Tag: Parents

You may tell yourself a hundred times that you will not lose your temper. Then the feeling arrives and you cannot hold it back. It rolls in like a sudden storm. Emotions, it turns out, are far stronger than our thoughts.

One useful way to picture this is the atom. Its heavy core of protons and neutrons sits firmly in the middle, while the lighter, negatively charged particles whirl around the outside. The human mind can be seen in a similar way. Anger and our other negative habits live out on the edge. At the centre, our true nature is calm and caring. Anger is a distortion of that nature. It stops the best in us from showing.

Awareness makes the difference

Showing anger is not always wrong. What hurts you is anger you are not aware of. Sometimes anger can even serve a purpose. A mother may raise her voice or act stern with her children when they put themselves in danger. Some situations truly call for it.

But notice what happens to you when anger takes over. You are shaken from head to toe. Think about the results. Are you pleased with the choices you made or the words you said in that state? Usually not, because in that moment you lost your awareness. If you remain fully aware and only act angry when it is needed, that is a different matter altogether.

Come back to the present

Almost all anger is about something that has already happened. Is there any point in raging at what you cannot change? The mind keeps swinging between past and future. In the past, it is angry about what is done and cannot be undone. In the future, it is anxious about what might happen later. When the mind rests in this very moment, both anger and anxiety lose their grip and begin to look pointless.

Regular calming practices help you stay steady so that small events do not knock you over. So does a little understanding of yourself, of how your mind works, and of where the distortion begins.

We tend to lose our temper most when we are tired and stressed. Every one of us carries good qualities. They are simply buried under misunderstanding and strain. The work is not to add something new, only to uncover what is already there.

Let the breath guide you

Breathing exercises and meditation are very good at settling the mind. The breath has a lesson we have forgotten. Each pattern in the mind has a matching pattern in the breath, and each pattern in the breath carries a matching emotion. So when you cannot manage the mind directly, you can reach it through the breath.

Meditation, in this sense, is letting go of old anger and of past events. It is accepting this moment and living each moment fully. Often anger rises simply because we refuse to accept the present as it is. It also rises when we demand too much perfection. When you are joyful, you stop chasing perfection. If you are always chasing it, you have drifted away from the source of joy.

An early warning system

Becoming more mindful of your thoughts, your feelings and the triggers behind them can act like an early alarm for future clashes. It can also show you whether your anger points to something deeper that would be worth talking through with a professional.

Again and again, life puts us in spots where we are tempted to water down what we really think. Perhaps your view is held by only a few, and you do not want to be left out because of it. Perhaps you disagree with how your boss runs things but feel too nervous to say so. In such moments it can be hard to hold firm. And here is the catch: every time we bend our values, bending the next time becomes easier.

The reverse is also true. Being true to yourself in a world that keeps trying to reshape you may be one of the finest things you ever achieve. It takes nerve to voice a view others dislike, to say no when yes would be easier, and to risk a job, a friendship or an opportunity because someone may not like what you think. Yet the more you lean on that nerve, the lighter it becomes, and the more sure of yourself you grow. As the old line goes, “If you try to please everyone, you will please no one.”

It builds confidence

When other people dictate our thoughts, feelings and actions, our confidence slowly drains away. We stop trusting our own instincts and can no longer tell what we truly believe from what everyone wants us to believe. Speaking up may feel awkward at first, but each time we do, our confidence grows a little stronger.

It gives you a clear sense of self

If we keep giving in and doing things the way others like, right or wrong, we begin to lose our own identity. We forget what we actually stand for. The less freely we think, the more we turn into followers with no direction of our own. The more honest we are about our own needs and views, the better we come to know who we are.

It earns your own respect

Would you admire someone who dropped their values simply because it was handy or popular? Hardly. But when someone with a less popular view stays steady, and that view rests on sound ethics, you probably respect them a great deal. The same holds for how you see yourself. Keep giving in to what others want and you will slowly lose respect for the person in the mirror.

It shapes integrity

Plenty of people today bend the truth, get ahead at the cost of others, or simply follow the mood of the moment with no thought for what comes next. Standing up for your beliefs is rarely the easy road. But when you take it, you can look at yourself and feel at peace, knowing you did the right thing and kept your integrity.

It makes you independent

Two thoughts are worth keeping. If you will not stand up for yourself and your view, why would anyone else? And the one person you can always count on, whatever happens, is you. The more you stand behind your beliefs, the less you will need others to approve of them, and the more firmly you will stand on your own two feet.

A few reminders

Staying carefully neutral on everything will not take you very far, so it is better simply to be yourself. Whatever view you hold, the other side will have some fair points, and your side will have some flaws. What counts is your readiness to pick a side at all. Many of us fear holding the “wrong” view so much that we stay silent. Your honest voice is worth more than that.

What does living from the inside out really mean? When we live this way, the noise of life tends to fall away. What remains is a deep understanding and appreciation of who we really are.

When we live outside ourselves, life’s uncertainties become unsettling, and we can let other people’s opinions cast a shadow over our own truth. Living from within keeps us rooted in who we are. From that place, we give ourselves the gift of truly seeing the remarkable person who lives inside.

The beautiful thing is that anyone can do it. There is no secret manual. It is simply a matter of turning our attention inward, and choosing to see each moment through that lens. Here are a few simple reminders.

Keep it simple

We are always here, so we have endless chances to turn inward. It does not require special training, and we do not need anyone’s permission. Grow quiet, step back from the noise, and you will find yourself. Sometimes a little quiet is all it takes to find your way back when you have forgotten how simple it is.

Embrace uncertainty

Nobody truly knows everything, and each person’s version of the truth is different. Deep peace arrives when we accept not knowing and stop trying to control everything. Not needing everything to make sense creates the space to see ourselves clearly.

Enjoy the ride

Joy is not something to be hunted down or dug up. It is here, any time we choose to open to it. Laughter, a smile, the sparkle in a friend’s eye, a beautiful sky. It is in everything around us and within us. We already have everything we need to enjoy the journey.

Building a personal brand online may help you grow a professional network, but nothing will ever replace a warm, genuine personality. Here are the habits of people who are so likable that others go out of their way to help them.

They pay close attention

When someone is speaking to them, they truly listen. Using a conversation as a chance to lecture someone may feed the ego, but it never draws people in or wins friends.

They stay composed

They keep their composure in all circumstances. Overreacting, whether to good news or bad, can leave a poor impression. In tense moments, they remember that silence can be far more effective than angry words.

They do not say every thought

The most likable people know that it is not worth offending others by voicing every thought, even when those thoughts happen to be true.

They are patient

They understand that the right timing for words and actions gives them a real advantage over people who rush.

They keep an open mind

People who close themselves off from certain ideas, and spend time only with those who think as they do, miss out on personal growth and on many opportunities to move forward.

They smile when they speak

A genuine smile helps people lower their guard during a conversation.

They do a good turn every day

The best connectors help others without expecting anything in return.

They find the lesson in failure

We admire people who learn from setbacks instead of sinking into them. Likable people are even grateful for the wisdom a defeat gave them, wisdom they could not have gained any other way.

Arguments are those moments when tension rises, replies turn personal, and you go round in circles without getting anywhere. Often the conflict takes on a life of its own. You end up arguing about who does more of the chores or who forgot what last night, while the bigger issues, like caring, teamwork and appreciation, stay hidden beneath the surface.

It is not just friends, either. Unwanted arguments happen in families and at work. With a little skill, though, you can learn to stop them, so you can get on with solving the real concerns. Here are four phrases that help.

“Let me think about that”

When no real danger is present, a flood of emotion only gets in the way. Asking for time to think lets your body calm down. It also tells the other person that you value them enough to weigh their view, which calms them too.

“You may be right”

It helps because it signals you are open to meeting halfway, and that is usually enough to soften the other person’s position and let them step back too. It is hard to say. But notice that, like a graceful sidestep, you are not agreeing that they are right. You are only admitting there may be something in what they say, and that you will think about it.

“I understand”

These are powerful words because they offer empathy. They stop an argument by changing its direction; trying to understand someone’s point of view is not arguing. They can be hard to say, because pausing to understand can feel like giving in. But understanding does not mean you agree, and it does not mean you have to solve the problem.

“I am sorry”

These may be the most powerful words of all. Many people avoid apologising because they fear it means admitting guilt and accepting all the blame. That view often makes things worse. Sometimes an apology is an admission of responsibility, and then a heartfelt expression of regret matters even more: “You are right, I did not get it done on time. I will do everything I can to make sure it does not happen again.” An apology changes the whole conversation, from “It is not my fault” to “I understand”.

Most of us find it hard to be criticised, corrected or accused, even over the smallest mistakes, and we often react with anger. So how do we keep our sense of humour and lightness when criticism comes our way? Here are a few strategies that help.

Really listen to the critic

Listen properly to what is being said. Try to understand the other person’s point of view. Do not simply nod along while you quietly prepare your comeback. Take the criticism in first; you can decide later what to do with it.

Delay your reaction

Pause and count slowly. Breathe. Let a night pass before you hit send. Almost any pause will do some good.

Suppose an incident at your child’s school has left you fuming. Hold off acting on it for three full days. More often than not, you will realise that doing nothing was better than doing something in the heat of the moment.

Find the fun in failure

The fact is that trying new things and aiming high will always expose you to criticism. Remind yourself to see the lighter side of failing, and to treat both failure and criticism as part of the adventure. Otherwise, the fear of being criticised can freeze you in place.

Not everyone is going to be kind. But we can learn to treat feeling good, feeling bad and feeling right as parts of the same process of growing, and to let criticism, fair or unfair, make us a little wiser each time.

Imperfection is, in a way, part of everything we know in life. Yet we live in a society that prizes perfection. It is a goal no human can actually reach, and still we keep striving for it. The truth is that it is not perfection itself that causes us stress and anxiety. It is our idea of what perfection should look like.

Look around, and you will find a kind of perfection in every nook and corner. You only have to shift where you place your attention. Here are a few ways to start seeing perfection in imperfection.

You are far from perfect too

We often get tripped up by temptation and bad habits. We struggle within ourselves to do what is right. Deep down, we know that many of our actions and decisions are driven by less than healthy tendencies.

Life was never flawless and never will be. That is actually a relief. You can give up the hunt for an imaginary ideal: flawless looks, a dream career, a dream home, a dream partner. You are free to live comfortably within your imperfections.

Stop chasing happiness in perfection

Happiness is not something you finally reach once everything around you is perfect, because that day will never come. Instead, you can find contentment, happiness and joy right in the middle of things that are flawed. The sooner you realise that happiness is fully available to you today, whatever your circumstances, the better your chances of finding it.

Meet each other in your weakness

Once we truly understand that every person is imperfect by nature, we can stop pretending we have it all together. That honesty brings people closer. It is far easier to connect with someone who admits their cracks than with someone pretending they have none.

Long ago, a king received two beautiful baby eagles as a gift. Delighted, he hired an experienced caretaker to look after them. The caretaker cared for them so well, and bonded with them so closely, that they never needed a cage.

One flies, one does not

A few months later the king came to visit. The two chicks had grown into strong young birds, and he wanted to see them fly. On the caretaker’s signal, both eagles took off. One soared high into the sky and reached new heights. The other fluttered briefly and settled straight back on its usual branch.

Puzzled, the king asked why the second eagle was so different. The caretaker said this one had always been like that, and would never leave its branch.

The challenge

The king badly wanted the second bird to fly as high as the first. He announced a challenge at court: whoever could make the eagle fly would receive a generous reward. Many learned scholars came and tried everything they knew. Not one succeeded.

A few days later, the caretaker reported that someone had done it. The eagle was soaring high in the sky. The successful man turned out to be an ordinary farmer, and asked him how he had managed what so many educated people could not.

“I simply cut the branch,” the farmer said. “The branch it was used to sitting on was gone, so it had no choice but to fly. And it flew very well.”

Our own branches

We are all meant to fly high. Yet we often underestimate ourselves and never discover what we are capable of. We fall into habits that quietly hold us back. Like that eagle, we stay on our familiar branch, never realising how high we could go. Only when the branch disappears are we forced out of our comfort zone, and only then do we discover our true strength.

We need to leave our comfort zones willingly. Great things are rarely achieved inside them, where we keep waiting and hoping for life to get better on its own.

Life is not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Equally, it is not always going to be grey and miserable. And if it really were all rainbows, you would soon grow tired of looking at them. Here are a few suggestions for the days when life seems to be working against you.

Accept what you cannot control

Accept the simple fact that you cannot control everything. Anger, frustration and upset will not improve you or the situation. You cannot control life, but you can always control how you respond to it.

Sort and cross off

Write down everything that is troubling you or calling for your attention. Then rank it, putting what matters most at the top. Then cross out anything you have absolutely no control over, and let it go. That alone brings a measure of contentment.

List what is good

Write a second list, this time of what brings you joy or gratitude. Turning your attention to what is good brings you back to an awareness of how much is right in your life, and in you. We are often more remarkable than we remember, and we forget it on hard days.

Allow the grey days

Remember that you do not always have to be sunshine and smiles, and that is perfectly fine. Focus on what really matters, and you will find your way back to your happier self.

Turn wounds into wisdom

Find the quiet place of peace inside you, and be grateful for what you have. Let your hurts teach you instead of harden you. If you manage all of these, you will be surprised at how much lighter you feel.

You may have heard the impatient person’s request: “Give me patience, and give it to me right now!” It makes us smile because most of us feel exactly that way.

Yet a handful of patience is worth more than a sackful of brains. Experience shows again and again that a patient person tends to make better decisions, and see better outcomes, than a brilliant person who cannot wait for the right time and the right opportunity.

Not every answer comes at once

Think of how a wise parent answers a child’s requests. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no, and sometimes “later”, depending on what is truly best for the child. Life often answers us in the same way. Learning to accept “not yet” without bitterness is a large part of patience.

Patience with others

Often our greatest test of patience comes in our relationships. Patience with others grows out of love and respect for them. Love is not selfish, proud or rude, because it is concerned with the welfare of someone else. Love is the foundation, and patience is part of how it works. Patience changes relationships for the better.

Sometimes we become defensive and irritated and say things that hurt. In those moments we forget the value of patience and make hasty choices. Whenever you feel yourself bristling against someone, try to be patient enough to stop and think about their good qualities.

Patience builds empathy

Empathy makes life far smoother. If a crying baby gets on your nerves, that is a sign to work on your patience. Patience is one of the ways we learn to feel for others.

Patient does not mean weak

At the same time, a patient person is not a pushover. Being patient does not mean quietly accepting abuse, or putting up with someone who keeps creating problems. There are times when it is right to tell people that what they did was hurtful or disrespectful. Say it with love, and then, still, be patient enough to see a change.