Tag: Adults

Stress has become part of the way we live. Hardly anyone today stays calm at the slightest provocation, and few people escape a visit to the doctor for blood pressure, diabetes or heart trouble. The race to keep up in a competitive world, the extra effort every task seems to demand, the constant pressure to perform and packed schedules all add to the load. The piece this post draws on was written with busy women in mind, but the advice works for anyone who wants to live life on their own terms rather than on stress’s.

Things to stop worrying about

• Going over situations that have not even happened.
• Living anywhere but in the present moment.
• What other people think of you.
• What you do not have, instead of what you do.
• A job you can see no future in.

Honour your core values

Each of us lives by a handful of core values, such as honesty, integrity, kindness, courage, respect, commitment and a positive outlook. They guide us through life, help with everyday decisions and shape how we treat others. Being aware of your values and living by them matters a great deal. Honouring them clears your mind and helps keep stress under control. Speak up for yourself and stand firm. Your wellbeing rests on it.

Make time for what you enjoy

Along with regular exercise, give yourself the chance to do other things you like: a film, a coffee with a friend, a game with your dog. Enjoyable activities pull you out of stressful surroundings and let you relax for a while.

Give yourself a hug each day

Not necessarily a literal one. Soak in a warm bath, light some candles, loop a favourite song, ring a friend, treat yourself to a massage or take a short retreat. Do whatever helps you feel looked after. Stress can leave you feeling neglected, worn out and helpless, and carving out time to slow down and simply be with yourself is one of the best ways to cut it down.

Smile through the day

A smile goes a long way in keeping you, and the people around you, free of stress. When you smile at someone, they nearly always smile back. You spread a little positivity, and you gain a lot from it yourself. Even if the smile feels forced at first, keep at it. Once it becomes a habit, you will see the benefit.

The more you surround yourself with positive things, the more you will notice the stress easing, and that does a great deal to make life feel good again.

Do you use anger in a positive way or a destructive one? The encouraging news is that anger, used well, can bring about change both in the world and inside ourselves.

Anger is a feeling of distress that comes from feeling helpless or powerless. It is unusual among emotions. Sometimes it does harm, but sometimes it also creates positive feelings that push you to do things you care about.

Emotional intelligence

People who let themselves feel helpful but uncomfortable emotions like anger, say when they confront someone, tend to score higher in emotional intelligence than those who would always rather feel cheerful than cross or low. Choosing an unpleasant feeling can sometimes serve you well, and the opposite holds too.

What anger does

Views on anger differ. On one hand, it is basically a signal that something is wrong. On the other, it differs from other negative feelings because it makes us rely more on quick mental shortcuts. Constructive anger is a strong form of social communication and a sensible part of our emotional toolkit. It is a driving force that not only moves us towards what we want but also fuels optimism, creative thinking and problem solving by focusing the mind sharply.

Slow down

Truly furious people are not known for stopping to think. But to get the most from your anger, resist the urge to rush. Think of anger as coming in fast and slow forms: the moment you want to scream, and the moment you want to move someone in a measured way. When you are angry, allow yourself a pause, even if someone is waiting for your reply. You can even tell them you are deliberately slowing things down. People often talk of turning anger into positive energy, and in fact anger itself is a kind of energy and a strong motivator. Research has shown that it can push us on towards our goals when problems and barriers get in the way.

Know your triggers

Learning to recognise what sets off your anger, together with a willingness to change how you instinctively react, creates good conditions for emotional growth. And the progress we make tends to stick. Positive change is most likely when a person watches their own traits and notices which situations bring out good or bad emotions.

The upside of anger

Anger moves people to act. Most negative feelings make us want to avoid a situation, as fear does, but anger usually makes us approach it. It lifts confidence, optimism and willingness to take risks, all of which are needed when the alternative is losing something that matters to you. Anger also affects how others see you: it signals that you have the strength and resolve to act, and people who show anger constructively are often seen as more capable and credible.

Negative feelings such as anger, sadness and disappointment are not only essential to our survival, they can also, oddly, help us feel good. To live fully and handle life’s challenges, we need the whole range of emotions we are born with.

Self-care keeps us well in body and mind, yet it is often the first thing we drop when time runs short. Without enough of it, we are unlikely to be at our best, and our relationships, our work and our whole experience of life suffer. It may feel backwards, but the moments we feel least able to care for ourselves are exactly when we need it most.

When life gets hectic, looking after ourselves quietly drops off our list of jobs. It is easy to believe it can wait while other things come first. Without it, though, we burn out fast, and we cannot give our best to family, friends or work if we have nothing left. Self-care lets us regroup and recharge. It is simply looking after yourself, and it is not only about a massage. It is anything you do to protect and improve your health, wellbeing, happiness and sense of fulfilment.

The old sayings put it well: you cannot pour from an empty cup, and you should fit your own oxygen mask before helping others. You cannot care for anyone else if you do not care for yourself first, and that matters even more when you have children and a family. So start with the basics.

Let yourself feel

Busy people are very good at avoiding their feelings. We keep ourselves occupied so there is never time to think or feel, and we run from our own thoughts as if we could drown them out. Distraction from hard thoughts helps now and then, but if we never let ourselves feel them, they pile up. Try to face them in small, short doses.

Get moving

You probably know that exercise lowers the risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes. It also helps protect memory and thinking. Studies suggest that the parts of the brain linked to thinking and memory are larger in people who exercise. The usual recommendation is about 150 minutes a week, but it is fine to start small and build up.

Eat for nourishment

Fruit and vegetables are full of nutrients, yet many people do not get enough from their food and end up relying on supplements. Supplements are an option, but since you have to eat anyway, you might as well choose foods that are rich in nutrition.

Block out the time

Self-care matters, so give it priority. To stop it slipping into the not-enough-time zone, put it in your diary the way you would any appointment. It can be a private diary or a shared one, and you need not say what it is. Just call it a personal appointment. Writing it down makes you far more likely to keep it.

Small daily habits

These cost hardly any effort, and most take less than five minutes:

• Set up a morning routine for yourself.
• Reward yourself, and automate whatever you can.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Each evening, recall the three high points of your day.
• Spend time with the people you love, and make something with your hands.
• Get the simple tasks out of the way first.
• Do not rush, and keep your targets achievable.

However busy we are, and whatever is happening in our lives, we matter. Support is available when we need it. At times our own needs must come first. Feeling secure and cared for is something we are entitled to, and it is worth carving out time for, however full the days get.

We are forever on the move, stressing ourselves with tasks and wanting more than we already have. A simple, happy life can start to feel out of reach. Simplifying, though, comes down to small changes that make a big difference. Here are a few to help you live more contentedly.

Want less

We often pin our happiness on getting the latest gadget or some trophy, and until it is ours we feel restless. Once we have it, the good feeling slips away almost at once, like sand running through our fingers.

Free yourself from things

The endless chase for the next best thing takes away your freedom to think clearly and sensibly. It eats up precious time and adds stress you do not need. The fix is simple. Before you go after something, check whether you genuinely need it. Would it ease your stress or make a tough job simpler? Spend only on real needs. Buying things to cheer yourself up only distracts you and heals nothing. The cycle of buying and wanting never brings peace or real happiness. It brings anxiety, stress, frustration and anger.

Keep goals, but fewer of them

It is good to have ambitions and to work towards them, but some people become obsessed. There is no harm in cutting down the number of goals you are chasing, as long as you keep at least one or two. With fewer targets, your focus sharpens, and in the end your success rate improves.

Let go

Release your expectations to live more simply. You cannot do everything, and the things you keep wishing you had done you probably would not have done anyway. When life starts to feel like too much, stop, sit down and take a break. Stop doing and simply be for a while. Take a nap, go for a walk or do nothing at all. Your best work will grow out of that ability to just be. Drop some of your demands, accept the present moment, and you will find your way to a truly happy and healthy life.

Healthy self-love is the balance point between low self-esteem, which is a shortage of self-love, and grandiosity, which is an inflated, false self-love that covers up for the lack of the real thing. Changing your mind, body and inner life starts with growing genuine self-love. Here are six keys.

First key: Become aware of yourself

What do you keep telling yourself? Do you listen to your thoughts, sift them and question them?

Second key: Look after your body

Your body serves you and represents you. Treat it with the care you would give something precious. If you do not, you are unlikely to build self-love. Harming your body works directly against it and defeats the purpose. Your body does not just serve you, it also shows the world who you are. Treat it with respect.

Third key: Refine your inner life

When you connect with your deeper self, something shifts inside. It does not matter what you believe, or whether you believe in anything at all. What matters is that you have some daily practice that refines you within. If you do not already have one, such as quiet reflection or meditation, explore what is out there or create your own. You can begin at any age. For some it is playing or listening to music that lifts the spirit. For others it is a mix of things. Make time to build your relationship with yourself by doing something that uplifts you.

Fourth key: Make time for yourself

Every day you need some time alone to feel centred. Far from being selfish, it is vital to your wellbeing. Use it to develop your thinking and sharpen your sensitivity, perhaps on a quiet walk in nature or in some still time alone. It is the best investment you can make in yourself.

Fifth key: Find your purpose

What is your life for? Are you simply waiting for the weekend, or for the next television show? Or is there something deeper and bolder, a goal bigger than yourself that shapes the person you hope to become and what you want to say to the world? Write a personal mission statement that fits your values. It is the next step in growing as a person and in finding happiness, because it tells the world who you are.

Sixth key: Treat every day as practice

In the end, a lifetime is the total of what you did, what you lived through and where your hours went. What would you like people to remember about you? Each day is a chance to practise being that person. How you use it is a question only you can answer.

Why it is worth it

• You deserve to be loved without conditions, whatever you have done.
• Self-love brings a natural confidence and warmth that draw people to you and help you succeed.
• It enriches not only your own world but other people’s too, and lets you influence them in a meaningful, positive way.
• You come to rely on your own judgement instead of searching elsewhere for answers, approval or rescue. That is real freedom.

Going with the flow means being able to accept what cannot be changed, to be at peace with what happened in the past and leave it there, to live with the uncertainty of the future and the imperfection of today.

How we live is largely a choice. We can live in constant battle, fighting our true selves, dwelling on our faults, trying to change the people around us and staying unhappy with the way things turn out. Or we can appreciate everyone, ourselves included, for who they are, without judging. We can trust that things are fine just as they are at this moment, that they will be different tomorrow, and that they will still be all right.

When something does not work, accept it and move on. When you fail or make a serious mistake, make peace with it. Take it as the experience and lesson it is, and do better next time. That is what acceptance really means.

It is the opposite of change and struggle. It means being fully at ease with things as they are, still making the best of what you have, but without forcing change, straining too hard or feeling cheated. You simply go with the flow.

Focus on what you have

The truth is that we all have far more than we realise. If we look around and notice the small and big things we take for granted every day, we will feel rich.

Be content with it

Now recognise that what you have is enough to make you happy, and appreciate it. Give thanks for it each morning. Make time for the people in your life, the things you love doing and the opportunities that come your way.

Do not run from reality

We all have problems we would rather forget, and we find all sorts of ways to avoid them. Even if you are not ready to deal with them yet, you can still accept that they exist. That is not as hard as it sounds. Burying them deep inside is far worse, and far more harmful to your mind and your wellbeing.

Be present

Awareness is not our strong point these days. We are always rushing, going over yesterday with regret or worrying about what tomorrow might bring. Yet things are seldom as bad as we imagine. So pause now and then, take a deep breath and look around. Life is still beautiful and worth living, whatever troubles we face.

How you experience the world happens in the privacy of your own mind. You rule that inner space, so it pays to notice what kind of mental climate you are building for yourself.

Negative thoughts can stir up anxiety, anger, resentment, jealousy and a whole range of other feelings. Thinking negatively now and then is normal. But when it never stops, it can drag a person into deep unhappiness and harmful behaviour. Our thoughts come and go so fast that catching them can seem impossible. With awareness, and a gentle attitude towards ourselves, we can still steer the negative ones towards something better.

The story of two wolves

An old folk tale shows the biggest contest we ever face: good thoughts against bad ones.

An old man was teaching his grandson about life. He told the boy that a fight was raging inside him, a terrible fight between two wolves. The first wolf was everything dark in us: rage, jealousy, grief, regret, greed and arrogance, along with pity for oneself, guilt and bitterness, feeling small or feeling superior, lying, vanity and ego. The second wolf was everything bright: joy, peace, love and hope, serenity and humility, kindness, goodwill and empathy, generosity, honesty, compassion and faith. That same struggle, he said, goes on within the boy and within every human being.

The boy thought for a moment and asked which wolf would win.

The old man answered simply: the one you feed.

Guard the gate of your mind

To build a good inner world, you have to become the gatekeeper of your own mind. Changing your mental habits and the way you talk to yourself is not easy. Happiness depends on having an alert inner referee who lets in only what truly helps you. Without regular, careful reflection, you may already have woven a web of unhealthy thinking without noticing.

Stop feeding on junk

A steady diet of stressful and anger stoking material does your mind no favours. Constantly filling it with this mental junk food will quickly reshape your thinking for the worse. Break that cycle now. How good your inner life feels is something you can change.

Nobody can be liked by everyone, and some people simply do not get along. That is perfectly fine. Sometimes, though, it really matters that a particular person warms to you. They might matter to someone dear to you, or they might be the person you report to. In any case, here are some ways to win over someone who seems to dislike you.

Check that it really is dislike

Some people are just quiet, or naturally reserved with everyone. It is only real dislike if they keep being rude to you and go out of their way to make your life harder. Before you do anything, compare how they treat you with how they treat others, and do not overreact.

Talk to them directly

Sometimes the straightforward route is the best one. Choose a good moment and calmly ask why the two of you seem to have started off badly.

Look honestly at your own part

Was it something you said or did? Think about how you generally behave and about your past dealings with this person. If their dislike turns out to be your fault, consider saying sorry and starting again.

Try kindness

Give warmth a chance, even when they are being unpleasant. Be kind to them a few times and see whether they meet you halfway. Do not go overboard. Give them a fair chance to respond in kind, and if they do not, simply keep a polite distance.

Keep things normal

Speak to them the way you would to anyone else. At the start of the week, ask how their days off went. You do not need to sit beside them and chatter. One friendly gesture a day can go a long way towards changing how they feel about you.

Once your dreams start coming true, it becomes surprisingly easy to lose your sense of right and wrong. Fame and success can quietly change a person. Here are five ways to stay grounded, however well known or successful you become.

Keep in touch with old friends

As you climb, do not cut yourself off from the people who knew you when you were nobody in particular. Stay in regular contact with them. They are the ones most likely to tell you plainly when you start slipping.

Remember that life can turn

Life is deeply unpredictable and uncertain. Being successful today is no promise that you will still be successful five years from now. Keeping that in mind is a natural brake on pride.

Choose gratitude over pride

Instead of filling up with arrogance, practise being thankful. A steady sense of gratitude keeps you humble, because it reminds you how much of what you have came through others and through circumstance.

Keep success in proportion

When success starts to colour the way you see everything, remind yourself that some people and some things matter far more than whatever you are chasing. That thought keeps you connected to what truly counts, the things money and success can never buy.

Do not forget the hard days

When you are laughing, remember that you once cried. In the middle of good times, with money, fame and recognition all around you, hold on to the memory of a time when you had none of it.

The higher you rise, the more these small habits matter. They are what keep success from becoming the thing that changes you.

We tend to believe that the material world is what makes us happy. So we keep chasing money, high paying jobs, a bigger house and more things. But happiness is mostly a matter of choice, and there are simple ways to choose it.

Be joyful

To be the master of your mind, keep the negative out and let the positive in. Train your thinking so that it takes note of every happy thought and leaves no room for the gloomy ones. This does not mean pretending that problems do not exist. It means deciding which thoughts get to stay and settle.

Let love guide your way

Love does not have to be kept only for your family or your partner. You can share it with anyone, by helping strangers in trouble and being kind to them. You will overflow with good feeling when you go out of your way to help someone.

Turn inward

The quickest route to feeling happy for no particular reason is to connect with your inner self and find peace from within. Stepping back a little from outside things while staying aware of yourself works wonders.

Put together, the message is a gentle one. Happiness is not a prize at the end of a long chase. It is a habit of the mind, a kindness passed to others and a quiet place within that you can return to at any time.