skin.

Long ago, a king had a large boulder placed in the middle of a road. Then he hid nearby and watched to see whether anyone would clear it away.

Some of the richest merchants and courtiers in the kingdom came along and simply walked around it. Plenty of people complained loudly that the king did not keep his roads clear. Not one of them did anything about the stone.

The man with the vegetables

Then a farmer came by, carrying a heavy load of vegetables. When he reached the boulder, he put his load down and tried to push the stone off the road. It took a great deal of pushing and straining, but in the end he managed it.

Returning to gather his load, he spotted a purse on the ground in the very spot the boulder had occupied. It held many gold coins, along with a note from the king. The gold, the note said, was for whoever moved the boulder out of the road.

What the story teaches

Every obstacle we meet in life carries a chance to make our situation better. While some people stand around complaining, others are creating opportunities through kindness, generosity and a willingness to simply get the job done.

The next time something blocks your path, it is worth asking whether you are walking around it, complaining about it, or putting down your load and pushing.

Healthy self-love is the balance point between low self-esteem, which is a shortage of self-love, and grandiosity, which is an inflated, false self-love that covers up for the lack of the real thing. Changing your mind, body and inner life starts with growing genuine self-love. Here are six keys.

First key: Become aware of yourself

What do you keep telling yourself? Do you listen to your thoughts, sift them and question them?

Second key: Look after your body

Your body serves you and represents you. Treat it with the care you would give something precious. If you do not, you are unlikely to build self-love. Harming your body works directly against it and defeats the purpose. Your body does not just serve you, it also shows the world who you are. Treat it with respect.

Third key: Refine your inner life

When you connect with your deeper self, something shifts inside. It does not matter what you believe, or whether you believe in anything at all. What matters is that you have some daily practice that refines you within. If you do not already have one, such as quiet reflection or meditation, explore what is out there or create your own. You can begin at any age. For some it is playing or listening to music that lifts the spirit. For others it is a mix of things. Make time to build your relationship with yourself by doing something that uplifts you.

Fourth key: Make time for yourself

Every day you need some time alone to feel centred. Far from being selfish, it is vital to your wellbeing. Use it to develop your thinking and sharpen your sensitivity, perhaps on a quiet walk in nature or in some still time alone. It is the best investment you can make in yourself.

Fifth key: Find your purpose

What is your life for? Are you simply waiting for the weekend, or for the next television show? Or is there something deeper and bolder, a goal bigger than yourself that shapes the person you hope to become and what you want to say to the world? Write a personal mission statement that fits your values. It is the next step in growing as a person and in finding happiness, because it tells the world who you are.

Sixth key: Treat every day as practice

In the end, a lifetime is the total of what you did, what you lived through and where your hours went. What would you like people to remember about you? Each day is a chance to practise being that person. How you use it is a question only you can answer.

Why it is worth it

• You deserve to be loved without conditions, whatever you have done.
• Self-love brings a natural confidence and warmth that draw people to you and help you succeed.
• It enriches not only your own world but other people’s too, and lets you influence them in a meaningful, positive way.
• You come to rely on your own judgement instead of searching elsewhere for answers, approval or rescue. That is real freedom.

How you experience the world happens in the privacy of your own mind. You rule that inner space, so it pays to notice what kind of mental climate you are building for yourself.

Negative thoughts can stir up anxiety, anger, resentment, jealousy and a whole range of other feelings. Thinking negatively now and then is normal. But when it never stops, it can drag a person into deep unhappiness and harmful behaviour. Our thoughts come and go so fast that catching them can seem impossible. With awareness, and a gentle attitude towards ourselves, we can still steer the negative ones towards something better.

The story of two wolves

An old folk tale shows the biggest contest we ever face: good thoughts against bad ones.

An old man was teaching his grandson about life. He told the boy that a fight was raging inside him, a terrible fight between two wolves. The first wolf was everything dark in us: rage, jealousy, grief, regret, greed and arrogance, along with pity for oneself, guilt and bitterness, feeling small or feeling superior, lying, vanity and ego. The second wolf was everything bright: joy, peace, love and hope, serenity and humility, kindness, goodwill and empathy, generosity, honesty, compassion and faith. That same struggle, he said, goes on within the boy and within every human being.

The boy thought for a moment and asked which wolf would win.

The old man answered simply: the one you feed.

Guard the gate of your mind

To build a good inner world, you have to become the gatekeeper of your own mind. Changing your mental habits and the way you talk to yourself is not easy. Happiness depends on having an alert inner referee who lets in only what truly helps you. Without regular, careful reflection, you may already have woven a web of unhealthy thinking without noticing.

Stop feeding on junk

A steady diet of stressful and anger stoking material does your mind no favours. Constantly filling it with this mental junk food will quickly reshape your thinking for the worse. Break that cycle now. How good your inner life feels is something you can change.