Tag: Parents

Giving and receiving are so closely tied together in our lives that we often assume being generous will bring good things flowing back to us. Then, when our kindness is not answered the way we hoped, we sink into disappointment. The answer to this puzzle lies in the expectations that partly moved us to give in the first place.

Our intentions may well be good. But by keeping one eye on what we will get back, we can quietly spoil the lovely experience of giving. When we let go of the idea that we have earned something in return, good things tend to move more freely into and out of our lives again.

A gift is not a trade

Once a gift is weighed down with expectations, it stops being a gift. It becomes a kind of payment, offered in exchange for some reward. And experience suggests that life tends to be kinder to the person who shares simply for the joy of sharing.

Perhaps you have noticed this in your own life. Think of a time when you were too busy to dwell on what your kind actions would do for others, or for you. Chances are that was exactly when you received the most in return.

Look at what you are hoping for

If you find it hard to let go of expectations, it is worth looking at what is stopping you from giving in a truly open-hearted way. Each time you give something, whether it is your time, your attention or a material gift, ask yourself honestly whether you are hoping for something back. You might be surprised to find you expect to be rewarded with an easier life, a sudden windfall or a lucky break.

Let go of control

To bring this most selfless kind of generosity into your life, you have to loosen your need to control the outcome. Good often does come back to those who give, but rarely on a timetable we can see. Accepting that helps you stop comparing what you have given with what you have received.

Over time, giving becomes a deep joy in its own right, free of any conditions. And you begin to value the simple back and forth of kindness as a gift in itself.

Most of us now live with a screen within arm’s reach from morning to night. It is easy to forget that switching off, even for an evening or a weekend, is an option. Here are nine good reasons to do it now and then.

1. You will feel less envy and loneliness

Stepping away from social media helps clear out the unhealthy jealousy, envy and loneliness that endless scrolling can stir up.

2. Real conversation builds real skills

Nobody ever became a good communicator by dashing off careless comments under photos.

3. You get your privacy back

When you are always posting, almost anyone can work out what you are doing, when, and where.

4. The fear of missing out fades

Switching off is one of the surest cures for the constant worry that something better is happening elsewhere.

5. You make room for solitude

In a world where we are always connected, quiet time alone has become rare. Unplugging gives it back.

6. The best of life is right in front of you

The people, the places and the moments that matter most are usually here, not on a screen.

7. You create more and consume less

Time away from devices tends to turn into time spent making, building and doing, rather than just watching.

8. Life is still face to face

For all our technology, human life is still about being physically present with each other and looking one another in the eye.

9. Nobody is really keeping score

In the end, you are not truly that interested in what all those other people are up to, and they are not that interested in you either. Knowing that makes it much easier to put the phone down.

Every one of us has weak spots. For some people, a weakness simply comes from not having a particular skill or piece of know-how. Being unable to drive, or being a poor cook, certainly counts. Other weaknesses are part of our nature: some of us are shy, some too sure of ourselves, some quick-tempered. A weakness can also take the form of a physical or mental limitation, such as a learning difficulty or needing a wheelchair to get around.

Some of our weaknesses are plain for all to see, while others can be tucked out of sight. Some are small nuisances we can easily work around. Others are large barriers that force us to rearrange our whole lives.

The good news is that by taking deliberate steps, you can take even the most limiting weaknesses and turn them into some of your greatest strengths, sparing yourself much of the frustration and unhappiness they bring. There are two main ways to do it.

1. Treat it as a place to grow

The first approach is to see each weakness as a signpost pointing to where you can improve. If your gap is a missing skill or missing knowledge, then building up your ability in that area is the most direct way to turn it around. The poor cook can take a class. The non-driver can book lessons.

2. See it differently

Very often you can turn a weakness into a strength just by changing how you look at it. Seen from a fresh angle, you may find it actually supports your other strengths. A shy person, for instance, is often a careful listener and observer. This second approach can be the wisest choice for a weakness you cannot physically change, such as a disability, or something that happened long ago.

When you view your weaknesses in a new light, you may well discover they are strengths in disguise. In the end, “weakness” is only a label we stick on something. It is not a fixed fact about the world. So pay attention to how you describe your weaknesses to yourself. Changing that inner story can be the single most powerful way to turn them into personal strengths.

This day comes to you carrying a little of everything: chances and annoyances, troubles and openings. The question is what you will make of it. Choose to shape it into something good and worthwhile.

Refuse a borrowed day

Do not accept someone else’s plan for how your day ought to go. And do not settle for a replay of a day you have already lived. Do something fresh and truly yours, something that reminds you how precious and meaningful your life is.

Yes, today has a timetable. There is a list of jobs, the familiar duties and the things other people are counting on you to do. Those matter. But today also offers you a chance to reach past all of that, to go further than what is merely expected.

Choose one worthwhile challenge

You already know, from experience, how well you rise when something tests you, and how satisfying that feels. So today, look for a challenge that really means something to you. Give it your full attention and effort, and let that familiar sense of achievement come alive again.

You are built to grow and to accomplish. You have the tools and the drive. Today, do the thing you are here to do.

Everything is waiting on you

Your dreams and goals, your skills and experience, your hard-won understanding, your love and your courage are all standing by, eager for your next step. Do not leave them waiting. Today, put all of it to work, and live your life as fully as you possibly can.

Mindfulness is a skill we can learn, a gentle and caring practice we can weave into daily life. Once learned, it gives us a simple way to settle ourselves whenever we feel upset, and it is always within reach.

Practised regularly, meditation can ease stress and worry and sharpen concentration. It can even bring two partners closer together. Here is how mindfulness can help, and three ways to try it.

Why it matters in a relationship

Mindfulness begins with a choice: to notice more clearly how we turn up in life, and then to decide deliberately how we want our presence to look and feel to others. That is really what we each bring into a partnership. When you practise it for your own calm, for steadier emotions and for clearer conversation, your relationship benefits too.

Three exercises, no meditation needed

If you would like some hands-on practice without sitting down to meditate, these three exercises can make your bond stronger.

Look inward first. Pay attention to what sets off a strong, negative reaction in you toward your partner. When you notice anger rising, hold back from responding straight away. Step aside and take an honest look. Try hard to reach the source of that old hurt, then put it on paper. Let yourself be open, and share what you found with your partner. As the old pattern of defending and blaming starts to fall away, you will find that many future quarrels never begin.

Play the gratitude game. Over time, many of us stop noticing our partners, and the warm words slowly dry up. Practise putting into words the feelings that first drew you to each other, and the ones that keep you together today. Write down ten reasons you are thankful for your partner, then read them aloud. Making time to say thank you to each other builds a deep sense of trust and safety between you.

Listen deeply. Most of us do not truly listen when someone is speaking to us. We are busy planning our answer or thinking about something else entirely. Our attention wanders because the mind is restless and keen to move on to the next item on the list. Next time your partner talks, set that restlessness aside and simply hear them out. It is one of the kindest gifts you can give.

A good sense of humour does a lot for us. It lowers stress, helps us cope with pain, builds warmth and understanding between people, and can even make us more attractive company. But what exactly is a “good” sense of humour, and how can you grow yours? Here are a few pointers.

Hear the invitation in the joke

People often use humour to poke fun at themselves, or gently at others, in a friendly spirit. When someone tells you about an embarrassing moment, they may be hoping you will laugh along with them, not feel sorry for them. Laughing with them is a kindness.

Answer in the same key

Once you sense the tone of a joke, you can try making a similar kind of joke back. This easy back and forth is one of the most common ways people show that they like each other.

Learn to take a joke

If you find that you are quickly offended or upset, it may be worth working on your sense of humour. When someone teases you, try teasing back instead of getting angry.

If you are unsure whether you are being teased unkindly, ask yourself a simple question. Is this person really likely to want to hurt me, or could they simply be reaching out in a friendly way? If you honestly cannot tell, it is perfectly fine to ask them.

Notice what a joke stirs up

Sometimes a remark meant in fun still stings. When that happens, ask yourself what uncomfortable feeling it touched. Humour has a way of showing us insecurities and fears we did not know we were carrying, and seeing them clearly is the first step to easing them.

Remember why it is worth it

A sense of humour lets you find something to smile about in good times and in hard ones. It can ease stress and worry, and it strengthens both your ability to cope and the way you feel about yourself. That is a lot of value from a little lightness.

Everyday chores can pile up until you feel worn out and spent. Duties and obligations seem to fill every waking second, and daily life keeps growing more complicated, often leaving you hollow and tired.

But what if there were something you could do about it? What if you could bring a little calm and stillness into all the noise that gadgets and people create? What if you could step away from the clutter and find a quiet oasis where your mind and body can rest? You can. It only takes a little effort to discover simple ways of bringing more peace into your life. Here are seven.

1. Breathe from the belly

Spend two minutes breathing deeply into your belly, paying attention only to the air as it flows in and out. This settles the mind and helps you see things in proportion again.

2. Get back in touch with nature

You do not need to fly somewhere exotic to feel close to nature. It can be as simple as walking barefoot on the grass at home and feeling the cool, soft ground under your feet. Take in the sights and sounds around you, and let the calm slowly wrap around you.

3. Stop putting things off

Postponing tasks or dodging problems only adds to the weight you carry. The longer you delay, the more strain you put yourself under. Getting the job done is often the most peaceful choice of all.

4. Step back

When you are deep in the middle of things, it is easy to lose perspective, and that is how poor decisions get made. A short pause to look at the situation from a distance can save a lot of trouble.

5. Set limits

Learn to say no. Heaping too much onto your plate will only leave you feeling squeezed.

6. Escape, even for an hour

Escaping does not have to mean travelling far. It can simply mean switching off your phone, tablet and laptop, and stepping away from the constant chatter of the internet.

7. Find a way to relax that suits you

There are many ways to find calm: yoga, long walks, gentle music, or sitting quietly in meditation. Try a few and keep the one that works best for you.

When we feel down, our first instinct is often to pull away from everyone and dwell on whatever is bothering us. Now and then we really do need some quiet time alone. But very often, the fastest route out of a gloomy mood is to turn our attention toward other people.

Something curious happens when we help others. We frequently stumble on answers to our own questions and fixes for our own troubles. We come away feeling closer to the people around us, and stronger for having made a difference to someone.

You are not alone

When we reach out to someone we can help, we are reminded that we are not the only ones who need support and encouragement. We are also reminded that we have real strengths and can be useful in our own ways.

Even on days when our problems or moods are winning, there is always someone who could use our particular talents and energy. In return, they show us that we are far from the only people in the world facing hard times. Everyone wrestles with the troubles of life. Everyone feels swamped now and then. Yet we can nearly always find comfort in being of use to someone.

The help flows both ways

At its best, the person we are helping ends up throwing light on our own problem. Sometimes they offer a clear piece of advice. Sometimes they do it without saying a single word, simply by who they are or what they are going through.

Give your mind a rest

Often, just stepping out of that restless loop of trying to solve our own life is all it takes. Plenty of great inventors and artists have noticed that the insight they needed to move their work forward did not come while they were working. It came while they were strolling around the block or washing the dishes.

So the next time you feel low, consider it an invitation. Set your worries down for a little while and lend a hand to someone who needs it. You will be doing them a kindness, and you will very likely be doing yourself an even bigger one.

Life gets easier to steer when we take it one step at a time, instead of always staring at the whole picture.

The years of our life never land on us all together. They come to meet us one day after another. As each sun goes down, we can lay our heads down and let the world look after itself for a while. Through the night we can rest easy, knowing the morning will offer us a fresh start, new ways of seeing and hopes shaped by our dreams.

The waking hours that follow, until we sleep again, are ours to decide how we want to live and learn, to laugh and to grow. Our lives are kinder and far more manageable precisely because we get to live them this way, a single day at a time.

Notice the weight of the whole journey

Try picturing the whole future laid out ahead of you, and see whether you feel any tightness or overwhelm at the thought of all that road. Perhaps you have just made a change in how you live, such as starting a healthier diet or giving up smoking, and the thought of keeping it up for years feels daunting. Perhaps you have just started a new job or just got married, and a quiet worry runs underneath about whether you will manage it well.

Bring your focus home to today

If you can move your attention away from what might happen years from now and bring it back to the day right in front of you, you may find some calm and a fresh trust in what you are able to do. You may also find a quiet confidence that the future will sort itself out.

Here is the beautiful part. How we turn up for our lives today, and again tomorrow, has a huge influence on who we will become and what we will be living years down the road. The future is built from exactly these ordinary days.

So if we stay fully present in the day we have, enjoying what it offers and pouring our energy into getting the best out of it, we will discover that we are well prepared and well able to meet whatever future arrives, when it arrives.

When we are truly content with our lives, we stop needing wins and losses to tell us what we are worth.

The urge to compete with other people is fairly easy to understand. Long years of evolution and the pressures of society have trained us to measure ourselves against those around us. The urge to compete with ourselves is different. It comes from more private needs and desires, and so it is a good deal more complicated.

Racing your former self

Wanting to beat our own earlier efforts, to prove to ourselves that we have grown, can push us to remarkable new heights. What we have already achieved becomes solid ground from which we step boldly into the unknown.

But if that drive comes from a weak sense of our own worth, or from a need to prove something to others, then even brilliant results can leave us feeling flat. That is why it helps to ask honestly why we are competing with ourselves. The answer shows us which contests will truly enrich our lives.

There are many healthy reasons to try to outdo ourselves. When we are hungry to grow, we set our own targets and work to meet them. We do not wait for outside victories or defeats to tell us who we are. Instead we act as our own referee and our own coach, keeping track of how far we have come.

Watch out for hidden motives

Do make sure your competitive streak is not a quiet need to show everyone that you can meet their standards and then beat them.

Remember too that work the world would call more than good enough may still fail to please the strict judge inside us, who can push us without mercy. To find balance, we must learn patience, even as we keep reaching for the best version of who we are.

Let tiredness be a signal

If chasing a goal leaves you drained, tense or unhappy, you may be pushing for the wrong reasons. Your enthusiasm will come back the moment you remember that real growth is not about winning at all. It is about feeling proud of your progress, whatever the speed.

It is worth keeping one more thing in mind. Winning really is not everything. Too many people trample on human values and basic decency just to come out on top. No trophy is worth that price.