Tag: Young Adults

You may have heard the impatient person’s request: “Give me patience, and give it to me right now!” It makes us smile because most of us feel exactly that way.

Yet a handful of patience is worth more than a sackful of brains. Experience shows again and again that a patient person tends to make better decisions, and see better outcomes, than a brilliant person who cannot wait for the right time and the right opportunity.

Not every answer comes at once

Think of how a wise parent answers a child’s requests. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no, and sometimes “later”, depending on what is truly best for the child. Life often answers us in the same way. Learning to accept “not yet” without bitterness is a large part of patience.

Patience with others

Often our greatest test of patience comes in our relationships. Patience with others grows out of love and respect for them. Love is not selfish, proud or rude, because it is concerned with the welfare of someone else. Love is the foundation, and patience is part of how it works. Patience changes relationships for the better.

Sometimes we become defensive and irritated and say things that hurt. In those moments we forget the value of patience and make hasty choices. Whenever you feel yourself bristling against someone, try to be patient enough to stop and think about their good qualities.

Patience builds empathy

Empathy makes life far smoother. If a crying baby gets on your nerves, that is a sign to work on your patience. Patience is one of the ways we learn to feel for others.

Patient does not mean weak

At the same time, a patient person is not a pushover. Being patient does not mean quietly accepting abuse, or putting up with someone who keeps creating problems. There are times when it is right to tell people that what they did was hurtful or disrespectful. Say it with love, and then, still, be patient enough to see a change.

Plenty of things in life will catch your eye. Only a few will catch your heart. Pursue those few.

The idea is a warning against chasing every shiny thing that comes along, like a cat leaping after a darting spot of light. The measure to use is the heart. If something truly captures your heart, it is worth pursuing, and that happens far less often than catching the eye.

Keep your eyes on what you love

We have all been there. We have something close to our heart, and then we let it slip. Something shiny distracts us, it grabs our attention, and we lose our focus. Our attention wanders, and we lose what our heart held dear.

It might have been a relationship or a job opportunity. It might have been a car or a home. It could have been almost anything. But we lost focus, we were distracted, and it was gone. Sometimes we notice in time and turn back. Too often, sadly, we do not.

Easier to keep than to regain

Getting something back is often much harder than getting it in the first place. That loss is exactly what we are trying to avoid by keeping our eyes on what matters most: the things that have captured our hearts.

Putting it into practice

How hard this is depends on how easily we get distracted. If you can hold a laser-like focus and never stray, you already live this way. People with strong self-discipline probably do too. For the rest of us, a little focus and a little self-discipline go a long way.

Take a moment to think about your own shiny things, the ones that keep catching your eye. Pick up a pen and paper and list the distractions that pull you away. Then steer clear of them, and move steadily towards the goal your heart has chosen.

Never make someone a promise, and fill them with hope, when you already know in your heart that the promise is false. When they discover the truth, the state you leave them in can be devastating.

Every tear counts

We are answerable for every single tear we cause another person to shed. So pause and ask: how many tears have you caused? How many sleepless nights has someone spent suffering because of what you said and did not mean?

Harm returns to us

Hurting others and leaving them to suffer can never bring us calm, joy, happiness or peace. Our conscience will not allow it. Every time we try to settle, it reminds us of the wrong we did, in whatever form it took.

Trust does not fully return

Remember too that once you have lost someone’s trust and confidence, things are never quite the same, even once they have fully forgiven you. You will not stand before them as you once did, and they will not be able to wipe the memory from their mind.

Choose the honest no

A clear refusal is always kinder than a false promise. It may hurt for a moment, but it leaves the other person free to move on. So make no promise you do not intend to keep, or that you know you will not be able to keep.

Even if you do not think of yourself as naturally curious, curiosity can be cultivated, and it pays off in a happier, healthier mind. Some of history’s greatest thinkers, including Edison, Einstein and Richard Feynman, were famously curious. Curiosity also builds stronger relationships, because it makes us want to know others; a solid work ethic, because it makes us dig deeper; and self-awareness, because it makes us want to understand ourselves.

A brain that keeps growing

Curiosity keeps you engaged with the world and open to learning, and it stirs the same parts of the brain linked with well-being and reward. For a long time it was believed that the brain’s wiring became fixed with age. We now know the brain can keep growing and changing with learning throughout life, and curiosity is the key that keeps that process going.

Wonder removes barriers

Worry raises stress hormones, which can affect blood pressure and long-term health. It is far better to wonder why you do what you do than to worry about it. Wondering opens doors; worrying builds walls.

How to wonder

Copy children, who constantly want to know why. Keep asking it, five times over, and you will find your mind opening, even if you started with something quite ordinary.

Curiosity helps you learn

Learning sparks curiosity, but curiosity also sparks learning. Studies suggest that when people are genuinely curious about something, they remember more of what they learn, because curiosity links the brain’s reward system with the region that forms new memories.

Small changes, new pathways

New experiences help the brain form fresh connections. You do not need to travel the world for this. Simple changes to your routine, like taking a different route to work and noticing what is different, are enough to get started.

Keep an open mind

The adult brain likes order and is quick to label things and put them in boxes. When something new comes along, try to resist labelling it straight away. Look instead for what you can learn. Give yourself permission to be a student of something you do not yet understand; not knowing a topic says nothing bad about you. One easy way to practise is to watch a documentary with a truly open mind, holding back judgment until it has finished.

Begin every first try fully believing it will succeed, while keeping a second attempt ready in case it does not.

No time for self-pity

When your first try brings the result you wanted, wonderful. When it does not, do not spend a moment sulking or pitying yourself. Believe it will work out, and keep at it until it does.

Round up more options

If one option fails, or two, or a dozen, gather a few more and carry on. Success that does not come at once is not success that is out of reach. Trust that there is a way, and persist until you find it.

Genius is often persistence

Much of what looks like brilliance from the outside is, more often than not, simple persistence. Be willing to make enough attempts, and almost anything becomes possible.

Think of soft drops of water falling on the hardest stone. Each drop seems to do nothing at all, yet over time they wear the stone away. Now imagine what you could achieve with that same quiet power of persistence.

Friendships end, and friends move on with their lives. Going through it is never easy. Being with friends gives us so many moments to cherish over the years, so why do good friendships sometimes fade? Here are some of the most common reasons.

Betrayal

This may be the biggest reason of all. When a friend betrays you without cause, it becomes very hard to carry on. The betrayal could be anything, from revealing your secrets to speaking ill of you behind your back. A friendship that suffers this rarely survives for long.

No support

Friendship rests on love and support without conditions. But it has to run both ways. If you stand by your friend through hard times and crises, and they never do the same for you, the friendship cannot last.

Jealousy

There is no room for jealousy in a true friendship. Real friends are not envious of each other; they are glad for each other. If a friend resents your achievements or anything good that happens to you, the friendship loses its meaning.

Constant arguments

What is a friendship worth when two people keep arguing for no reason? Friendship is about the ease and comfort you share. There needs to be some kind of compatibility. Where arguments become constant, the friendship will end sooner or later. If you are the one who keeps arguing, stop. Be good to your friend, and make memories worth keeping.

Negativity and conflict

If you sense a persistently negative feeling from a friend, it may be a sign they are not being true to you. A friend who picks fights or creates needless conflict will wear the friendship down. Where negativity takes hold, a friendship struggles to survive.

Knowing these patterns can help in two ways: to recognise when a friendship has run its course, and, more importantly, to make sure you are never the reason a good one ends.

We are surrounded by gossip, noise and endless messages about how we ought to live. No wonder so many of us feel overwhelmed and unsure of what we actually mean to tell one another. Yet people who speak the truth have more to offer than those who do not. Here are a few reasons to stay honest, even when saying the true thing makes your voice tremble.

It opens your heart

Honesty is one of the ways love shows itself. Whether you are talking with a friend, a partner or a colleague, begin by being honest with them. You will show what genuinely interests and drives you, and your own heart will feel lighter, because honesty feels better from the inside and looks better from the outside.

It frees you from fear

Think back to the last time you lied to someone’s face. How did it feel? Did your stomach knot? Did your chest tighten? Did you walk around afraid that they might find out? Honesty sheds all of that. The more honest you are, the less room fear has to live in you.

It shows on your face

It is often said that becoming a better person makes you look better too. Think about it: a lie puts you under strain, whether from guilt or from fear of being found out. That strain wears on the body. It can even stop you from smiling freely. Speaking the truth lets your face relax, and keeps you looking well for longer.

A power we all have

Telling the truth when you are tempted to lie can genuinely improve both your mental and physical health. And when you value your own truth over convenient untruths, others will take care to really listen to what you have to say. Speaking the truth is a power every one of us possesses. Learn to use it.

We are all in the same boat. We simply have different paddles, and perhaps we find ourselves on different rivers. All of us live in human bodies, the vessels that carry us through the world. We are all made of flesh, blood and bone, with brains, hearts and lungs to power us. What differs are our paddles, the tools we use to move through life, and the waters, the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Our many paddles

Some of us use a sharp mind to get where we want to go. Some use a smile, others kindness, a gift with words, or physical ability. Some of these qualities we were born with; others are skills we have learned along the way.

Looking at your own life through this picture can be revealing. What tools are you using to get from where you are to where you want to be? Chances are that you, and the people you know, have used many different tools in different combinations over the years.

Why balance matters

Just as with oars, a balanced approach works best. If you rely too heavily on a single quality, say good looks, to open every door, you never become well-rounded, and you may eventually lose your balance. If that one quality fades, you are left with no paddle at all. That is a good reason to develop several tools for finding your way.

Never really alone

Some of us travel paths that feel like rushing rivers; others drift across a wide, still lake. And at one time or another, all of us have felt tossed about on a stormy sea.

Through all of it, we are never truly alone, even when it feels that way. There is inspiration all around us, in the people paddling their way through the very same world, in the very same boat. Look around you for role models, for company and for encouragement. They are closer than you think.

We often make things harder for ourselves by falling into a few common traps. Recognise them and you can step around them. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and few things honour it more than by doing the work you truly believe in. See which of these traps you have fallen into, and challenge yourself to change the habit.

The learn-more trap

Much of the advice industry thrives on making you feel lost without its next lesson. Reading is a smart way to learn from other people’s experience and mistakes. But you must also dare to make some mistakes of your own. Study and action belong together. If you keep learning but never seem to get anywhere, this may be your trap.

The better-idea trap

After long days of thinking, you finally land on a good idea for your dream. You take a short break and come back bursting with even better ones. That is healthy once or twice. But when it keeps happening, you become unable to commit to any plan. It is like searching an enormous rose farm for the single perfect rose. You end up with many projects on hold and nothing ever finished. Know when perfection is worth chasing, and when excellent is good enough.

The think-big trap

We are taught from childhood to dream big, and so we wait for the grand opening or the big break, and put things off. We forget that every mountain is moved one small stone at a time. The cure is to think small: what is the smallest step you can take in the right direction today?

The work-hard trap

Working hard may feed our pride, but it does not always move us forward. We can work so hard that we are exhausted and foggy before the real struggle even begins. Like a buffalo pulling the same load all day, we mistake effort for progress. This is the age of working wisely, not only working long.

The take-risk trap

Leaping into the sea to swim a vast channel, with a real chance of drowning, is brave, and also foolish. “Just do it” looks good on a screen, but in real life it can be a trap. You do need courage, but take calculated risks: know the pros and cons, prepare for the worst falls, and have a plan for dealing with them. Make research a habit. Taking risks blindly is about as useful as not acting at all.

The think-ahead trap

We are encouraged to fix our eyes on the end result and race towards it. Weighed down by all that expectation, we forget to enjoy the present. Beneath all the striving, remember something important: you are meant to enjoy the work you do.

Once there was a beggar who owned almost nothing. All his life he wore a single, tattered coat. Yet over time he earned a quiet reputation, and people began coming to him with all kinds of problems. Before long, he had a name for great wisdom. Word reached the king, who soon started visiting him for advice too.

One condition

One day the king told him, “A man like you belongs in my court, not on the street. Be my minister.”

“Your offer means nothing to me,” answered the beggar. “But if it lets me be useful to the people, I will accept, on one condition. I must have a room in the palace that nobody may ever enter or inspect, not even you. If anyone does, I will no longer be your minister.”

“Agreed,” said the king. “The room is yours. Keep it however you like.”

Envy and rumour

Years passed. As Chief Minister, he could no longer walk about in his beggar’s coat, so he dressed as his position required. In time he won deep admiration, and both the king and the public held him dear. Watching his fame and his unmatched wisdom grow, the other ministers grew jealous. “He must be hiding something in that room,” they whispered. “That is why no one is allowed in.”

The rumour grew until it reached the king. Knowing the man’s worth, the king held back for a long while. But the doubt kept gnawing at him, until one day he insisted, “I must see that room.” The minister agreed, and the king went in.

What the room held

The room was completely bare. On the wall hung only that old, tattered coat.

“Why keep this a secret?” asked the king. “There is nothing here.”

The minister answered, “By day, I am a minister. At night, I put on that coat and sleep on the floor. That way, I never get carried away by my position. But now that you have broken our agreement, it is over.”

He put on his old coat and walked away.

Whatever title we carry, it helps to keep our own old coat somewhere close, a daily reminder of who we really are beneath the role.