Tag: Young Adults

Compassion is the feeling of sharing another person’s suffering, joined to a wish to ease it. It shows up as particular kindness towards people who are hurting.

It grows out of empathy and is usually visible in what we do. A compassionate person tries to help those they feel for. A compassionate act is one that takes someone else’s pain into account and tries to lighten it as though it were your own. That is what separates compassion from other kinds of helpfulness or decency: its aim is the relief of suffering.

Real compassion takes effort, and the effort is worth it. The writer Ralph Waldo Emerson saw one of life’s finest rewards in this: nobody can honestly try to help another person without also helping themselves.

Listen, and only listen

While someone talks, most of us are rehearsing our reply and waiting for a gap to jump in. Try simply listening. Drop every judgement and give the person all of your attention. There is great healing in telling someone your darkest secret, being properly heard, and still being loved.

Answer the feeling, not the words

Angry words can be covering fear. Blame can be hiding guilt. Argue with what someone literally said and they often dig in harder. Try to understand the emotion underneath and respond to that, and they start to trust you and open up.

Keep your own support around you

We can only give love without conditions when we are also receiving it. Go out, spend time with people you love, and keep living your own life. Refill yourself, or you will have nothing left to give.

See all of them

When a person you care about is sliding down a bad path, it is easy to forget everything good about them. At that moment, deliberately recall one strength they have, perhaps their loyalty, their humour or their patience. Look at the whole person, not the worst of them.

Put yourself in their place

Suffering is shared by everyone. Nearly all of us have known joy and pain. The details differ from person to person, but the themes do not. Recall a time you went through something similar. Dwell on it and remember each feeling and worry you had, and how badly you wanted understanding and kindness from someone walking the same road. Do this often, until it becomes second nature.

Assume there is pain you cannot see

We rarely know what another person is carrying inside. So when someone irritates or offends you, stop for a moment and allow for the possibility that they are struggling with something you know nothing about.

Forgive yourself as well

Turn the same compassion inward. Nobody is perfect. Go easy on yourself when you fall short, because you are as human as anyone else. If your intentions and efforts point the right way most of the time, things will come right in the end.

Make it a daily practice

Reflect on compassion in the morning, keep it in mind as you deal with people during the day, and look back on it at night. Done this way, it stops being an occasional feeling and becomes part of who you are. Love and compassion are not extras for good times; people cannot do without them. Kindness can be your whole philosophy, and it needs no complicated system to support it.

Worry is the thing that keeps so many people staring at the ceiling at night. By day it nags at them while they try to work, enjoy themselves or simply unwind. Here are some simple ways that work for getting past it.

Rein in wandering thoughts

Thoughts need discipline. Do not let them wander wherever they please, drifting like an animal left to graze or a kite whose string has snapped. You are in charge of your thoughts. Keep them on a lead.

Choose optimism, the sensible kind

Be as hopeful as you can while staying reasonable. Optimism is not lying about all day imagining you will one day lead the world’s most powerful country. That kind of fantasy helps nobody. Call up every positive attitude you have and use it to push back against negativity. Life is not all comfort, but neither is it all pain. Steer clear of a gloomy, brooding outlook. Remind yourself that your worries are small when set against your ability to deal with them.

Do not sit alone with it

Try not to be on your own. Ring a friend and meet up, or start a conversation with someone close to you in the family. Keeping busy with jobs around the house also crowds out anxious thoughts.

Find a way to be still

Meditation is widely recommended these days for both physical and mental wellbeing. There are many methods. Pick the one that suits you best. It relaxes the mind and gives you a way out of anxious thinking. Simple breathing exercises often help too.

Face the problem directly

Do not let problems eat away at you. Meet them head on. Very often a problem turns out to be much milder than you feared. People who dread losing the fight tend to put it off, and while they delay, the problem quietly grows. Tackle problems early and remove them before they take root.

Measure yourself against yourself

In a crowded, competitive world, getting ahead of everyone else can look like the only route to success. Make time to take stock of what you are good at and set your ambitions to match. Do not chase what others have. Set your own goals and work towards them. Each person is different, and trying to keep pace with everyone else only adds to your worries and leaves you frustrated for life.

A control freak is someone who wants to decide what everybody else does and exactly how it should be done. What marks them out is an unusually strong need to control other people.

Many are perfectionists underneath. Keeping everything around them under tight command is how they avoid showing their own weak spots. You will meet them in every walk of life, at home, at school and at work, so the useful question is not whether you will face one but how to deal with one. Four approaches help.

1. Smile and stay calm

When someone insists that you do things their way, smile, and then do what you had decided to do. Keep your composure and do not argue. A controller always needs the final word, so the argument drains you and robs you of your peace for nothing. Staying calm is hard at the start. Once you have the knack, their controlling habits slide off you the way water slides off a duck.

2. Do not try to take charge of them

Turning the tables gets you nowhere. In their own world they are in charge of everything and never in the wrong. They have probably never failed at anything, because they only attempt what they are sure they can succeed at; anything else would threaten their sense of control. There is no point trying to do things the way they would call right, since they will find a fault regardless. Do what makes you happy, and return to the first step: smile and stay calm.

3. Be kind, and praise them

Kindness is the most powerful tool here. People like this need more affection than most. They are not content inside, so they try to control everything they can in order to hold on to their idea of happiness. Kindness works surprisingly well. Fight them and they tighten their grip on you. Stay kind and they lose the power to make you lose control, which is often exactly what they were trying to achieve.

4. Choose to forgive

Forgiving the people who wrong you is a strong and freeing act. The person trying to control you may have had little love in their life. Quite likely they were controlled themselves and are simply repeating what they learned. They do not know another way. That is the situation, and you can decide to be the bigger person.

One last thought. When people resent you or envy you, it is often a sign that you are doing something right. Keep going, and do not let anyone pull you down.

Many of life’s finest things cost no money, yet many still take time and persistence to acquire. The important life skills are like that. They are hard to learn and very rewarding once learned, which makes them one of the best investments you can make in yourself. Here are seven worth the effort.

1. Time management

However you divide it, a day holds twenty-four hours and no more. Learning to manage time puts you in control of those hours, and that sharpens your focus. Better focus means better efficiency, because you stop losing momentum. Tasks move faster and the working day seems to fly. Once you have this skill, the nagging sense of not having done enough in a day fades. You feel calmer, more relaxed and more in command of your life.

2. Consistency

People set goals and then lose track of them because their effort comes and goes. Others reach a goal and forget that they must keep up the same effort to stay there. Consistency is what sustains any kind of success.

3. Listening

Good listening prevents misunderstanding. It helps a message land clearly and spares the speaker a good deal of frustration. Every kind of communication depends on it, whether in personal life, daily routine, career or the workplace. Many leading employers pay to train their staff to listen well.

4. Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s feelings and share them. It is often mistaken for sympathy, but the two differ. Sympathy is feeling sorry for someone who has, say, lost a loved one. Empathy is what you show when a friend loses a job and you ask open questions, genuinely trying to feel what that loss means to them. Empathy is a key to success, and it can change how we think, work and lead.

5. Staying in the present

This one is difficult, especially for people who overthink. We replay the past as though we could go back and undo something we said or did. Or we worry about the future so much that we spoil today. Spending your hours on things that have not happened robs you of the chance to enjoy what the present is offering.

6. Mastering your thoughts

Keep your thoughts under your own command. Past experiences and choices have shaped you, but they do not decide your future. Start each day fresh, knowing that every passing day moves you towards the person you are meant to be.

7. Minding your own business

We often step into other people’s affairs because we believe we know better. Leave them to it. Keeping your attention on your own life makes you lighter and more at peace, free of the expectations and disappointments that come from managing everyone else.

It is often said that a keen reader lives a thousand lives. Each finished book widens your world and your thinking, and over time it reshapes who you are.

Plenty of people wish they read more. Some even start well and then let the habit fade out of plain inertia. If that sounds familiar, here are the rewards that might persuade you to make reading permanent.

It makes you sharper

Reading builds real intelligence. It equips you to hold your ground in any argument and to impress people with how much you know.

Your conversations improve

The quality of what you say rises sharply. With everything you have read, you always have something worth talking about, and you do not run dry.

It feeds creativity

Think of whatever you create as the finished product. Reading is the best raw material you can feed into your mind to make it.

Your vocabulary grows

It is close to a law of nature that reading enlarges your word stock, which makes you more articulate and better spoken.

People enjoy your company

Everyone likes spending time with someone well read. The knowledge you pick up from the finest minds in history becomes part of what you bring to the table.

Knowledge travels with you

Books go anywhere; that is their great advantage. If a stack of them feels heavy, an e-reader holds thousands of titles at once and runs for about a month on one charge.

It deepens empathy

Reading lifts us out of hard reality into imagination, where sorrow can become gladness, defeat can become achievement, hurt can ease into delight and dread can soften into hope. An unhappy person can set the unhappiness down for a while. Losing yourself in fiction and caring about its characters also teaches you to understand and feel for real people and their troubles.

Relationships get easier

Books bring you closer to human emotion. You grasp why people behave as they do and can approach your own relationships more calmly and rationally. A book is a loyal friend, and the reading habit can change a life.

It melts stress away

However heavy things are at home or at work, a good book is a shelter you can always step into, and it can carry you somewhere peaceful.

It helps you handle problems

Reading nudges you towards a practical outlook. You start seeing each part of your life from a wider and different angle, and that helps you tackle problems more accurately and more intelligently.

Life, as the writer Harold Kushner put it, is like a good book: the further you read, the more it makes sense.

More people are getting tattoos every year, and the questions about safety have grown with them. Some dangers have been understood for a long time, above all infections spread by needles that were not sterilised. What is still unsettled is how safe the inks themselves are.

A tattoo is designed to last. It is made by needles pushing coloured ink beneath the outer layer of skin. Permanent make-up belongs in the same family; it imitates what an eyebrow pencil, lip liner, eyeliner or blush would do, except that it does not wash off.

What can go wrong

• Infection. A contaminated needle can carry hepatitis or HIV from one person to the next.
• Allergy. Reactions to ink pigments have been recorded for both permanent and temporary tattoos, and they can cause trouble.
• Scarring. Unwanted scar tissue can form while a tattoo is being made, or while one is being removed.
• Granulomas. Small lumps can develop around material the body treats as foreign, such as specks of pigment.
• MRI problems. A tattooed area occasionally swells or burns during a magnetic resonance scan. It is rare and passes quickly.

Checks to make before the needle comes out

• Choose an artist who uses single-use kits, each one individually packed, dated and sealed, with disposable needles and tubes. Watch the new needle and tube come out of the sealed pack just before your session starts.
• Confirm that the parlour holds a proper licence and that the tattooist has plenty of experience.
• The artist should put on fresh sterile gloves for every client and use sterile disposable towels, the same standard you would expect in a dental clinic.
• Watch someone else’s session first. Once work begins, the artist should not touch anything that has not been sterilised.
• Walk away if you see signs of careless practice: blood spatter, grubby work surfaces, no red containers for used sharps, or no visible infection control.
• Ask where the ink was made and bought. An established manufacturer with a long record is the safer source, and it is better still if the artists have used the ink on themselves.
• Ask whether the pigments are organic and free of metals.
• Expect clear aftercare instructions, both written and spoken, for helping the tattoo heal.
• See a doctor if the area shows signs of rash or infection, such as redness, swelling or pus.

Permanent really means permanent

Deciding you no longer want a tattoo does not make it disappear. Removal is slow, expensive and not always successful. The usual method is laser treatment, which sends very short, very intense pulses of light into the skin to break up the ink. Some colours resist more than others. It can take many sessions, several weeks apart, and some trace may remain for good.

If you need a scan

Do not skip an MRI because of a tattoo. Tell the radiologist or technician about it beforehand, so they can take the right precautions.

Age, background and occupation aside, almost everyone wants to succeed. There is nothing wrong with that wish. Whether the arena is business or ordinary life, much of what we do is aimed at getting somewhere. Often there is a missing piece between wanting a goal and reaching it. Here are seven qualities, each beginning with D, that tend to supply it.

1. Determination

If we only want something, the first hard obstacle sends us looking for an easier prize, and we end up achieving nothing. Determination is the tool that stops this. Trying once more, and then once more, however many attempts it needs, calls for courage. Each attempt brings us nearer and shows the target more clearly. Without determination we get close and never arrive. Determination is what closes that last gap and improves us along the way.

2. Dedication

Commit yourself to excellence, and remember that excellence is a road, not a place you reach. Be ready to give up almost anything for the goal, except the things that carry you there: persistence, commitment, enthusiasm, diligence, tenacity, self-belief, appreciation and motivation. Above all, commit to learning for life and stay a student always. Put your time, energy, money and every other resource behind what you want.

3. Discipline

Discipline means doing the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, as well as it can be done. It also means following rules that exist for the good of both the individual and society. Everything has a process and a set of rules, and we follow them not only for ourselves but for the community we live in.

4. Decorum

Decorum is behaving well whatever the situation. Success depends on knowing how to conduct yourself in each setting, because people watch your actions and gestures all the time. A well-mannered person is welcomed everywhere. Decorum reveals character, and others judge where you come from by it.

5. Decency

Decency means being polite in speech, humble in action and efficient at work. Anyone who wants to succeed must be decent in every respect, and that decency shows in everything from how you behave to how you dress.

6. Devotion

Devotion must be sincere and honest. Success comes only to a person who is fully devoted to the work, doing each task wholeheartedly. People who treat their work as something close to sacred are the ones who rise.

7. Development

The seventh D is the destination of the other six. Follow those six and you move naturally towards development. Overall growth is emotional, inner, mental, physical and psychological growth taken together.

An extra D: deadline

Do not let your dreams become a comfortable hiding place you visit when life gets you down. Turn each dream into a goal and give it a deadline. Write the goals down. Doing so pushes you to make the dream real, instead of treating it as an escape from reality.

Plenty of students feel their stomach drop when a teacher says, “You are next, and you have two minutes.” That fear makes sense. It is also beatable, because speaking on the spot is a technique, and a technique can be learned.

An extempore speech is built in the moment. At best the organiser gives you a minute or two to collect your thoughts. What gets judged is how well you think, frame and carry yourself under that pressure, in a short burst of words.

Know your subject, and know your listeners

You cannot speak well about something you do not understand. Any fact or figure you use must be correct and must fit the point you are making. Put your ideas in a sensible order, so one leads into the next. Give steady information that stays on the topic. A well-chosen quote can lift the content, but only if it belongs there. Hold on to your core points, tell them in sequence, and resist wandering off into side roads.

Let your body speak for you

Your posture tells the room how sure you are before you say a word. Keep your head up. Hold the microphone at one steady distance from your mouth. Look people in the eye; that is how the message lands. Let your face show that you understand what you are saying. This is a stage event, so aim to leave a good impression.

Confidence comes from knowledge

There is no preparation time, so your confidence rests almost entirely on what you already know. Whether the topic is abstract or familiar, the test is the same: presence of mind, consistency and sound reasoning. Trust what you know and speak without fear.

Vary your voice

Voice carries character, mood and feeling. It should shift with what you are saying. A speech delivered entirely at a high pitch tires the ear, and so does one held low throughout. Mix your range, so tone and intonation match the content.

Respect the clock

Impromptu speaking runs against time. Skill, energy and delivery matter, but so does finishing within the limit. A valuable speech that fits the given duration is exactly what an audience hopes for.

Choose a direction before you begin

Decide how you will deliver the speech before you open your mouth. The quickest way is to read the room. Who is listening, and which approach will they accept most readily? A speech pitched in language that suits the listeners earns far more praise.

Sketch a quick outline

Take a moment to plan in your head. Many of the worst speeches come from people who started talking before they had sorted their thoughts. The outline does not need detail. It only needs to keep you on track.

Why the practice is worth it

• It trains you to think creatively and on your feet.
• It builds communication skills and a sense of time.
• It pushes you to produce ideas without any preparation.
• It teaches you to handle a question in the moment.
• It sharpens logical thinking and reasoning.
• It is excellent training for the interviews and meetings that come later in life.

Opportunities slip by while we wait on the sidelines for conditions to be just right. The truth is that everything is never going to line up perfectly, and the only real answer is to stop waiting and start taking small steps forward.

How the waiting shows up

Our fears show themselves in many disguises, procrastination, frustration, anger and a long list of excuses. The simplest way to stretch out any delay is to insist on perfect alignment first, telling ourselves we cannot do one thing because another thing is not yet in place. Almost everyone does this before taking any kind of risk, using the idea of perfection either as a yardstick to compare themselves against or as a convenient way to keep putting things off.

Perfect will never arrive

No job posting is ever going to line up with your skill set down to the last detail, and you will never land a role you never apply for in the first place. A niche market is never going to sit there completely untapped waiting for you, and a website is never going to feel entirely finished. Yet if you never apply, never choose a market, and never publish that website, you will never move any closer to what you are aiming for.

Failure rarely hurts as much as feared

Failing, or falling short of perfect, almost never turns out to hurt as much as we brace ourselves for. Nearly everyone has failed at something, some more than others, and everyone has lived to tell the story afterward. It is not always kind to the ego, but it remains one of the biggest sources of real learning. Failure shows us what to avoid the next time and pushes us to try again. Missing out on a job offer is not really failure, it is often a useful sign that the fit was not right, and it is far better to learn that before investing months settling into a role that was never going to work.

Start before everything is lined up

Perfect alignment is not coming, so waiting for it only holds you back from creating, exploring, achieving and becoming who you want to be. Begin taking small steps if the big leap feels too overwhelming. Stop telling yourself one day, and start going after what you actually want, even while pieces of the picture are still out of place.

The path ahead keeps shifting, and the direction our life takes can turn dramatically at almost any moment, once we decide to actively steer it rather than drift along. Nothing about that direction happens on its own, without some effort from us. Each of us is the one shaping and holding on to our own path forward, a role nobody else is entitled to and nobody else can fill in our place. Getting there starts with a handful of deliberate steps.

Entertain the possibility

You do not need a deep, unshakeable conviction that your life can change. All it takes to begin is a willingness to consider that change might be possible, paired with genuine curiosity about a path you cannot yet fully see. Something as simple as telling yourself that you are open to changing the course of your life can open that door.

Listen to yourself

We need to pay closer attention to ourselves, starting with the small sparks of excitement that pass through us and that we too often postpone. Perhaps it is an urge to dance more, or to try something you keep telling yourself does not really matter. It matters more than it seems, because part of you needs it, and acting on it can ripple through your whole life, opening doors you never imagined. Those small sparks and quiet urges are destiny speaking, daring you to accept the invitation.

Connect more openly

Taking charge of your destiny also means opening your heart, little by little, and taking the risk of being more vulnerable with the people around you. This deepens your connection to yourself as much as to others. All of life is a shared creation, and the path your life takes is shaped the same way.

Never give up on yourself

Choosing to change your life invites resistance, often from a part of yourself that instantly tries to pull you back toward what feels familiar and safe. Old voices and old doubts can grow louder, and the approval of others can start to feel more important than the quiet call for something more within you. Expect to have to push through that resistance.

Aim high

Dream big, think beyond the obvious, and be willing to let go of who you currently are in order to grow into who you want to become. Once you commit to what you truly love, failure may still visit you along the way, but keep your attention on the happiness waiting for you once you arrive. The idea is captured well in a thought often traced to an early twentieth century American political figure, that destiny is shaped by deliberate choice rather than left to chance, and that it needs to be built through action rather than simply awaited.