Tag: Seniors

Being a perfectionist means being overly concerned with personal achievement, to the point where everything has to be done exactly right or it feels like it has not moved forward at all. This usually comes from all or nothing thinking, where a result is either perfect or it is simply not good enough. In trying to improve, some people fall into a never ending pursuit of flawlessness. It is not the desire to change that causes the trouble. It is the over-doing, and the obsessing that comes with it. Being perfect can drain the enjoyment out of an effort that no longer feels quite right, however much work goes into it. The useful balance sits between making positive changes and obsessing over them.

Signs you might be a perfectionist

A few patterns are worth watching for. Judging yourself harshly, and judging others just as harshly. Obsessing over lifestyle commitments. Turning highly competitive with the people around you. Dwelling on a single mistake long after it is over. Feeling an intense need to correct someone else’s small error. Demanding perfection from other people as well as yourself. Staying with a task well past the point where everyone else has moved on. Any one of these on its own is ordinary. Several of them together are worth a second look.

Take charge of your inner voice

Beating perfectionism starts with controlling the inner critic, the voice that keeps telling you that you have fallen short. That voice can turn an ordinary mistake into supposed proof that you are a second rate person, and it wears down self esteem every time it speaks. Left unchecked, it feeds a growing fear of failure and of criticism from others. Learning to notice that voice for what it is, rather than treating it as fact, is the first real step out of the trap.

Do you long for that sense of accomplishment, the feeling you get after a perfect day when nothing else needs doing? If you want more fulfilment in daily life, three habits help you take control.

Put first things first

At the heart of it, the answer is simply to put first things first. We are often pulled between what we would like to do and what we ought to do, and we struggle to use our time well. Trouble begins when what we do fails to match what we hope to achieve, because we have not made room for what matters most. To get the best from your day, learn to put first things first. The enemy of the best is the merely good.

Say no to urgency

When you are trying to finish something important, find a corner that belongs to you and no one else, and focus on what counts. If someone arrives asking for your attention, you already know the answer, and it is no. That way you are not only taking action, you are getting results that carry you toward a satisfying day.

Nurture self awareness

We rarely stop to register the present moment or what is happening around us. That keeps us cut off from our own core. If you cannot explain why you keep repeating a habit that harms you, put it down in a journal. If you criticise someone for a fault and then spot it in yourself, record that as well.

Being carefree, at peace, happy or confident, whichever way you want to describe it, is a choice. It means taking charge of your emotions and seeing that you can feel well without anything around you changing. Only your outlook has to shift. You can decide to feel good whatever anyone else does or says.

Letting go

The moment we release our fears, doubts and regrets, along with everything that no longer serves us, we return to how we once were. We go back to ourselves, to a kind of innocence, because that is where our true nature lies.

Caring without clinging

This does not mean you should stop caring. Caring means something matters, and it is perfectly fine to want what you want. The trouble starts when you become so attached that things must turn out one particular way to count as a success. Then you have set yourself up for disappointment.

Why it is hard

We are conditioned not to be carefree. Nine things may be going well and one may not, yet all our attention goes to the one that is not. That is the human tendency. We also carry fear, worry, guilt, resentment and old anger into the present, and most of what we brood about is not happening now. We simply spend our precious energy filling ourselves with anxiety over it.

Take a lesson from a child

We spend much of our lives chasing happiness, looking for meaning and balance without knowing where to search. It is wise to pause and think about what matters most. Watch a child at play and you will see what living in the present looks like. Learning that lesson sets you free.

Think of the feeling when a friend or your spouse keeps you waiting. If you dislike it, remember it when you are the one who is late. Keeping people waiting can damage your relationship with them.

What lateness says

When someone is left waiting, it suggests they do not matter, or that you do not care. That is an unpleasant feeling. There are people you should never keep waiting, such as the interviewer at a job interview or a spouse who is waiting for you at the end of the day.

The message you send

Many people count their time as a form of wealth. It is valuable, and they spend it only on what and whom they cherish. Asking someone to meet you is asking them to spend some of that wealth on you. Being late then quietly says that the other person’s hours are worth less than your own.

But I am paying them

You may tell yourself that you pay your staff well, so a late arrival at a meeting is excused. The point is that you pay people for the work they produce, not for the time they spend waiting for you.

Fair exceptions

Some things lie beyond your control: a real emergency, an accident, a natural disaster. Even so, being on time is usually within your reach. Wake earlier, plan the event ahead, allow for traffic, and leave home in good time.

Stress on both sides

No one enjoys being kept waiting, though few admit it. Some people take offence when you are late. They may not take you seriously, they may think you are disrespectful, and worst of all, they may turn up late for the next meeting with you. Do yourself and the other person a favour and be on time.

When penicillin was discovered in 1928, it became one of the first antibiotics to defeat infectious disease. Ever since, antibiotics have been essential for preventing deaths that could have been avoided.

The troubling turn

All through the history of life, organisms have changed and adapted. Single celled bacteria do it faster than most, so fast that a majority are now resistant to a wide range of antibiotics. The United Nations rates the problem as a crisis, in the same class as the HIV epidemic.

What scientists tried

Researchers have taken up the challenge. One group at a university in the United States reported a possible weapon against resistant bacteria, published in the Journal of Antimicrobial Chemotherapy. Their answer lay in a specially built molecule, a peptide conjugated phosphorodiamidate morpholino oligomer, or PPMO for short. They believe it can block an enzyme that some bacteria make, one that carries the code for resistance along with several other genes.

The test

In the study the team paired the molecule with meropenem, an ultra broad spectrum antibiotic of the carbapenem family. Together they worked in mice infected with E. coli that carried the resistance enzyme. Testing on people was expected to begin in about three years, so treat the report as an early step and not a finished cure.

What you can do

Resistance grows every time an antibiotic is used where it was not needed. Take one only when a doctor prescribes it, and finish the course as directed.

Most of us have tried to reason with someone who simply will not be reasoned with. It is frustrating, maddening and sometimes a little frightening. The five skills below help you stay steady, so that you walk away from the conversation with your dignity intact.

Remember that it is about them

When someone lectures you, hands out advice you never asked for, or blames and attacks, they are often describing themselves. Before you react, imagine the same words aimed at the speaker. Do they fit better there? You can even turn the question around and ask whether the person has lived through what they describe, or felt the way they say you should feel.

Ask to be heard without being advised

Sometimes you do want to share something, just not to receive a fix. Say so at the start. Tell the person you would like to tell a story or describe an experience, and that you are not looking for advice. Ask whether they can simply listen while you unload a little. That one sentence heads off a good deal of irritation.

Listen like you mean it

Work out what the person is saying and what they seem to feel underneath the words. Then say it back to them, so they know you understood. Acknowledging what someone has said removes much of the friction from a conversation. You do not have to agree. You only have to grasp where the other person stands.

Give them some room

Perhaps a colleague wants to talk through personal troubles yet again, and you have neither the time nor the energy, with your own work waiting. Answer kindly. Say that you would like to hear more, but that you must get back to your task.

Speak your own truth

Do not be afraid of your feelings, or of saying what is true for you as it arises. Many people get emotionally hijacked because they dread feeling something uncomfortable. They want to get along, so they bottle it up, and the pressure comes out later in a worse form.

Emotional intelligence, often shortened to EI, is the ability to understand and handle your own feelings and those of the people around you. It affects how we manage our behaviour, get through social situations and make personal decisions. People with a higher level of it read the world and its people well, and they adjust their emotions to the place and the moment. Here are seven things they tend to do differently.

They are driven

They see the problems in the world and in people, yet they do not lose heart. They look for new ways around the obstacles and want to improve things for everyone.

They are self aware

They know their strengths and their weak points, and how to work on the weak ones. They are comfortable being who they are and feel secure in it.

They are empathetic

They listen to other people’s troubles and feel real compassion, placing themselves in the other person’s position. They feel the pain without letting it swallow them, and they look for a solution. They do not stay in the dark place of negative feelings.

They are curious

Everything interests them. They keep learning, enjoy new experiences and try several ways of solving one problem to see where each leads. They share what they learn, because knowledge grows when it is passed on.

They handle change well

Most people fear change. They believe it brings something good, that a few things may go wrong for the greater good, and that they will get through whatever comes.

They strike a balance

They are neither all work nor all play. They know what must be done on time and what can wait, and they give themselves breaks. They keep a routine and stick to it.

They do not chase perfection

They know perfection is a myth. They do what feels right at the moment, taking their strengths and weak points into account, and get on with it.

A role model is someone in your field or in your life whom you look up to for guidance or inspiration. You may never speak to them, yet they show you which way to go.

Why they matter

Role models count most for young people. When you face pressure from friends, money problems, an unsupportive home or a hard decision, a role model can offer input and advice where nobody else does. Someone struggling with an illness or a disability can gain a great deal from a person who has come through the same difficulties and can show how to cope.

Who can serve

Almost anyone can play the part. An older sibling, a relative, a teacher, a neighbour, a world leader or your own manager may be the person whose example shapes you most. Ask yourself whom you admire and why. The people you admire now are probably giving you your most useful lessons. Leaders at work matter here too, because a team with positive supervisors as role models gains from it, and so does the whole organisation.

What a good one does

Whatever their line of work, good role models share one trait: their example encourages those who follow to go further. They keep you motivated and lift your confidence.

How to pick

Start with four questions. What are your values, and what type of person do you want to be? What qualities do you need to live by those values? Who, near or far, shows those qualities consistently? What can you learn from how they live and what they have achieved? You can have separate role models for separate areas, such as business, social life and fitness. Write down your goals, find people who have reached what you want, and study them. That study becomes a map.

Keep your perspective

Most of us want success yesterday, and impatience pushes us to slack off or give up. Count the years your role model needed to get where they stand. That count shows how slow real progress is, and how much dedication it asks for.

Anyone who has come home to a wagging tail already suspects that dogs are good for us. A study reported in a scientific journal now gives that hunch some numbers.

What the study found

Researchers looked at records for more than thirty lakh people between forty and eighty years of age. Those who kept a dog were about a third less likely to die during the follow-up period than people living alone without one. Their risk of heart and blood vessel disease was also lower, by roughly eleven percent. In plain terms, a household dog was linked to a healthier and longer life and to a smaller chance of a heart attack.

Why a dog might help

The first reason is movement. A dog has to be exercised, and that means the owner walks, in all weather, most days of the year. Regular walking is one of the best things a person can do for the heart, and here it arrives without any willpower, because the dog insists.

The second reason is company. Dogs are cheerful, and their owners meet more people on those walks. A wider circle of familiar faces adds to happiness, and happiness in turn is good for health.

The bond itself

Dogs are known for loyalty, and the old phrase about a dog being a person’s best friend has lasted for a reason. Their affection asks for nothing in return. Cat lovers may argue the point, but the study is about dogs, and it suggests that this steady, uncomplicated companionship is good for the body as well as the mood.

A fair note

A study of this kind shows a link, not a guarantee. A dog is also a long commitment of time and money, so it suits those ready to walk, feed and care for it for many years.

The more moments you can recall, the fuller your life has been. Being able to bring back a great day in detail, or a fact you need at work, is worth a lot. The encouraging part is that this skill can be built. These habits show how.

Believe in your own memory

Most people decide early that their memory is poor. That belief does harm before any training starts. Approach the effort with a positive mind and treat it as a skill that improves with use.

Attach numbers to meaning

Numbers slip away faster than almost anything else, which is why birthdays and important dates get forgotten. Tie each number to something that matters to you and it gains a hook. A number that stands for a moment in your own life is far easier to keep.

Cut the distractions

Often the trouble is not forgetting but never taking the information in. A mind pulled in three directions stores nothing well. Give one task your full attention, then move to the next. Doing things singly feels slower, yet it saves time later because less needs to be relearned.

Picture it

To remember a situation or an object, build a vivid image of it in your head. The picture gives the fact something to cling to.

Group what you must carry

If you need to buy six things, sort them into three small groups instead of holding one long list. Short clusters are easier to hold than a single string.

Play games that train recall

The simplest is a tray of ten different objects. Look at it for thirty seconds, cover it, then write down everything you saw. Repeat it with a friend setting the tray. Puzzles such as Sudoku, crosswords and the Rubik’s cube add to this, and they also build concentration.

Move and calm down

Stress wears memory down, so reducing it helps. Regular exercise, yoga and meditation all lower stress and leave more room for recall.

When forgetfulness is a warning

Trouble with memory and focus can also accompany a low mood or anxiety. Time outdoors, gentle practices such as yoga or tai chi, and company from friends and family can lighten the load. If the low mood does not lift, speak to a doctor rather than trying to solve it alone.