Tag: Seniors

One of the hardest truths to accept is our own imperfection. Most of us find it easy to point out other people’s flaws, yet the moment someone mentions ours, we turn defensive. If you find it hard to recognise and accept your own mistakes, try these three approaches.

Keep an open mind

A closed mind can hide your faults from you completely, because it persuades you that your beliefs are all correct and that whatever lies beyond your principles must be mistaken. In that case, the mistake itself may be insisting that you alone are right and everyone else is wrong.

Welcome constructive criticism

Do not get hurt or angry when someone gives you negative feedback. Instead of brushing it off, treat it as constructive criticism. Weigh whether the comments are true. If they hold true, have the humility to admit that a change is due.

Review your words and actions

Another way to spot your mistakes is to look back at your actions, words and decisions. The best method is to imagine yourself on the receiving end of them. If someone says you have hurt them, put yourself in their place and try to feel what your action felt like to them.

Why it matters

Recognising a mistake is not the same as punishing yourself for it. It is simply the first step to doing better. People who can say “I got that wrong” tend to grow faster, keep friendships longer and earn more trust, because others know they will be dealt with honestly. Owning your mistakes is a strength, not a weakness.

We all indulge in things we know are not good for us. There are a couple of reasons we keep doing them anyway, and understanding them makes change far easier.

They give us comfort

The first reason is our need for comfort, and our readiness to do whatever delivers it. Everything we do serves some purpose, whether or not we notice it, and comfort is the purpose hiding behind most of it.

The brain is built to chase reward, and for most of us the reward is that feeling of comfort. It triggers the release of dopamine, the feel-good chemical. That makes us crave more of it, and we start linking the good feeling with the habit itself.

This is why bad habits are so hard to stop. They feel comfortable, a kind of safe zone. We are drawn to the reward even while knowing the habit harms us. A cigarette on a work break gets linked in the brain with freedom from work. A drink gets linked with relaxing and letting go after a hard week.

Meanwhile, the idea of exercising, or making any kind of effort, loses out to the far easier idea of settling on the sofa watching a favourite programme. You can see how tightly a habit is tied to its reward.

Everyone else seems to do it

The second reason is that we excuse our bad behaviour when society as a whole seems to accept it. If huge numbers of people are doing the same thing, surely it must be fine for us too. Socially accepted bad habits are everywhere: snacking, skipping exercise, even smoking. We like to follow the crowd.

Using this knowledge

Once you see the mechanism, you can work with it. Ask what comfort a habit is giving you, and look for a healthier way to get the same feeling. Notice when “everyone does it” is doing your thinking for you. A habit loses much of its power once you understand what it is really offering.

A compliment is one of the fastest and easiest ways to help someone feel better about themselves. And there is a bonus: saying something kind to another person makes you feel good as well.

The most memorable compliments rarely mention appearance. They speak to who a person is and what they bring to your life. Here are some worth saying, when you truly mean them:

• You help me see the world in a way no one else has.
• You remind me that people can be good.
• There is a real gentleness in the way you look at people.
• I never knew how much a friendship could mean until ours began.
• You are an inspiration to me.
• Your strength amazes me.
• You are wonderful company. Even on days when we do nothing at all, simply being with you leaves me content.
• Nobody makes me laugh the way you do.
• You have such a good heart.
• You make me want to be a better person.
• Just having you around is reassuring.
• I want to grow into someone like you.
• You are achieving so much. Every day you grow into a stronger, better version of who you were yesterday.
• You bring out the best in the people around you.
• You are more helpful than you realise.

Making it count

A compliment works only when it is honest. Choose the one that fits the person in front of you, and say it plainly, without waiting for a special occasion. Many people carry doubts about themselves that they never mention. A single sincere sentence from you may be the thing they remember for weeks.

To let someone be fully themselves, you have to set aside your judgements about them, their situation and their point of view. When you consciously remember to give people that freedom, you also remind yourself that you want the same space. Practise it, and your relationships change. A sense of freedom enters them, leaving room for you to express who you are and to become more yourself.

Why it is hard

Being genuinely yourself around others is difficult because of the conditioning we absorb from childhood onwards. Much of it happens without our noticing. We play roles, we grow up, and we learn to protect ourselves and our feelings from other people. In time this becomes so habitual that we live on autopilot.

The protection we think we gain by hiding who we are is really created by fear. We fear being exposed, judged and found unworthy. So we keep people out, because there is little trust. That fear isolates us, and deep down we feel lonely, even when we do not appear to be.

Trust is the key

When we trust someone, we feel we can be ourselves around them. When you let others be themselves, you set aside your judgements about them and their ideas. That creates the safety they need to feel free, and to feel at home with you.

Think about the people you count as your closest friends. Very often they are the ones who let you be you, even when you make mistakes or believe things they do not. Deep down, we trust those who do not judge us for our thoughts or our past.

So offer that same space to everyone you meet. Notice how much freer you feel as you set others free.

Long ago, a man came to the Buddha hoping for help. He described one of his problems in detail and asked how he could get rid of it.

“I cannot help you with this problem,” the Buddha said. The man was surprised. He described another problem. Surely the wise one could help him with this at least?

The Buddha only smiled gently. “I cannot help you remove this one either.”

Now the man lost his patience. “How can you be called enlightened if you cannot help people solve their problems?”

The Buddha answered calmly. “You will always have eighty-three problems. Now and then one of them will go away, but another will soon take its place. That I cannot change.”

More puzzled than ever, the man asked, “Then is there any help you can give me at all?”

“I can help you with the eighty-fourth problem,” said the Buddha.

“And what is that?” asked the man.

“The fact that you want to be rid of the other eighty-three.”

What the story points to

The number is not meant literally. The point is that life always carries a certain load of difficulty. As one trouble is solved, another arrives. If we believe peace will come only once every problem is gone, we will wait forever, and that waiting becomes a problem of its own, often the heaviest one.

This does not mean giving up on solving things. Fix what you can. But stop treating problems as an insult, as proof that life has gone wrong. They are simply part of being alive. Once we stop resenting their presence, they become much lighter to carry, and we meet them with a clearer head.

The eighty-fourth problem is the only one fully within our control. Let it go, and the other eighty-three lose much of their weight.

Kaizen is a Japanese word meaning good change: “kai” for change and “zen” for good. In business it describes continuous improvement in every function, at every level, from the head of the company to its most junior worker. It does not matter whether a change is large or small, as long as it is a change for the better.

The same idea works beautifully in personal life. Kaizen’s ground rules can be a real friend in tough situations. They keep your mind open, keep your attention on solutions rather than problems, help you deal with resistance, and give you fresh motivation when things feel stuck. Here they are.

Discard your fixed ideas

Most of us hold firm views about how things should be done and what matters, often only because we have always done them that way. Many of our values were also handed to us in childhood and school, so it makes sense to respect them. Still, stay willing to change. Whenever one idea has you stuck, try imagining the reverse: what if you held the opposite belief, or took the opposite action?

Treat problems as opportunities

Problems are chances to find solutions, develop your talents and grow. In a sense, they are your biggest opportunity: every fresh problem is a prompt for fresh ideas. Waste can nearly always be turned into gold. Injured and unable to train? Some kind of movement is almost always still possible. Work them out with your doctor and share them with others who have the same injury. Poor posture and an uncomfortable chair? Perhaps you design a far better one for people with the same trouble.

Do not blame your surroundings

Casting yourself as the victim of your surroundings surrenders every bit of your power to change things. Lighting one small candle beats complaining about the dark. Look for what is good, and more good tends to appear. Settle accounts with your past for good, then live fully in the present without holding your circumstances responsible.

Seek the wisdom of ten people

Do not lean on a single person’s knowledge. Each of us views the world through a personal lens and from a particular angle. Gather several viewpoints and you move nearer to the whole truth, and your understanding deepens. And the more ideas you gather from different people, the easier it becomes to combine them into something new.

Choose simple over perfect

Perfect timing does not exist, and neither does a perfect solution. Do not delay improvements while you wait for one. Choose a simple fix you can put in place right away, and start. Simplicity beats complexity almost every time.

Like anything worth pursuing, a positive outlook and a happier, more fulfilling life take effort. But what if you could do less and be even happier? You can. It comes down to what you do, not how much of it. Here are five things worth doing less of.

Complaining

Sometimes simply airing a grievance helps us feel a little better. But nobody wants to be around someone who constantly talks gloom and doom. The next time a complaint is about to come out, stop before you start. The old advice holds true: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all.

Judging

We are all guilty of this. Before you hurry to a verdict about someone, stop and give them the benefit of the doubt. Be kind, because everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know little about. Perhaps you would not have handled it any better yourself.

Blaming

Own your part, and stop pointing at others when something goes wrong. At the same time, be fair to yourself. Take responsibility when things go right as well, and let yourself feel the credit.

Worrying

Worrying does let us walk through different possibilities and rehearse how we might respond. But most of what we worry about is not worth the mental space it takes up. Let those worries go, and win back some of your peace of mind.

Overthinking

You have made a list of pros and cons. Perhaps a whole spreadsheet. You have asked your friends and family, and you still cannot decide. Sometimes the best move is to trust your gut and save your energy for the decisions that truly matter.

Notice the pattern. Each of these five habits costs energy and gives very little back. Doing less of them is not laziness. It is making room for the things that actually make life rich.

Your life is very much your own design. Outside forces play a large part in shaping who you become, and so do the resources you happen to have. But the things you did, and the things you did not do, are what brought you to where you stand today. If we want to build the life we wish for, we have to look honestly at what our life is made of. Without that honest review, we cannot make the changes that would carry us towards something better. Here are the areas worth examining.

Your work

For most people, earning a living is less a choice than a necessity, and that often leaves us somewhere we would rather not be. Sometimes you must do things you do not especially want to do. Even so, keep doing your best to move towards the work you truly want.

Your hobbies

Everyone needs some way to spend time outside sleeping, eating and working. Yet a good number of the pastimes we pick end up doing more harm than good. A good hobby should be both enjoyable and beneficial. Try learning something you always wanted to learn, and give time to a pursuit you genuinely love.

Your friends

Friends can lift you towards great things, or become the weight that pulls you down. Many people keep friends who are quietly harmful to their lives. We tend to become like the people we spend our time with. Look honestly at the company you keep.

Your choices

Some of us make the same poor decisions again and again, hoping for a different result. If you do not love the life you are living, the cause is often a pattern of poor choices. Do not just act. Pause and pick apart your decisions before you make them.

Your time

Time is the most valuable resource there is. If anyone could sell it, they would be the richest person on earth. Nobody has managed that yet, so spend the little you have wisely. Time spent productively always pays back.

Your view of change

Accept change, and trust that something can be learned from it. The reason may not be clear at first, but it usually proves worthwhile. Whatever you hold today could be gone by tomorrow. Life moves fast and can swing from calm to chaos in seconds. A single moment can change the direction of a life.

Your sense of reality

We all see the world differently, and each of us carries a private picture of how things work. Very often, that picture does not match the world as it actually is, and we reach conclusions that are simply not true. Questioning our own picture is part of being honest with ourselves.

Have you ever stopped to think how much power sits in the ordinary words you say each day? Could the things that drift out of your mouth, almost without thought, actually shape the outcomes and situations of your life?

Words carry an effect

Think about where your words come from. They are the visible end of your thoughts and beliefs, and those patterns of thought go a long way to shaping a life. They help predict how content and fulfilled you will feel on a given day, or how hopeless and low.

When you speak in the right way, you start to trust yourself more, and your confidence grows. Your staying power increases, and the feeling of being stuck begins to fade. Fear, worry, putting things off and the nagging sense of not having enough all start to loosen their grip.

The opposite is just as true. Speak negatively and think negatively, and you can trap yourself in a loop of fear, scarcity and low self-worth. Could your words be far more important than you have assumed? Could what you say every day affect how happy, healthy and prosperous you become?

Listen to yourself

If you want more happiness and a sense of plenty in your life, start by noticing the words you actually use. Become mindful of them. Listen to what you are saying as if you were someone else hearing it.

When something negative slips out, do not scold yourself. Simply notice it, and get curious about where it came from. Then begin choosing your words with a little more care.

As you keep at it, watch how your outlook shifts and your view of things changes for the better. Kinder, steadier words tend to invite kinder, steadier days. Like any practice, it improves with repetition, and you can begin this very morning.

Your words matter more than you may ever have realised. Start choosing good ones now.

Verbal bullying is a form of hostility or aggression carried out with words alone. It can happen to children or adults, to anyone of any gender, at home, at school or at work. The bully, sometimes called the aggressor, deliberately tries to hurt the target with taunts and mockery.

Not every bully is the same. Different bullies are driven by different reasons, and so there are different ways for a person on the receiving end to respond. Understanding the type you are facing makes it easier to choose the right response, and to stop taking the attack personally.

The self-absorbed bully

This kind of bully is indifferent to how others feel and lives absorbed in their own world. On the surface they appear self-assured and full of confidence, but underneath they are deeply self-centred. Their cruelty is not really about you. It is about feeding their own sense of importance.

The crowd-following bully

Another kind of bully is strongly swayed by the behaviour of the people around them. They may in fact be unhappy and low in self-esteem, and they join in the verbal bullying to win or keep a place in their social group. This kind of bullying is very common among children and teenagers, who can easily give in to peer pressure.

What this means for the rest of us

Seeing a bully clearly takes away some of their power. The taunts say far more about the bully’s own needs than about the person they target. For parents and teachers, the second type is a reminder that a child who bullies may also be a child who is struggling, and that the group around them matters as much as the child. And for anyone on the receiving end, the most important step is not to carry it alone. Speak to someone you trust.