Tag: Adults

Do you sometimes feel you cannot stop giving yourself a hard time? Being harsh with yourself only makes problems bigger.

When things do not go your way, it is easy to turn hard and bitter. There is nothing wrong with feeling low when life is tough, but remember that bad times do not last for ever. If you can get past the bitterness, the bad times actually end sooner. Avoiding that trap is not always easy, but these steps help.

Find the root cause

Working out what is making you bitter is the first step to recovering. Whether you are going through a breakup and feel the sting of seeing other happy couples, or you are simply unhappy with how your life has turned out, identify the source first.

Make small changes

Changing your life is easier when you do it one small step at a time. If a change feels too big to manage alone, you are probably trying to do too much at once. Taking it step by step works especially well for overcoming bitterness and a negative outlook in general.

Quieten the overthinking

Your mind can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Remember that you do have control over it, even when it does not feel that way. When you are bitter, your mind becomes the enemy, and it gets harder to hold back the negative thoughts that keep circling.

Notice the little things

Learning to enjoy the small things you normally take for granted is a big step towards letting go of bitterness.

Face problems squarely

Instead of punishing yourself when you fail, learn to get past failure. Work on your weak spots and close the gaps.

Go easy on yourself

Making peace with, and sincerely regretting, whatever contributed to how you feel is one of the best ways to leave the negativity behind. Practise positive self-talk and release any hard feelings you hold towards yourself before they grow into a bigger problem.

Allow yourself a treat

One more thing makes each day a little happier: treating yourself. Whatever you enjoy, a favourite dessert or a new pair of shoes you have had your eye on, go and enjoy it now and then. At the end of the day, you need to be kind to yourself too.

Some people and circumstances will always be beyond our control. Our response to them goes a long way towards deciding the quality of our lives.

The teacher who hired an irritant

Old stories tell of wise teachers who welcomed an annoying pupil into their community. One even describes a teacher who paid a tiresome man to stay among his pupils. To ordinary eyes, that makes little sense. Why invite trouble in?

Seen from the angle of inner growth, though, irritation can be a valuable teacher and a useful signal of progress. Staying calm and alert while you feel uncomfortable is far more impressive than staying calm when everything is arranged to suit you. However good we become at managing our surroundings, some things and some people will always be beyond our control.

Growth is not about controlling everything

The aim of personal growth is not to control our environment; that wish comes mostly from the ego. Having some influence over what happens around us matters, of course. But the real measure is what we do when a person or situation irritates us and we choose not to react. That is when we know we have grown. Only once we have mastered our inner world do we truly become the masters of our lives.

Where patience is actually built

If we never learn to handle irritations gracefully, we move further away from the qualities that come with maturity: patience, tolerance and acceptance. It is exactly the people and moments that grate on us that give us the chance to build those qualities. Life offers plenty of such chances every day.

A small practice

The next time someone gets under your skin, treat it as a rep in a mental gym. Notice the flash of irritation, take one breath before you answer, and ask what response the calmest version of you would give. Each time you manage it, the muscle gets a little stronger.

Staying encouraged is a real challenge, and sometimes a small hobby or habit is what gets you through.

Have you ever tried to talk yourself into a task you have always wanted to do? It helps to have a few activities ready that motivate you, especially on days when you are your own sole supporter. Here are three that work.

Post sticky notes

The beauty of sticky notes is that they can go anywhere: around the house, on a mirror, even in the car. Jot down short, cheering lines addressed to yourself and put them where your eyes will land. Whenever you feel low or discouraged, the notes are waiting to remind you to keep going. It is a small act, but it means your own best voice is always within reach.

Take up photography

This creative hobby reliably lifts the spirits. Taking part in photo shoots builds confidence and helps you feel good about how you look. It takes courage to step in front of a camera and give your best, and you may find you are exactly that kind of person. Photography also pairs naturally with travel; the two go together like bread and butter, and each makes the other richer.

Read uplifting books

At times, someone else’s ideas are exactly what steer you the right way. Motivational reading is good for building both knowledge and confidence. Reading something uplifting exists to improve how you live, and there are plenty of books written to do just that.

The common thread

Each of these puts encouragement somewhere you can reach it without waiting for anyone else: on a note, behind a lens, or on a page. On the days nobody is cheering, you can still cheer yourself.

You can stop other people’s thoughtlessness from getting under your skin by choosing how you react and how you communicate. The irritation is theirs to create; whether it lands is up to you.

Ignore the careless person

If someone thoughtless is bothering you, you are free to disregard them. You can simply not respond. If you are in a group, turn your attention to someone else. Silence is often the quickest way to take the sting out of a provocation.

Do not take the bait for an argument

When someone is itching to argue, just do not. It is not your job to show them how immature they are by getting drawn into petty quarrels. Every argument you decline is time and energy you keep for yourself.

Remember that nobody can read minds

Stop inventing stories in your head, such as believing the person in front of you is walking slowly on purpose to make you late. Most people who annoy us have no idea they are doing it. The story we tell ourselves about their intentions is usually far worse than the truth.

Speak up kindly when you must

If something does need saying, there is no need to be rude. Tell the person politely that their behaviour is not what you expected. A calm word usually works better than a sharp one, and it leaves your own dignity intact.

The quiet principle

Every minute you spend fuming about someone else’s behaviour is a minute they are living in your head without paying rent. Protect that space. Decide who gets your attention, and let the rest pass by.

Some breakups cannot be avoided, and sometimes staying in a relationship drains you more than leaving it. Either way, life has to go on, and it helps if it goes on well. Here are some ways to heal emotionally after a breakup.

Why it hurts so much

When love is taken away, it affects you deeply. Once the emotional bond is cut, the pain is real. It comes from having trusted your partner with your heart and then having that trust broken. It can feel unbearable, and you may wonder whether you will ever recover and whether the ache will ever fade. Healing is possible, as long as you allow the process to happen. Once you have healed, you will recover and can move on with your life.

Let grief move through you

You do not manage grief; grief manages you. It behaves like a sudden storm far out at sea. It arrives without warning, and however hard you try to dodge it or push it down, you cannot. Let the tears, the shouting and the sobbing come out. If you need to cry, cry. Grief needs to be released, the same way the body sometimes simply has to let something out. You have no choice about it, and there is no shame in it.

Do not carry it alone

Do not suffer in silence. Kept inside, the pain can grow and spill into almost every part of your life, including your other relationships. Open up to a person you are close to, or one who truly gets you, and describe what is going on inside.

Acknowledge and understand

It is normal and human to go through a whole range of feelings. Disappointment and hurt follow every breakup. Even so, learn gradually to steer those feelings towards something more productive.

Make new friends

Some people feel awkward reaching out to their usual circle straight after a breakup. New acquaintances can ease that. When you would rather avoid being quizzed about what happened, or face the subject with people who know you well, spend time with new acquaintances until you have healed. Meanwhile, do not neglect or embarrass the people who have stood by you all along.

Leaders with an air of modesty have been found to produce better work themselves and to lift the quality of their team’s performance in many ways. Four qualities explain why.

They include people

Modest leaders feel no need to be better than, apart from, or above the people they lead. They actively invite other people’s views and suggestions, and they mean it. They are comfortable asking for input, yet can be just as decisive when a situation calls for a firm call.

They stay composed

Effective leaders can live with uncertainty instead of fighting to control everything. They accept that not every outcome can be foreseen or planned. Where humility is present, a leader has the calm to wait and see how unclear factors settle before deciding. Such leaders are fine examples of letting things unfold instead of forcing them, and that is exactly the habit they hope their team will copy.

They value independence

Humble leaders take care to hire good people, train them well and then step aside, so those people have room to run their own work. They readily accept that other approaches can be just as good as theirs, and that their hires may outshine them at particular tasks. When people are free to use their best skills and feel valued for what they contribute, teams succeed.

They stay optimistic

Modest leaders show real self-awareness, along with an understanding of each person on their team. They use that insight to treat every team member according to their individual needs. Their optimism makes people want to live up to the standard. It takes steady humility to stay positive when things are not going perfectly.

When you no longer feel the need to keep looking back, you are heading the right way.

Welcoming your emotions is not negative, harmful or weak. It is the opposite. Feeling things strongly is healthy and useful. Here are three reasons to stop judging your emotions and get on with living.

Your feelings belong to you

When you judge your feelings and push them down, you are pushing down a piece of yourself. Letting them in means you actually live your life instead of just getting through it. Your emotions have a lot to tell you about who you are, and they can lead you towards new experiences.

Judging them blocks healing

When you judge your feelings and bury them deep inside, you take away your own ability to recover from them when you need to. Grief is a good example. Part of grieving is simply to grieve: to be sad, to be angry, and even to be in denial for a while. Going through all of that is how the heart heals. If you never let yourself truly feel, you may end up doing more harm, to yourself and to the people around you.

Judging them stirs up extra emotions

When you label a feeling as weak or unjustified, you can set off a second round of emotions that never needed to appear. You end up angry at yourself for feeling low, or ashamed of being afraid. The original feeling was hard enough; judging it adds a new layer on top.

A gentler way

Next time a strong feeling arrives, try naming it without a verdict: “I am sad,” not “I should not be sad.” Feelings pass through far more quickly when they are allowed in than when they are fought at the door.

When were you last alone? Properly alone: no people, no noise, no devices, no distractions of any kind. Just you and your thoughts.

We are never really alone any more

Our devices keep us permanently connected to everyone else. Social networks, instant messages and emails never stop. Technology has put other people one click away and made the world much smaller.

At the same time, work has swung hard towards collaboration. The buzzwords never end: group thinking, team building, engagement, cooperation, open culture. The lone genius is going out of fashion and teamwork rules. Both trends reflect the times, but between them they have crowded out something vital: solitude.

Alone is not the same as lonely

The value of time alone should not be written off. Sadly, our culture has turned being alone into a kind of oddity, something a well-adjusted person is not supposed to experience. The point here is being alone, not being lonely, though the two have become muddled. Solitude has a great deal to offer every part of life, and everyone should make a deliberate effort to have some regularly.

Being alone can feel frightening. It makes us question things: ourselves, our choices, our lives. The world offers so many distractions that we can spend nearly a lifetime never pausing to reflect on what we are actually doing. The constant chatter buries our most important thoughts, and without room to develop, our finest ideas may never form. We need to clear some room.

What chosen solitude gives you

• Freedom. You are fully in charge and can let the moment take you anywhere. No agendas to follow, no personalities to please, nobody to compare yourself with. You see people and the world in a new light.
• A slower pace. You notice and enjoy what is around you and think about your life on purpose, instead of reacting to the endless demands piled onto you every day.
• Your own good company. Time alone lets you get to know yourself and relax without worrying what others think. Be your own best company and you will never be without a friend.
• Things you would never do otherwise. Alone, we think, read, write, reflect, observe and explore far more than we do amid the bustle. Priorities shift and life gets simpler. Whether or not you are surrounded by people all day, some deliberate time to let your thoughts roam is good medicine for all of us.

Find it anywhere, in balance

You can find solitude almost anywhere; it just takes a little extra effort. Notice the quiet gaps in your day and make the most of them. One word of caution: the aim is not to be alone all the time. Connection and teamwork have real value, but they need balance, and right now most of us lean a little too far towards being connected. So take some time for yourself. You may enjoy it far more than you expect.

The poet May Sarton put it well: loneliness is a poverty of the self, while solitude is its richness.

Lying has become an everyday habit for many people, and it can lead to serious trouble, both in the mind and in life. The piece this post draws on was written for women, but its reasons apply to anyone. Here are four good reasons to stop.

1. Truth makes you brave

Telling an awkward, inconvenient truth takes more courage than telling a risky lie. Strong, wise people put truth first, especially where feelings and relationships are involved. The truth may sting in the moment, but the person on the other side will respect you for having the courage to say it.

2. Lies do not solve problems

Do you believe a few white lies will make your problems go away? If so, think again. Lies do not remove problems; they double them. Honesty is the best policy in every situation. Step out of that game: be honest, and accept what follows from your actions.

3. Lies create inner conflict

Lying sets up a war inside you. It creates stress that drags down your mood and hands you fresh problems. Worse, lying can become a habit, and one lie needs another to hide it, and then another. Over time it wears away your confidence and your self-respect.

4. Truth means less stress

Honesty leaves you less tense and less low, because you no longer have to keep track of every white lie or worry about being found out. Many people find that honesty leaves them calmer, healthier in spirit and clearer in their thinking.

The simple test

Before a small lie slips out, ask one question: will I have to remember this? The truth never needs remembering. That alone makes it the lighter load to carry.

Owning up to your weak spots is hard. Find the will to do it, though, and a surprising number of rewards follow. Here are the reasons it is worth the effort.

It makes you braver

Owning up to your shortcomings takes real courage. Only someone brave and strong-willed can look at their own weak spots without flinching.

It makes you a better person

Admitting that you have flaws is the first step towards improving. It also brings a natural modesty and humility that others notice and respect.

It lets you be at ease with yourself

Accepting your flaws means accepting yourself as you really are. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, a deep calm follows, a clean and quiet sense of peace. It also gives your life a feeling of stability.

It points you towards a better future

When you accept that something is missing, you can head deliberately towards filling that gap. In that way your flaws become the starting point of a plan. Embracing them shows you are willing to change things for the better.

It improves your relationships

Admitting you were wrong, instead of stubbornly trying to prove your point, does wonders for how you get on with people, especially your partner. It also makes it easier to love yourself, and to love others.

It builds success and empathy

Accepting your flaws and working on them is the surest route to success. It also makes you gentler with other people’s shortcomings, because you know how it feels to have your own.

It makes you stronger, and keeps you growing

Facing your flaws and weaknesses strengthens you emotionally and mentally, so you can take setbacks in your stride. And once you accept that you are imperfect, you never grow complacent. You keep trying to improve and to do better, and that steadily makes your life better too.